


Meant To Be

by ForForever19



Category: Glee
Genre: Amnesia, F/F, Faberry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-03 22:09:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 44,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17886047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForForever19/pseuds/ForForever19
Summary: After a car accident leaves her in a coma, Rachel Berry wakes with two years of missing memories, believing she's still a high school junior instead of a college freshman. Everything is suddenly different, and she just wants it to go back to the way it was in her own time, because there is NO way she actually lives in New York with Kurt AND Santana, and she's definitely not dating... HER.





	1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer** : I, by no means, claim to own anything remotely related to the Glee Universe. No copyright infringement intended.

* * *

**I**

The light is bright when her eyes open.

Bright enough that they slam shut again, and she lets out a muted groan as her head pounds. Other parts of her body hurt as well, but it's nothing like the throbbing behind her eyes.

For a moment, she's convinced she's actually hungover, even though she can't be sure she knows what that feels like, but then she starts hearing something that definitely isn't normal.

The steady beeping is unmistakable.

It's definitely a heart monitor, which means she's in the hospital.

But, why is she here?

Rachel flinches when she hears a door open, and then shuffling feet. She tries to prepare herself for what could happen, and the feel of a warm hand that touches her own brings surprising comfort.

"Hey," a voice says, and it sounds scratchy, raspy from fatigue, maybe. "I just went to get some coffee, and Parker in Room 32B was _still_ going on about the decline in human morality." There's a soft chuckle. "I think the fact that none of the nurses pay attention to him anymore merely fuels his opinions. Hiram claims they're just delusions, but I'm starting to see sense in his ramblings." There's a soft sigh, and then the sound of a body shifting.

Rachel wonders if the pain will still be there if she opens her eyes. She thinks she knows this voice, but there's fuzz in her brain, and the voice is mumbled and exhausted.

Still, she tries.

She blinks them open, immediately cringing at the brightness, and she makes a pained sound.

The hand around her own tightens, and there's the sound of a gasp. There's a high-pitched, "Oh, my God," and then a face is moving into view.

Rachel can't focus. Everything is blurry, and she has to close her eyes again, before she becomes nauseous. Her heart is beating too fast, and she just wants everything to stop.

"Hey," the voice says, and it's soothing. "It's okay. Just breathe, okay? Just take deep breaths. You're okay. I promise you're okay."

And, Rachel doesn't know why she believes the voice, but she does.

"There we go," the voice says when her breathing steadies. "That's it. You're okay."

Rachel feels warm breath against her cheek, and then soft lips on her forehead.

"Take your time," the voice says. "I don't mind waiting. Though, I should probably get your doctor. And call your dads. Lee has been going crazy with the muffins since you've been in here. I think all of Lima has been offered a Berry Muffin."

The voice is calming to Rachel, and she focuses on it.

She's okay.

She has to be, even though she has no idea what's happened and why she's even in the hospital.

When she feels strong enough, she blinks her eyes open again, and she attempts to focus them once more.

"Hi," the voice says, and there's the sound of shifting again.

Rachel breathes slowly, and then settles her gaze on the face before her.

And.

Of all the people she expects to see, Quinn Fabray is literally the last one.

Her automatic response is to get away, and she attempts to do that, only she's lying in a bed and there's nowhere to go.

"Hey," the previously-comforting voice, which she now knows belongs to Quinn, says, and Rachel lets out a whimper. "Shit, are you in pain?" Quinn asks. "Let me get a nurse or something."

Rachel watches with wide eyes as Quinn scrambles to her feet and exits the room. Something is definitely going on here, if Quinn Fabray is in her room. What is she doing here? Why is she here? Did Rachel get slushied, ended up slipping and hitting her head, and now she's here? Maybe Quinn just wanted to see how much damage she's been able to -

Rachel flinches when the door opens again, and a small herd of people enters the room.

She's poked and prodded and her eyes and reflexes are tested.

She was in a car accident, apparently, and she's been in a coma for ten days, but she appears to be doing well.

Her fathers are on their way, apparently, because Quinn called them.

 _Quinn_.

Rachel still doesn't understand what she's even doing here.

Car accident?

She doesn't remember anything about that.

It's after she's been given the physical all-clear that Rachel asks the question of the blonde girl.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice is rough, and it hurts a little to speak, despite the water she's had to drink.

Quinn, looking a little perplexed, exchanges a look with one of the doctors. "Where else would I be?" Quinn asks.

Rachel frowns. "I don't know. At school, maybe."

Quinn rolls her eyes. "Like I would ever just leave you here," she says. "And, plus, we're still on Winter Break."

Rachel's frown deepens. "No, we're not."

Quinn furrows her brow. "We are," she says. "You convinced me to drive home, when I _knew_ it would be a bad idea, and now look where we are. I'm never listening to you again."

"Come home?"

"To Lima."

"But we live in Lima."

"We do," Quinn says, and her frown is heavy as she tries to make sense of what Rachel is really asking. "But, you also live in New York, where you go to school."

"What? No, I don't."

Quinn looks at the doctor again, and then looks at Rachel. "Rach, honey," she starts. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Rachel can feel herself start to panic. She, like everyone else in the room, can tell that something is terribly wrong.

"Rachel," Quinn says, and the sound of her first name from the blonde is entirely too foreign. "What is the last thing you remember?"

Rachel looks to the ceiling for a moment, gathering something from the stark white. "I remember - " she stops suddenly, and looks at Quinn. "Your hair is short."

Quinn automatically reaches to touch her own hair, a sinking feeling settling in her gut. "I cut it the end of junior year," she whispers, wishing with all her might that what she suspects isn't actually true.

Rachel sucks in a breath. "But, junior year's just started."

This time, when Quinn and the doctor exchange another look, the reality of what they may or may not be facing is monumental.

"You think we're still juniors?" Quinn asks, and her voice sounds pained.

"We're not?"

"No, Rachel," Quinn says. "We're college freshmen."

There's just a beat of silence, and then Rachel's building panic sets in. "No, no, no," she says. "That's impossible." It doesn't take long for her to get herself sufficiently worked up, and she's shouting and crying and thrashing, because she did _not_ just lose more than two years of her life and where are her fathers and why is Quinn here and _what is happening_?

Eventually, they have to sedate her, and the last thing she sees are the tears pooling in Quinn's beautiful hazel eyes.

* * *

When Rachel next wakes, there's a hand in hers, but it's heavier, masculine, and there's a part of her that's relieved by it.

It's not Quinn.

Rachel's eyes open slowly, and it takes her a while to refocus. When she does, though, she comes face-to-face with her father, Hiram, who is holding her hand with his right and scrolling through his iPad with his left.

She squeezes his fingers, and then watches as his entire demeanour transforms. He sits bolt upright, nearly dropping his tablet, and then smiles so widely that it looks as if it hurts.

"There she is," he says. "I was wondering what all the fuss was about."

"Dad," she breathes, and her throat still hurts.

"Hold on, let me get you some water," he says, and then releases her hand to fetch her cup, helping her drink from her straw. "How are you feeling?" he eventually asks, smiling that soft 'Dad' smile she loves so much.

"I'm confused," she says, because she really is. "Please can you tell me what's going on."

He nods once, and then settles in his chair. "Well, Sweetie, you were in a car accident two weeks ago," he starts. "The roads were icy, and a pickup ended up skidding and plowing straight into your side of the car."

Rachel blinks. "My side."

"The passenger's side."

Rachel is almost too afraid to ask, but she still does. "Who was driving?"

"Quinn."

"Oh." Her face twists into something akin to confusion and bewilderment, but Hiram reads it as something else entirely: concern.

"Don't worry," he assures her. "All she got was a concussion and some severe whiplash, but she's doing much better. Especially now that you're awake."

Rachel frowns. "I still don't understand," she says. "What was I doing with Quinn?"

Hiram frowns, and Rachel realises he doesn't yet know how serious the problem is. "You were coming home, Sweetheart," he says. "You convinced Quinn to drive, once she finished her Finals."

Rachel doesn't even know what to say to that, and she feels and probably looks so lost.

Hiram clears his throat. "Quinn wasn't downplaying it, was she?" he questions. "You really don't remember?"

" _Dad_ ," she says, and there's a sense of pleading in her tone.

"Baby, today is the fourth of January 2013."

And, for all of Rachel's intelligence, she really can't seem to wrap her mind around that.

"What date do you think it is?" Hiram asks.

"October 2010, some time."

Hiram's features turn sympathetic. "Oh, Rachel."

"What's happening to me?"

He lets out a breath. "I was hoping they were wrong, but it seems your head injury is worse than we initially thought," he explains. "Your father and your doctors will be in later to explain it all, and Quinn should stop by after - " he halts at the distressed look on Rachel's face. "What? What's wrong?"

"Why was Quinn here when I first woke up?" she asks.

"Well, she's insisted on staying every day and night," Hiram answers easily.

"But, why?" Rachel questions, needing to know.

"Because she - " he starts to answer, and then immediately catches himself when he realises what this must look like to Rachel.

2010 Rachel.

Why would Quinn Fabray be at 2010 Rachel's bedside?

 _Oh_.

Hiram's heart breaks all over again.

"Because she what?" Rachel asks. "Is it because she feels guilty? Does she think the accident is her fault? Is it?"

Hiram blinks. "Rachel," he says, and his voice sounds surprisingly stern. "If Quinn feels guilty about anything, it's because you've been in a coma for almost two weeks owing to an accident during which she was at the wheel. The accident is not her fault. Frankly, it's nobody's fault, which your father and I have spent a lot of hours trying to convince Quinn of, so I would thank you not to mention that to her, okay?"

Rachel just nods as she stares wide-eyed.

"Now, I realise, at the time in your current recollection, you and Quinn are... not friendly."

Rachel actually scoffs. "That's an understatement. She's been worse than she's ever been since she returned to the Cheerios."

Hiram can remember that time clearly, even though it occurred almost two and a bit years ago. It still hurts him to think of his daughter going through all of that, but then he remembers that Quinn was going through a lot, as well. The difference between the girls is how they dealt with it.

"Well," Hiram says; "you're definitely on better terms now."

"That's... impossible."

Hiram smiles this secret smile that makes her feel slightly uneasy. "Oh, believe me, it's very possible."

Rachel feels as if she's missing something very important, but she doesn't know which questions she should be asking.

Hiram sighs. "Look, Sweetheart, I know it's a lot to take in, but you don't have to say or do anything, okay? You just focus on getting better, and we'll deal with everything else as it comes."

That sounds like a solid enough plan, but she still has questions. "I live in New York?"

Hiram smiles. "You do," he says. "You stay in a loft with Kurt and Santana, and you attend the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts, with Kurt at FIT, and Santana at NYU."

"Wow," is all she can say because she's pretty sure both those people hate her. What on Earth happens in her life for her to end up living with _both_ of them?

"You're very talented, Rachel," he says. "You've just sang in your first showcase, which is rare as a freshman. There should be a recording of it somewhere."

"Oh, yeah?"

"I'll ask Quinn," he says, and Rachel feels unsettled all over again.

Hiram shakes his head, because he's definitely not ready for this. "Uh, I should probably try to locate your father," he says. "I don't know about you, but I would also like to know more about what we're potentially dealing with here."

Rachel just nods, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. Her heart is still beating unsteadily and the world is too different.

Hiram gets to his feet and kisses her forehead. "I'll be right back."

All Rachel can do is watch him go and wonder just how different things will be when he comes back.

* * *

Hiram, for the most part, isn't sure what to feel. The girl in that bed looks like his daughter, but she doesn't _seem_ like her.

Something is off.

Something is different.

And, when Rachel's doctors say the words 'memory loss,' Hiram knows things will never again be the same.

He's in the room when they tell Rachel, and he has to leave when she starts to cry, because what does that mean for her? What happens now? What about school?

It's when he's waiting outside that he sees Quinn again, and she looks equal parts hopeful and heartbroken.

"It's really true, isn't it?" is the first thing she says when she sees him, seeking some form of confirmation from him. "She doesn't remember anything?"

He nods once, and then immediately pulls her into a hug, because he can't stand to see the look on her face.

"How is she?" Quinn mumbles into Hiram's shirt.

"Confused," he says. "The doctors think it'll be helpful to get people she's familiar with to come in and talk to her."

Quinn tenses. "As in, not me."

Hiram doesn't respond.

Quinn just hugs him tighter. "I'm sorry."

"Please, don't," he whispers. "We've already talked about this."

Quinn just sighs deeply, and the two of them are still huddled together when LeRoy comes back out with Rachel's doctors. For a moment, he isn't sure what to do, but he eventually ignores the doctors and wraps his family in yet another hug.

The three of them just stand together, finding comfort in one another, as they face the next chapter of their lives.

Quinn is silent as LeRoy and Hiram talk to the doctors about what's going to happen next. There will be more tests to figure out just what Rachel remembers and what she doesn't. The mind is a beautiful thing, and it has a habit of retaining some things and forgetting others.

The doctors also think it will be helpful to have familiar people come by, which could trigger some memories.

LeRoy looks at Quinn then.

"They're in the waiting room," she says. "San and Kurt are itching to see her."

"Can you please get them?"

Quinn nods, and then turns and walks away. Her heart is thumping in her chest, and she's trying very hard not to lose herself in all this turmoil.

From his position, LeRoy watches Quinn's slumped shoulders and slow pace with worry. He's aware she hasn't been eating or sleeping properly, and he doesn't see any of that changing now that Rachel is awake.

Eventually, he and Hiram return to Rachel's room to find their daughter staring out the window, her face completely blank.

The first thing she asks when she sees them is, "Am I going to have to go back to high school?"

LeRoy actually lets out a laugh, because that's possibly the last thing he's even thinking about. "God, I have no idea."

Rachel just stares at him.

"We'll have to assess that," LeRoy says. "We don't have to make any of those decisions now."

Rachel is about to ask another question when there's a knock at the door and Kurt pops his head inside.

"Everyone decent?" Kurt asks.

Hiram waves him inside, just as Rachel shifts in her bed. As 2010 Rachel, she and Kurt are... okay, but she doesn't think she would actually _live_ with him.

It doesn't help that Santana comes in straight after him and says, "Hey, Bitch."

Rachel glances at her fathers, but they both look as if they're used to the greeting.

Then, well, there's Quinn.

Rachel almost doesn't recognise her. She didn't really get a good look at the girl before she started panicking about her lost memory.

Now, though, she gets to _look_ at Quinn, and it's as if the entire world just doesn't exist at all.

Quinn looks older, and a little weary, with slightly bloodshot eyes and pale cheeks. Relaxed and also tense. Her hair is shorter and a little unkempt, which actually works for her in this moment.

Frankly, she's even more stunning than Rachel remembers, and she absently wonders just how much happened to get Quinn to this point that Rachel can't remember.

Someone clears a throat, and Rachel snaps to attention, blushing slightly when she realises she was just staring at Quinn.

Kurt steps closer to her bed, and he's grown as well. He looks more sure, more confident, and Rachel realises New York has been good to him.

To Santana, too.

"Hi," the Latina says when Rachel eventually looks at her. "I know we're hot and all, but the staring's a little creepy."

"Santana," Kurt says with a shake of his head. "Be cool."

"I am cool."

Kurt rolls his eyes. "Is it true you don't remember anything since, like, 2010?"

Rachel nods.

"Dude," Santana says. "You're like a newborn baby right now."

"She gets to experience _Project Runwa_ y all over again," Kurt says, his eyes wide. "Totally not fair."

"Don't ruin it for her," Hiram says. "This past season has to be the best yet."

"Ooh, and _The Bachelor_ ," Santana says. "I wouldn't even mind watching it again. Those girls are hot."

"So is he," Kurt says, and both of Rachel's fathers nod in agreement.

"I still think he should have picked the other girl," Quinn says, speaking for the first time.

Rachel sucks in a breath, and she feels overwhelmed all over again. She just can't understand why it's _Quinn_ who makes everything about this situation that bit worse. Her presence highlights how different things are much more than Santana's does, and Rachel doesn't really know what to do with that.

If anything, Santana was probably _more_ antagonistic, flinging insults as if it were child's play. Quinn was… different. Her cruelty came from a place of… hatred, and Rachel always got the impression the feeling was actually directed towards herself.

"That's just because you think she was hotter," Santana says.

"I'm gay," Kurt says; "and even I can agree she totally was. She had that whole Quinn Fabray vibe going for her."

"I don't know what that means," Quinn says.

"I totally see it," Santana says, ignoring her.

"Me too," Hiram says, raising a hand. "Practically _screams_ Quinn Fabray."

Quinn just rolls her eyes before they settle on Rachel, who has been watching the entire interaction with curious eyes. It's obvious to Rachel they're all very comfortable with one another, and with her, so this banter doesn't seem entirely out of the ordinary.

It's still weird for her, though.

Are these her actual friends? Where's Mercedes? Tina? Where's Finn? Her heartbeat rises at the thought that they're no longer together. Is that why he's not here? Did they break up in the two years she has missing from her memory?

"Sweetheart," Hiram says, noting her distress. "Is everything okay?"

Rachel just stares at him, suddenly feeling helpless. "I don't know," she finally says. "This is all just so... weird." She looks at Santana. "I'm pretty sure you hate me." She looks at Quinn next. "So do you."

Both girls' faces fall.

"We've never hated you," Santana says, and she sounds as if she's in pain. "I'm just a bitch, and Q has issues we really wouldn't have the time to get into right now, but we've never hated you, Berry. You know that. Deep down, even in the time in your head, I know you do."

It's the first time Rachel notices the way Quinn is almost curled into LeRoy's side, and she finds the fact the blonde seeks comfort from her father entirely too weird. She just doesn't understand, and she doesn't know how to ask about it without sounding rude.

Kurt clears his throat. "Believe me, Rachel," he says. "They've really never hated you. They definitely don't now. Santana loves you, even though she would rather eat nails than admit it."

"Shut it, Hummel," Santana grumbles.

"See what I mean," he says smugly, and then sobers slightly. "As for Quinn, she loves you, and she'll happily admit it. Shout it from the rooftops, if you need it."

Rachel still looks somewhat disbelieving, because how can this be her life? She shakes her head. "Where's Mercedes?" she asks, just because she wants to be talking about something and someone else.

Kurt smiles widely. "She's in LA," he says. "She was home for a few days, but she had time already booked in the studio that she just couldn't miss."

"Studio?"

Kurt nods. "She's doing the background vocals on Jennifer Hudson's next album."

"Wow."

"Right." Kurt waves a hand. "Look at all of us, taking the world by storm."

In this time, Rachel knows Tina and Artie are still seniors, so she knows where they are - sort of - but she really can't stop herself from asking the burning question. "And Finn?"

Santana's face twists into a scowl, Quinn doesn't react at all, her fathers both turn their mouths down, and Kurt sighs tiredly.

"He's around," Kurt eventually says. "He's been working as Glee's Director while Mr Schue has been away trying to make a difference."

Rachel blinks, and her next questions get stuck in her throat. There's obviously something they're not telling her, and she's suddenly too afraid to find out.

Kurt glances over his shoulder at Quinn, and feels his own heart twist at the uncertainty he sees. He can't even imagine what it must be like for her to look at Rachel and know the girl doesn't remember a second of their entire relationship.

Rachel is looking expectantly at him when he turns back to her, and he tries to smile reassuringly. "There are other people here to see you," he says. "If you're up for it."

Rachel looks unsure. "Do they know I don't remember?"

Kurt nods. "They have an idea," he says. "They just want to lay eyes on you to make sure you're actually okay. You've given all of us a real scare, you know? I think Noah has drank more caffeine in the past two weeks than he has in his entire life. If Beth wasn't around to keep him grounded, I'm pretty sure he would be bouncing off the walls."

The room seems to take in a collective breath when Rachel asks, "Beth?" with confusion and eyes that dart Quinn's way.

Kurt tenses for a moment. "Oh," he says. "Umm, yes, Beth and Shelby have been by a few times. Shelby is actually one of the people waiting to see you."

Rachel frowns. "She is?" she asks. "But, why?"

Quinn steps forward. "You have a relationship now," she says. "Shelby moved to Lima at the start of our senior year, to patch things up with you and to allow Puck and I to get to know Beth." Her smile is a little wistful. "We're all a confusing little family, but that's what we are."

Rachel's brow furrows. "Is that why we're close?" she asks. "Because of Beth and Shelby?"

Quinn's smile turns a bit sad. "I like to think it's the other way around," she says with a slight shrug. "The fact we're close has allowed for better relationships with your mother and my daughter."

It feels as if it should be a private conversation between the two girls, but they're in a room with some of the most important people in their lives, so it shouldn't matter.

"I don't understand," Rachel eventually says, because everything is still so confusing. "It's all so different. Why can't _one thing_ be the same?"

The other occupants all exchange looks, silently asking questions of one another.

Santana speaks up first. "You still sing in the shower," she says. "And you still totally suck at cooking, no matter what that idiot Brody tells you."

"As much as I've tried," Kurt says dramatically; "you still have a ridiculous fondness for your Argyle."

"Your favourite food is still lasagna," LeRoy chips in.

"You still make those odd sounds when you're trying to concentrate during board games," Hiram adds.

"You're also still a fan of matching cat calendars, even if it's more of a joke now," Quinn says.

"You're still obsessed with ferrets," Santana says. "Which, I repeat, we are not getting for the loft. The best I can do is a goldfish."

Kurt swats at her Santana's arm, and then tells Rachel, "You still care so deeply about everyone and everything. That has never changed."

"You're still patient and forgiving," Quinn says, and her voice sounds heavy. "Your favourite song is still _Make You Feel My Love_ sung by Adele. You still brush your teeth before you do anything else in the morning, because you're convinced you have the worst morning breath imaginable, when you really don't. You still hate Brussels sprouts, which you admit is the most cliché thing about you. Your favourite movie is still _Titanic_ , even though it's not technically a musical. It's the epic romance and tragedy that gets to you. _Funny Girl_ is still your go-to movie, and you can never go to sleep until you know everyone you know and love is safe and accounted for."

The silence that follows Quinn's little monologue is charged with emotions and questions, and it takes a knock on the door to break the silence.

"Come in," LeRoy says, and Rachel is left feeling even more confused and unsettled.

How does Quinn even know those things about her? Are they _actually_ that close? She's pretty sure neither Jesse or Finn ever knew half of those things, and that raises her discomfort. She doesn't want _Quinn Fabray_ to know such intimate details about her.

The door opens to reveal Shelby, who smiles the second she sees Rachel's open eyes. She looks relieved and genuinely happy, and Rachel has never seen her look like that before. It's so foreign, but she feels this warmth spread through her chest because, God, all she's ever wanted was for her mother to look at her like that.

She's aware of her fathers making to leave the room, with Santana, Quinn and Kurt following.

There's a moment.

It's while the second group of visitors shuffle inside and the original group leave that something very significant happens.

With Shelby is Noah and Finn, and, the second Rachel sees Finn, her entire face lights up, because this is her boyfriend, and he's familiar.

Rachel doesn't even realise the heartbreak she causes in that one moment, and she won't learn it until days later.

* * *

Shelby stays a while.

Rachel can't stop staring at her, because she's here and it's obvious she wants to be.

"You've had us so worried," Shelby says. "Quinn's been an absolute wreck, and your fathers haven't been sleeping properly. You have no idea how good it is to see you."

"Damn straight," Noah says. "I'm totally hopped up on caffeine because of you."

Rachel smiles at him, because she can expect Noah to be the same, right?

But, then, he says, "I haven't been able to concentrate at work, and I definitely would have been fired if Fabray didn't spend the time she wasn't here cooking for everyone. I bet you're dying for some of her soup right now."

Rachel just stares blankly at him, and Noah shifts uncomfortably.

"Or, not," he murmurs.

"Rach," Finn says, and Rachel turns kind, trusting eyes on him. He hasn't changed at all. He's even still wearing one of his striped rugby shirts, and she wants to reach out to touch him just to make sure he's real. "How are you feeling?" he asks.

"It's a lot to deal with," she confesses quietly.

"We can only imagine," Shelby says, gently patting Rachel's leg through the covers. "It must be an information overload. Everything must be so different and new."

Rachel nods, because at least Shelby gets that part. They all seem to, but nobody but her can _truly_ understand what it's like. It's as if everything she's ever known is just not true.

Everyone else has lived these lives and grown and changed, and she's stuck in a time before all of that happened, and the only person she truly recognises is Finn because, like her, he could exist in 2010 as well.

There's comfort to be found in that, and she desperately wishes for more of it. It doesn't matter that people can list all the things that haven't changed about her, because she just doesn't _feel_ it, and that makes all the difference.

* * *

Shelby eventually has to leave to pick up Beth, and Noah has to go to work, so it's just Rachel and Finn for a few precious minutes. In his presence, seeing that completely dopey smile, she finds herself the most relaxed she's been since she first woke up, and she's almost desperate to hold onto it.

"In my memories, we're dating," Rachel informs him.

Finn's eyes seem to light up. "We are?"

She nods. "I'm going to assume, from your reaction, we're currently _not_ dating."

He frowns. "No, we're not. You're actually - " he halts. "You don't know?"

"Know what?"

"Nobody's told you," he confirms, and then smiles. "It's probably a good thing," he says.

"What is?"

He just smiles again. "So, we're dating?"

Rachel blinks. "We're happy, right? I remember us being happy."

"We are, Rachel," he confirms, because he can sense she needs to hear the words. "Where are you in time?"

"Junior year," she says. "Before the duet competition."

Finn thinks back for a moment, and then smiles so widely, it actually looks as if it hurts. "Then, yes, we _are_ happy," he says. "We're the power couple."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Rachel feels something settle in her gut, because that's really all she's wanted. She can acknowledge just how shallow she might have been in 2010, but Finn Hudson as her leading man has always been in her plans.

She doesn't know and suddenly doesn't care what led her astray, because she's in this moment now, and Finn is here, and nothing is going to get in the way this time around.

* * *

In the late afternoon, after a brief nap, Rachel is visited by Tina, Artie, Sam, Blaine and Brittany, who are all seniors now. She has questions about Brittany, but she doesn't ask them. The girl obviously didn't graduate with them, and she imagines that hasn't been easy to deal with.

As it stands, Rachel can't recall finishing school either, so there's also that. Her fathers assure her it's low on the list of worries, so she believes them.

It _is_ a worry, though, because how can she be a college student when she doesn't remember the last two years of high school? Technically, she still has her diploma, so she's done all the work required. It's just a special situation, and she's trying very hard not to think about it.

Tina is the only one who seems the most comfortable with this Rachel. Artie is a little unsure, Sam is essentially a stranger. Blaine is uncertain where he stands with her, and Brittany just wants her to be better.

Still, it's really nice to see them, but they eventually have to leave. Rachel needs her rest, which she gets.

She didn't know lying in a bed could be so exhausting.

* * *

The tests reveal that she does in fact have memory loss, though the doctors can't specify if it's temporary or permanent. They suspect bits and pieces will return in time, but most of it is, essentially, lost.

Rachel cries at the confirmation, and the others don't fare any better.

It's later, when she's supposed to be asleep that she hears Quinn ask in a broken voice, "What if she never remembers? What do I do then?"

"She'll remember," someone says, but even Rachel can tell whoever's spoken doesn't believe the words, either.

* * *

In the great scheme of things, it happens far too quickly for anyone's liking.

It's two days later when Brittany and Tina are visiting Rachel again that what everyone has been actively trying to keep from her gets revealed.

Tina gets up to make a coffee run to the cafeteria, which leaves Rachel alone with Brittany, and it's the moment Rachel asks about graduation.

"I didn't," Brittany softly says. "I didn't get the right grades, so I stayed behind." Her smile is a little sad. "We've always been the Unholy Trinity, and now we're all in different places."

Rachel reads her facial expression. "You miss them."

Brittany nods. "Quinn is better at calling," she says. "San is still sad we couldn't go to New York together, like we planned. I also know she doesn't want to talk about who she's dating, and she really doesn't want to hear about who I'm dating."

Rachel just nods.

"But, I do see them," Brittany continues. "You all came down for Thanksgiving and, before that, I went up to New Haven for one of the smaller Pride walks. You and Quinn even made the cover of the Yale newspaper."

"Wait. What?"

Brittany straightens slightly.

"What did you just say?" Rachel asks, blanching. "What about Quinn and me?"

Brittany's eyes widen. "Nothing," she says. "Nothing."

Rachel meets her gaze. "Brittany," she says. "Did you just say that Quinn and I attended a _Pride_ event _together_?" She almost laughs at how absurd the question sounds to her own ears. "As in, Quinn Fabray, President of the Celibacy Club, Bible Crusader, devout Christian? _She_ was at Pride? Why? To tell people to save themselves? Did she hand out flyers to get people to see the light?"

Brittany frowns. "Rachel," she says. "Don't be mean. It's not like you."

And, for the most part, Rachel feels suitably chastised, because she _is_ being unnecessarily mean. Quinn has been nothing but nice to her since she woke up, and Rachel doesn't even know why she's reacting so strongly to the idea that she and Quinn are even friends.

"I just don't understand," Rachel says. "Why was Quinn at Pride?"

"For support," Brittany says, somewhat uneasily. "All her best friends are some kind of gay. Santana, Kurt, me, you, Julia - "

"Wait," Rachel cuts in. "Did you just say me? As in, _I'm_ some kind of gay?"

Brittany nods. "You're bicurious, aren't you?"

Rachel doesn't recall ever admitting that to anyone before, and she wonders what she might have revealed about herself in the two years she has missing from her memory.

Oh, God.

Does Finn know?

"It's okay, you know?" Brittany says. "Quinn says it makes her feel even more special, that you chose her out of an even bigger pool of people."

Rachel frowns, because Brittany is _definitely_ not saying what Rachel thinks she's saying. "What?"

Brittany gives her a look, as if asking how she could possibly not understand. "You're bicurious, so you like both boys and girls, like me, but you choose Quinn, which makes her extra special because the ocean is so much bigger and there are a lot more fish."

And, Rachel just won't accept what Brittany is inadvertently telling her, even though her head and body is screaming the truth at her.

It's true.

Of course, it's true.

But.

"What do you mean about choosing Quinn?" she asks.

Brittany starts to respond, and then snaps her mouth shut. "Oh," she says. "I'm not supposed to tell you."

"Tell me what?" Rachel asks. "What aren't you supposed to tell me?"

"They said it would stress you out," she says. "That you're not ready to know."

"Know what?"

Brittany leans forward. "You can't tell them I told you," she whispers. "You're not supposed to know."

"Know what?" Rachel asks again.

"That you're bicurious for Quinn," she says, bouncing slightly.

"I'm what?"

"You love Quinn," Brittany says; "and she loves you. Like, love _love_. San never admits it, but we're sometimes jealous of you guys. Quinn loves with everything, and so do you."

Rachel shakes her head. "Brittany, you must have it wrong," she says. "Quinn and I are not... whatever you're claiming we are."

"Girlfriends," Brittany says. "In love. You are. It's so cute."

"No," Rachel says, starting to shake her head. "No," she says again. "You're wrong. We're not. There's no way."

Brittany frowns, starting to argue the truth of it, but Rachel won't let her.

"No, no, no," she says. "You're wrong. It's not true. I wouldn't - _she_ wouldn't - you can't just say things like that. I - I love Finn, and you can't just say things like that. You _can't_. You can't. You can't."

Her own words kickstart a panic attack, and she can't breathe, and Brittany has to rush out to get some help because Rachel just won't calm down, and nothing is helping.

They call her doctors, and, an injection later, she drifts to a place where her entire world hasn't been flipped on its head.

* * *

"So... she knows," a voice whispers, and Rachel immediately recognises it despite her grogginess. She's not fully awake, but she knows that voice, and she forces herself not to react when all she wants to do is scream _get out_.

"It seems so," LeRoy says.

Quinn sighs. "I wanted to be the one to tell her."

"Did you have a plan?"

"No."

"Maybe it's better the bandaid was ripped off?"

"She had a panic attack, Lee," Quinn says, and she sounds so weary. "They had to _sedate_ her. I don't know about you, but that tells me a hell of a lot about what she thinks about the idea of being with me."

"She doesn't _know_ you, Quinn."

"And, she obviously doesn't want to," Quinn says. "I thought, maybe, I could have more time just to talk to her, let her get to know me before I said _hey, you want to know something funny, we've actually been in a relationship for more than a year, want some more jello?_ "

"Rachel doesn't eat jello."

" _So_ not the point, Lee."

"What do you want me to say, Quinn?"

Quinn sighs again, and Rachel can practically feel it in her bones. "I want you to tell me everything's going to be okay," she whispers. "I need you to tell me I didn't just lose her, when she's lying right here. I need you to tell me she'll love me again."

And, it's the fact that LeRoy says nothing in response that breaks all their hearts.

* * *

The next time Rachel wakes, Santana is the only other person in the room. She's reading a magazine, one leg crossed over the other, and she looks utterly bored.

While Rachel can accept that they're friends in 2013, the 2010 Rachel is still wary of the Latina. She's seen far too much, and she isn't just about to forget her experiences with the other girl.

Santana eventually notices she's awake, and sets the magazine on the table beside Rachel's bed. "There she is," Santana says, and her smile is gentle, soft in ways Rachel has never seen before. "They really knocked you out, didn't they?"

Rachel blinks. Knocked her out? For what?

Oh.

"How long have I been out?" Rachel asks, not mentioning that she was halfway awake for a random five minutes in the middle there.

"A while," Santana says. "Long enough that I had to get Britt to restrain Q from doing something stupid like cutting her hair even shorter or even like going to her parents to get the number to some hotshot doctor who could probably diagnose your amnesia for what it really is."

Rachel has no idea what to say to that, so she just remains silent.

Santana leans forward. "So, you know, huh?" she says. "I anticipated a freakout, but definitely not one that bad. I mean, there are worse people to be with. Like Finncompetent, or even JBI."

Rachel frowns. "But, I am with Finn."

"You haven't been with Finn since junior year, Berry," she says with a shake of her head. "You and Quinn have been together, in a completely committed, adult relationship for more than a year."

"No," Rachel says. "That can't be true. I'm not - I don't even - "

"Oh, hun, you _are_ , and you _do_ ," she says. "Our apartment in NYC is one, big, gay party. It's kind of a requirement to live there, you know? You have to exist on the LGBT spectrum. It's written in our lease."

"Santana."

"I know it doesn't help you just telling you these things, but it's all real, okay? You and Q are like stupidly in love with each other, it's disgusting."

" _Santana_."

The Latina rolls her eyes, and then hands her a scrap of paper. "That's your Facebook login information," she says. "Q says you changed it after graduation. Your Timeline is kind of a sequence of events in your relationship with her, so it should prove we're not making this all up to mess with you."

Rachel's eyes widen. "We're out?"

Santana nods. "How do you think I worked up the courage to be out as well?"

"I didn't know you were."

"Well, I am."

They're quiet for a moment as Rachel tries to make sense of everything she's just learnt.

"You know," Santana says into the silence, and she sounds thoughtful. "I always suspected Q would be a trailblazer, but she surprised even me with this one."

"Brittany said we went to Pride?"

Santana hums in confirmation. "Like I said, _totally_ surprised me."

Rachel just hums, and then resettles against her pillows. "In my head, I'm still in love with Finn," she says. "We're in a relationship, Santana. I don't know how to consolidate that with the fact that I'm actually dating a girl who used to bully me to tears."

Santana winces. "She's not that girl anymore."

"I don't know that, and I'm sorry if I'm not going to take your word for it."

Santana sighs. "Let her show you then," she says. "She's ready and willing to win your love once more. She did it once, and you'd be stupid not to let her try to do it again. I know my words mean nothing, but I've literally never seen either of you happier. Quinn is the superior significant other, Rachel. Hands down."

The fact that she uses 'Rachel' makes Rachel feel the weight of her words. But, that's all they are. Words. She thinks she needs to see it, to know for sure, and that's what the Facebook information is for.

She'll get to see for herself.

She'll get to see the memories she's lost, and then she can try to piece together the last two years that are missing.

"Okay," is all Rachel says. "Okay."

It's all that matters now, anyway. It's all she has to offer.

"Your phone was destroyed in the accident," Santana says, "but Q brought your _iPad_ if you want to use it. There's also _Netflix_ if you're bored."

" _Netflix_?"

"Oh, fuck," she says. "Never mind."

Rachel just sighs. "One thing at a time, huh?"

"Sure."

Rachel glances down at the piece of paper, and frowns at the sight of her password that's Lucyintheskywithdiamonds1993. What the?

She resolves to log in once Santana has left.

Which is an intention that gets shot to hell the second Finn Hudson visits a few minutes after the Latina has left.

* * *

"What are you doing?"

It's Kurt who asks the question, because he's the one who showed up to visit Rachel after forcing Quinn to get some sleep, only to find his stepbrother sitting on the edge of Rachel's bed and holding the brunette's hand.

Finn's lucky it's him and not Quinn or Santana, because Kurt might have the intention to hurt him, but it's unlikely he'll actually follow through the way those crazy girls might.

Finn almost jumps out of his skin when he sees Kurt, whose arms are folded across his chest accusingly. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question," Kurt says.

"I came to see Rachel," Finn says.

"I see," Kurt says. "And, how do you explain the hand-holding?"

Finn hesitates. "She needed it."

"Did she now?"

Finn nods vigorously. "Don't you see, Kurt? This is my chance."

"Your chance to what?"

"Get it right," he says, and Kurt almost groans at the sound of those words. "With Rachel. It's our second chance. Or third."

Kurt frowns. "You're kidding, right?"

"Why would I be kidding?" Finn says. "This is like the Universe trying to fix itself. In Rachel's time, we're still dating, and I can make sure I don't mess it up this time."

"Are you even hearing yourself?" Kurt asks. "This isn't some kind of do-over for you, Finn. Rachel got injured and she lost her memories. It's something serious."

"I know," Finn says, suddenly defensive. "I don't see what the big problem is. Rachel seems happy."

"You don't see the problem," Kurt echoes. "Uh, what about Quinn?"

Finn scowls, because he and said blonde haven't really seen eye-to-eye for some time now. Finn still believes Quinn is the reason Rachel didn't give them another chance at the end of their junior year, and he's never quite forgiven her.

And, now, because of Quinn, he's been handed the gift of a Rachel Berry who still looks at him as if the stars shine in his eyes. He didn't even realise how much he missed being looked at that way, and he's going to do whatever it takes to hold onto it. He's going to do better this time around.

"Finn," Kurt says. "You can't do this."

"Why not?" Finn immediately counters. "I thought you would want Rachel to be happy, and I can do that. I mean, you guys hadn't even told her about Quinn, so what does that say?"

Kurt has so many things he wants to say, but he honestly can't form the words. In the end, all he says is, "You can't do this," again.

Finn levels his gaze at Kurt, and then says, "Watch me."

* * *

Rachel is staring at nothing in particular when Kurt finally enters the room. He's feeling conflicted. He has a loyalty to Quinn, but there's really nothing he can say to Rachel, other than _please don't start anything with my stepbrother._

"Hey," he says, and Rachel offers him a small smile.

"Hi," she says. "Are you guys playing some kind of tag team?"

He shrugs. "We're acting as trusted eyes and ears," he admits. "Quinn's worried about you, and she wants to see you, but, well, with the way you reacted earlier, she doesn't want to send you into another panic attack."

Rachel sighs. "I don't know how else I was supposed to react."

"Um, maybe _not_ almost hyperventilating," he suggests. "And, I don't know, maybe also _not_ spending time alone with Finn."

Rachel stares at him. "Are you telling me that because you're actually interested in him?"

Kurt clenches his jaw. "You know, even in junior year, I thought we moved on from that," he says. "If you want to take another hit at me, then do so, but you have to know you and Finn aren't together for a reason, and the Rachel in 2013 is happy in her relationship with Quinn. Why would you want to ruin that for her?"

"She's not me, Kurt," Rachel says. "She's not me, and you're all going to need to accept that."

"You want everything to be the same, and I think it's time you also accept it's not," he says. "Whatever you're doing with Finn isn't going to change what's really happening."

"And, what is really happening here, Kurt?" she asks pointedly. "What is all of this?"

He takes a moment. "Rachel Berry is my best friend," he says. "She's honestly the best person I know, and she's happy and in love and talented, and I love her in ways that are making me say these things that I know you don't like hearing. Just…

"Please don't ruin things for her. _Please_. Maybe, one day, you're going to remember things, and then what? What happens when you've spent all this time with Finn and burned everything with Quinn, just to make yourself feel more settled? What happens when 2013 Rachel starts to remember, and _you've_ managed to lose Quinn? What happens then?"

And, for the most part, Rachel doesn't actually care.

It's Quinn.

Rachel doesn't love Quinn, and she can't actually see herself ever getting over everything enough to be able to do so. That's just her current reality, because her last conscious memory of Quinn involved hateful words and cruel laughter.

Her resolve must show on her face, because Kurt sighs in defeat.

"I always knew you were stubborn, but this is a little much, isn't it? All you have to do is open your eyes and see what's right in front of you. Being so determined to hold onto the past this way is going to ruin it all for my best friend, and you have to know that future Rachel isn't going to forgive you if you do."

Rachel looks away from him, and then says, "I think I'd like you to leave now."

While Kurt thinks he expects it, it still surprises him that she asks him to go. "Okay," he says, relenting. "Okay, Rachel. If that's what you want, I'm going to go. Just, please think about this properly. Just, think about it. It's not just Quinn's heart you'll be breaking, but also your own."

Rachel says nothing, and Kurt takes his leave.

She has a lot to think about.

* * *

Rachel _does_ think about it - perhaps too much - and she thinks she makes a decision. It helps that people seem to be giving her a wide berth, but she knows they're just waiting to broach the subject.

Rachel works herself into right panics whenever she spends too much time thinking about the fact her future self ends up in a relationship with the girl who made it her mission to make her life a living hell.

How?

Just, how?

She's far too terrified to log onto Facebook, because she's worried the confirmation will just confuse her. She doesn't want it to be real, and it's much easier to pretend it's not.

* * *

Rachel has two full days that are Quinn-free and, when she does finally see the blonde again, she's not ready for it.

Quinn is just standing talking to LeRoy, and Rachel can see her through the open door, and she already feels the panic attack building. It's all a little too much to deal with, particularly after her conversations with Santana and Kurt, and all she wants is for everything to _stop_.

She needs this not to be a thing in her life.

Her breathing starts to grow rapid, and it gets worse the more she thinks about it. It's bad enough to alert LeRoy and Quinn and, when they both rush into the room, Rachel actually shrieks as Quinn gets closer, reaching out to touch her.

"Quinn," LeRoy suddenly says, and he sounds stern. "You have to leave."

Rachel closes her eyes to the way Quinn's entire face falls, because she doesn't need the guilt of causing _that_ in her life, on top of everything else.

It takes almost ten minutes to get her calm enough that her heart isn't beating rapidly and her breathing isn't in the stratosphere.

It takes another fourteen minutes for LeRoy to feel comfortable enough to leave the room, once more, and it's the moment Rachel makes her own decision that she suspects LeRoy has already made.

That can't happen again, so she does the completely mature thing and asks Hiram to -

Well, she asks him to tell Quinn that she doesn't want to see her.

Hiram looks as stricken as Rachel's sure Quinn is going to. "Are you sure?" he asks softly.

Rachel isn't, but she still nods. "I - I can't do this, Dad. I just _can't_."

Hiram has a thousand things he wants to say, but nothing comes out. What can he say, anyway? He doesn't know how to make this better for any of them.

What he does know is that _he_ can't and won't be the one to say the required words to Quinn, because they would break him.

He's suddenly certain they're going to break them all.

* * *

"Wait."

LeRoy waits.

"You don't think it's a good idea for me to see her," Quinn echoes. "Is that your professional opinion?"

LeRoy doesn't immediately say anything. The truth is he wishes none of this was happening, but he sees no other choice.

"Quinn," LeRoy says. "You have to understand that seeing you is hindering her recovery. She's far too stressed out at the moment, and I don't know how else to get her to stay calm. Her disbelief is through the roof. Can you imagine what any of this has been like for her?"

And, the thing is, Quinn understands.

 _Of course_ , she understands.

It would be worse if she didn't, but she _does_.

She just -

"Lee," she whispers. "What do I do? What am I supposed to do?" She looks positively helpless. "She's - she's everything."

LeRoy closes his eyes. "I know, Sweetheart."

Quinn looks away, in order to gather herself, and then asks, "What happens now?"

LeRoy meets her gaze. "I think you already know, Quinn."

Quinn sighs, because she does. "Okay," she says. "Okay."

* * *

Rachel knows she shouldn't, but she still pretends to be asleep when she hears her door open. She doesn't really want to deal with anyone else, now that she's been privy to what's actually happened the past two years.

"Hey," a voice says, and Rachel does her best not to react to the sound of Quinn's soft timbre. "I never thought I would be happy you're actually asleep, but this is the only way I get to see you, so I'll take it."

Rachel hears Quinn shuffle further into the room, and then take a seat in the chair at her bedside.

Quinn sighs. "I get why you don't want to see me," she says. "I mean, I understand it, sort of. I don't know if I can ever really say I know what it's like for you, but, if I woke up one day as 2010 Quinn and found out I was in a relationship with you, I probably, definitely, would have freaked the fuck out." She laughs breathily. "And, yet, here we are. I couldn't have predicted it any better than the next person, but I have no regrets about anything, because I now know how it feels to be loved by you, and it's meant everything to me.

"In our lives before the accident, we're happy, you know? Being apart is difficult, but we've been making it work. You told me we could do it, and I never quite believed you until we started actually doing it."

Rachel feels gentle pressure on her hand, and she resists the urge to pull it away.

"I know things must be really confusing, and I don't want to make it worse, which is why I'll be going to stay with Santana. I just - I need you to know I'm here. I love you, and I need you to know that. We've been happy, and I want us to get that back. I want to prove to you that you made all the right decisions when you gave me a chance the first time. I'll do it all again, Rachel. I'll work my way through all the stages, friendship to lovers, just to prove to you I'm worth it. _We're_ worth it, Rachel, because you and me, we're meant to be. You'll see."

Rachel could almost believe her, but she can't help but remember the slushies and the vile words.

"If you'll let me, I intend to woo you again. I'm looking for the silver lining, you know? We get to relive all our firsts, if you'd like. I can also tell you about them. I can answer all your questions, and I promise to tell you the truth. I did that when we first started out, you know. It's the only thing you said you wanted from me - expected of me - and I've done my best to keep it. I've been the most honest with you than anyone else in my life, and I need you to know how much you mean to me. I love you, Rachel Berry, and I intend to prove myself to you."

Rachel hears Quinn get to her feet, and then she feels soft, warm lips against the skin of her forehead. Quinn lingers, inhaling deeply, and Rachel hates how comforting the action is to her.

"You know," Quinn says as she pulls away. "You can pretend all you want, but you should know I've spent many a night in bed beside you. I know how you breathe when you're sleeping, Rachel Berry." Her breath is warm against Rachel's skin. "But, it's okay," she says. "As long as you know." Another kiss. "I love you."

And, then, she's gone.

Rachel can't help but wish she stayed.

* * *

By the time Rachel is scheduled to be discharged, things have settled.

Quinn doesn't visit.

Kurt visits only when Santana does.

Finn visits every afternoon, which are the only few hours of the day that she feels the most herself.

Sort of.

She thought she would feel better without having to deal with the pressure of knowing about her relationship with Quinn by just not seeing the blonde, but she's starting to feel something else entirely different now.

She doesn't want to accept that she feels a little lonely.

It isn't even as if she spent any significant time with Quinn, but she feels this odd sort of loss that she just can't seem to understand, and she doesn't know who to talk to about it. Her fathers seem conflicted, Finn avoids talk of anything to do with the accident and its aftermath, Santana doesn't even bring up Quinn anymore save for complaints of hogging the duvet covers, and Kurt wears his disapproval like a mask.

There are others, but Rachel realises far too quickly just how few people 2010 Rachel actually had in her corner. It was really just Finn, and she's come to accept that 2013 Rachel is luckier.

Kurt's warning rings in her mind, but there's nothing to be done about it now.


	2. Chapter 2

**II**

The trip home is uneventful.

Even with all the time that seems to have passed, Lima, itself, doesn't seem to have changed at all. If anything, it's exactly the way she remembers, and there's a certain comfort to be found in that.

It's why she feels so comfortable with Finn, as well. He's exactly the same, when everything and everybody else is different.

Rachel's fathers drive her, both of them looking happy and worried at the same time. She appreciates it, of course, but it's starting to irritate her. Besides her lack of memories, she's perfectly healthy. Her doctors claim she's lucky; that the accident could have been a lot worse if Quinn hadn't tugged on her arm to pull her away from the bulk of the impact at the last second.

What they're not saying is that Quinn probably saved her life.

Rachel isn't quite ready to unpack that just yet.

When they get to the house - that is thankfully _still_ the house in which she grew up - Rachel feels both heavier and lighter at the same time.

LeRoy carries her small suitcase inside, and Hiram walks with her to the front door, their arms linked.

"There's nobody here," Hiram says. "Kurt wanted to throw a 'Welcome Home' party, but Quinn vetoed that idea. She thinks that would be too overwhelming on your first night." He pauses. "She was right, wasn't she?"

All Rachel can do is nod, because Quinn is proving, once again, just how well she knows her. It's unsettling, even in the blonde's absence.

"Come in," LeRoy says, appearing at the front door. "We made your favourite lasagna."

"We?" Rachel asks, stepping across the threshold and feeling a bit as if she's visiting someone else's house.

LeRoy shrugs. "Figure of speech, honey," he simply says. "You know I wouldn't let your father anywhere near the kitchen."

"Hey," Hiram complains, and Rachel just smiles, even though she gets the feeling her father just lied to her.

'We' means Quinn.

"Would you like a tour?" LeRoy asks. "We've redone the den and the basement."

Rachel just nods, because the basement is supposed to be her space. She hopes she had a say in how it ended up looking.

She did.

She definitely did.

It has Rachel Berry flare written all over it, with stars and bright furnishings that make the room look larger. Her stage is still in place, and her piano is actually open, as if it's recently been used.

"Were you playing?" Rachel asks both her fathers, curious because she can't recall either of them ever showing an inclination towards the instrument.

"That was Quinn," LeRoy says, actually mentioning the blonde this time. What he doesn't say is that Quinn plays music because it helps her feel closer to Rachel.

Rachel just nods, and then shuffles further into the room to distract herself from the sharp pang in her chest that she just doesn't understand.

Even though she can't remember, she can still imagine nights spent in this room with music and laughter. She wonders if she'll get that back, and in what capacity.

She doesn't see where Finn fits into her fantasy, and she shakes off the idea that she can easily see Quinn, Santana and Brittany, and even Kurt. She knows Blaine is also a close friend of hers, and she also knows Sam has been supportive of her, even though his priority seems to be Quinn from their brief interactions.

She wonders if they all had plans to hang out for Winter Break.

Probably.

Eventually, she turns and leads the way back up the stairs. Imagining her missing memories has become a part of her daily life now, and she's not entirely sure she likes what it means for her.

She'll worry about it later.

The den isn't all that different from what she remembers. Really, her fathers just changed the couch and put in some blinds. Nothing fancy.

The really big difference that wasn't even stipulated is actually her bedroom.

It just doesn't seem as if it's _her_ bedroom, and she doesn't figure out the reason why until she opens her closet and sees several babydoll dresses that definitely aren't her own hanging beside her coats.

Oh.

It doesn't feel like her bedroom, because it's actually _their_ bedroom.

The accents that aren't her own belong to Quinn, and Rachel wonders for the first time just how much her fathers aren't telling her about how serious her relationship with Quinn actually is.

Was.

They _lived_ together.

Why would they be living together here? It isn't even as if it's a holiday thing, either, because, now that Rachel knows to look, she sees lots of things that aren't her own.

The books, mainly. They're everywhere. There is an old quilt on her bed that she imagines must belong to Quinn, and there's a pile of notebooks on her desk. There are also toiletries in her bathroom that she wouldn't use.

Everything is not the same, and she hates it.

As far as she knows, she's still her sixteen-year-old self, but she's been thrown into a stranger's bedroom. That's apparently been shared with another stranger.

Rachel can sense that something is both wrong and right with what she's looking at. Quinn is a part of this room, and Rachel can't resist the urge to turn and run somewhere far away where things are the same and nothing is different.

It's almost automatic that she leaves the room and heads down the stairs. She finds her fathers in the living room, the two of them huddled over one of their phones.

It's Quinn.

She knows it's Quinn, and she's so overwhelmed by it all. It's one thing to know she was Quinn's _friend_ , but this is so much more, and that's not something Rachel ever prepared for.

She's not ready for what any of this even means.

"Dads," she says; "I think I'm going to go for a walk."

LeRoy looks worriedly at her. "You sure you're up for it?"

She nods. "I need some fresh air. I'm - "

"It's okay, Sweetheart," Hiram says, carefully interrupting. "You do what you need to do. We'll be here."

Rachel spends a moment just watching them, trying to figure out just who they are.

She knows them.

Of course, she does, but this is all too weird, and her heart hurts because of it. These are her parents, and yet she feels so lost in their presence.

With that thought, Rachel takes her leave, just needing to walk. It's been just a few days since she woke up, but that feeling of being suffocated is really getting to her. She just wants a bit of a breather, and that's exactly what this is going to be.

She heads left when she's on the sidewalk, and then she just puts one foot in front of the other, and uses the steady motion to ease her racing thoughts and raging discomfort.

The streets are quiet, which is nice and, before long, Rachel reaches what she knows to be a park she used to frequent as a child. It was before she learned children were cruel, and before she discovered the wonders of being a home body. She figured out how to keep herself entertained as an only child quite early on, and she's the only person she knows who's never let her down.

It's almost inevitable that Rachel finds Quinn at said park. The blonde is sitting under a tree with a notebook in her lap, but she isn't writing anything.

Instead, she's staring ahead from behind her new Wayfarers, and Rachel almost wishes she could see what Quinn sees. She's actually surprised by how calm she feels seeing Quinn out here. Maybe it's the fact they're not in the hospital, and there aren't any expectations that make her begin her approach.

It's probably easier for her because she's the one in control here.

It takes Quinn a long moment to notice her, and Rachel actually smiles at the way Quinn scrambles to her feet when she does.

It's awkward until Quinn says, "I think I just peed myself a little."

And, okay, it's probably the _last_ thing in the world Rachel ever expects Quinn Fabray to say, which is why she bursts out laughing. It bubbles right out of her, and Quinn looks immensely pleased with herself.

Quinn's smile is small and genuine when Rachel quiets, and then she asks, "you taking a walk?"

Rachel nods.

Quinn points somewhere to Rachel's right side. "You generally like going in that direction," she says. "You'll end up by the pond with the ducks. You and Britt absolutely love them."

Rachel blinks once, twice, and then nods. "Thank you."

Quinn smiles again. "Anything you want to know, all you have to do is ask," she says, and then she turns to resume her position under the tree.

Rachel lingers a while, just watching her, and then she continues on her walk. She finds herself wanting to see these elusive ducks.

Which, well, aren't even around, because it's too cold. The pond is lovely, though, icy but not enough to freeze over. It seems like the kind of place she would like, and Rachel stays a while, imagining afternoons spent out here with her friends and with -

With Quinn, she suspects.

This doesn't seem like the kind of place Finn would come and actually enjoy it, even if it made her happy.

It's in _that_ way he also hasn't changed.

Eventually, Rachel turns back, her teeth starting to chatter from the cold. She thinks she's given herself enough time to accept her new reality, which is a thought that gets shot to hell when she sees that Quinn is still sitting under the tree when she passes by.

Except, this time, Quinn is asleep, and Rachel can't physically handle just how adorable the blonde looks like this. Her head is tipped back against the trunk, and her lips are slightly parted. She's the epitome of cute, and Rachel has to take a picture.

It gets saved, easily, and her own smile is present as she looks down at her phone, taking in what the picture may or may not represent for her. It's the reason she's caught so unawares when a now awake Quinn suddenly asks, "Do you want to go out with me?"

Rachel practically jumps in place, and Quinn chuckles softly as she sleepily gets to her feet. She looks like a baby gazelle as she stumbles slightly, and then stretches her arms into the air, revealing a sliver of pale skin at her midriff.

"Pardon?" Rachel says, barely recovering.

"Do you - " Quinn starts, and then clears her throat. "I mean, would you go out with me?"

"Go out with you?" Rachel echoes.

"Like, to dinner or something," Quinn says, and then laughs at herself. "I should tell you that the first time I asked you out was definitely as awkward as this is right now."

Rachel just hums.

Quinn worries her bottom lip. "It - it doesn't have to be anything, you know? We can just be two people who go out to get something to eat, and you can figure out if you could maybe like me. As a friend, even."

She looks so hopeful, that all Rachel can do is nod. "I don't know when, though."

Quinn's eyes widen. "Wait. Really?"

Another nod. "Plan it," she says. "I think I could do this."

"Do what?"

"Be one of two people who go out to get something to eat."

Quinn looks unsure what to make of that, but she eventually smiles. "Do you have a specific day in mind?"

"Can I let you know?" Rachel says. "I can't be sure when I'm going to be feeling up to it."

"Sure," Quinn says. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be here." She pauses. "Well, not _here_ , obviously, because I'll probably freeze to death, but you get what I mean."

And, okay, an awkward Quinn is all kinds of adorable, and Rachel has the sudden urge to reach out and touch her, which she manages not to do.

What she does say is this: "You're cute."

Quinn flushes a little. "I'm also fucking freezing, so do you mind if I walk you to that corner over there, and then head home?"

Rachel nods. "Sure." She waits while Quinn gathers her things, and then the two of them start walking side-by-side, in complete silence.

It takes Rachel a full nineteen seconds, but she eventually asks, "Home?"

Quinn looks at her. "Excuse me?"

"You said you're going home," she says. "Where exactly is that?"

Quinn clears her throat. "Well, it's currently with Santana and her family," she says.

"You're no longer living with your mother?"

Quinn tenses for a moment, and then shakes her head. "No, I'm not living with her," she says. "She ended up taking back my father, and neither of them was too thrilled with having a gay daughter, so I kind of got kicked out a second time. It's when I came to live with you and your fathers."

Rachel feels her heart twist painfully. "I'm sorry," she says.

Quinn shrugs. "It's okay," she says, when it's really not. "I found a home where I was accepted, and that's all I've ever wanted." She glances at her own feet. "It was a bit of a struggle to get access to my Trust Fund, but Hiram helped, and my father likes to keep everything private, so threats of going public with my _sin_ can get him to acquiesce pretty quickly."

"Is that how you're paying for Yale?"

Quinn nods. "I figure, if all I get out of everything that's happened with my parents is deep insecurities and a hell of a lot of money; then I may as well use what I can, right?"

"Right," Rachel agrees sombrely. "I'm still sorry, though."

"I'm not," Quinn says. "Given the choice, I would do it again. I'm happier like this. True and free and no longer hiding behind bitchiness and cruelty. It's taken a long while, and a lot of hours of therapy, but I'm finally at a point in my life where I can honestly say I'm as settled as I can be." She's quiet for a moment. "Well, I was. Before all of this."

"I'm sorry."

"You've really go to stop apologising, Rachel," she says, smiling gently. "We're all doing the best we can, right? All I'm asking is for a chance."

And, Rachel wants to give it to her. She thinks they can be friends. Maybe. As far as Rachel knows, all she's wanted is to be Quinn's friend, and now she has the opportunity. What worries her the most is that she doesn't know if she'll be able to give Quinn more if she asks for it.

It seems they're both going to be taking a chance.

When they leave the park and get to the corner where Quinn will go one way and Rachel will go the other, Quinn lingers.

"I know you don't actually want to see me, but I'm really glad we, umm, talked today."

"Me, too," Rachel says, and she means it.

"If you have any questions, just remember you can ask me," she says. "Call or text, if you need to."

Rachel frowns. "Santana said my phone didn't survive the accident."

Quinn blushes slightly. "Oh, yeah, it didn't," she says. "But, umm, I got you a new one, and I set it up for you and everything. It should be on your desk in your bedroom."

Rachel feels that overwhelmed feeling again, and she needs this conversation to end before she says or does something stupid - like, possibly, run away screaming.

Quinn seems to realise it, so she takes a small step back. "I should go," she says. "My number is saved on there, so, you know, whenever you're ready." She does this awkward little salute, and it's adorable. "Later, Rachel."

Rachel watches her turn and take a few steps, before she suddenly spins back around.

"Uh," Quinn starts. "I get this is a lot for you, so you should probably _not_ read any of our text message thread, okay? We were having a pretty saucy conversation before the accident, and after, I kind of - " she halts. "Just, maybe don't read it, okay? Not until you're ready." She smiles this sad smile that makes Rachel's heart hurt. "Get home safe, okay? I lo - " she halts again.

_I love you_.

Rachel is thrown by how easy the words were about to leave Quinn's mouth.

"Bye," Quinn finally says, and then she practically bolts before she can say something else.

Rachel waits a while, just watching her go until she completely disappears from sight.

There's a part of her that wants to call the blonde back.

* * *

While Rachel knows she should probably heed Quinn's warning, she doesn't.

After dinner and after she's bid her fathers goodnight, Rachel crawls into her bed with her new phone, which is a model of _iPhone_ she didn't even know existed.

Everything is already running, and she spends a few minutes going through her most recent pictures. A lot of them are of her, Santana and Kurt. A few of Quinn, and some with people she doesn't recognise, and can only assume they're people at NYADA.

There's also a healthy number of Harry Potter memes.

Rachel has a lot of messages, which she decides she'll tackle another time. Instead, she searches for Quinn's message thread, and she gets quite the eyeful.

Without reading anything, she scrolls up until she gets to the first texts from before the accident.

And, yes, they are saucy indeed.

Rachel actually blushes at what she reads of Quinn's plans for what she's going to do to her when they see each other again. Her mind involuntarily imagines the scene described, with Quinn's mouth on the skin of her neck and Quinn's hands cupping her breasts.

Rachel takes a few deep breaths to calm herself, because thinking of Quinn's mouth is really the last thing she needs to be doing.

Eventually, the texts become one-sided, and Rachel ends up reading things like _I'm sorry; baby, I'm so sorry_ and _please, please wake up; I'll do anything_ and _I had a dream that you woke up speaking only Japanese, which was fucking terrifying, and worryingly hilarious_ and _when you wake up, I'm going to tell you I love you every chance I get_ and _we're never driving from New Haven again; I'm a millionaire for a reason._

Rachel feels that overwhelming sensation settle over her, which only gets worse when she reads other things like _you woke up today, and I feel so much lighter_ and _I don't know how to survive in a world where you don't know the real me_ and _I thought it stopped hurting seeing you with him, but it hasn't_ and _I wish we were dealing with Japanese instead of this_ and _I haven't cried myself to sleep since before we became friends, but knowing you don't want to see me hurts more than I can explain_ and _you're still the most beautiful person I know_ and _it hurts; why does it hurt so much?_

Rachel feels tears prick at her eyes, and she has no desire to stop them from falling.

Her phone is still in her hand when it vibrates, and she scrolls all the way to the bottom to see what is actually common in the message thread.

**Quinn** : _Goodnight, Rach, sleep well, my dear. Dream sweetly, and remember I love you. Xx_

Then, a moment later, there's another one.

**Quinn** : _Shit. Sorry. It's habit._

Rachel smiles a little, even if she's feeling overloaded with emotions she doesn't even properly understand.

_It's okay_ , is what Rachel sends back.

It takes a minute, but Quinn eventually responds, and Rachel feels both light and heavy when she reads the words.

**Quinn** : _Okay, then. Goodnight, Rachel. I love you. X_

* * *

Rachel's first official full day at home sees her meeting with a woman by the name of Georgia Simpson, who is going to be her head tutor, while she gets a handle on the schoolwork her lost memories have robbed from her.

If Rachel thought she was overwhelmed before, being presented with one and a half years of high school work almost tips her over the edge.

Somehow, they manage to find a starting point, and Georgia informs her that she's going to be working with four other tutors to get Rachel up to speed.

LeRoy tells Rachel later that afternoon that NYADA has been contacted, and she's been granted a Leave of Absence. There is no feasible way for her to return to her New York life this unprepared, and Rachel has to accept what that really means when, two days later, Santana and Kurt stop by to tell her they're heading back to the Big Apple.

"Classes are starting on Monday," Santana explains; "and some of us don't have the excuse of a head injury not to attend them." She shakes her head. "God, you're so selfish."

Rachel finds herself smiling, even though she just wants to go with them. "I don't even know what you're studying," Rachel says.

"Pre-Med."

Rachel's eyes widen.

"Jesus," Santana grumbles. "Don't look so fucking surprised. I'm going to make an awesome doctor."

"Well, with that bedside manner," Kurt quips, and then yelps when Santana pinches the back of his hand. He rolls his eyes, and then looks at Rachel. "I have to get back, as well. They've already set my first assignments, and all my materials are in NYC."

"I understand," she says.

Kurt presses his lips together. "Maybe, you know, when you're feeling up to it, you could come and visit," he says. "Maybe seeing some familiar things might help, and we get to be there when you experience New York all over again."

"I'd really like that," Rachel says.

"I think Britt and Blaine are coming up some time in February, so you could come with them, maybe, if you're feeling up to it," Kurt says.

Rachel nods, because that actually sounds really nice. February isn't that far away, but it's also not around the corner, and Rachel thinks she can handle it.

When it's time for them to leave, Santana complains about how early she has to be up the next morning because _someone_ decided to book a fuck-early flight.

Kurt huffs. "If you'd just let Quinn buy the tickets, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"You take far too much advantage of the fact she wants nobody to drive ever again," Santana says, and Rachel blanches at the mention of Quinn.

Is she -

Is she also leaving?

Rachel doesn't work up the courage to ask the question until she's walked them both out to Kurt's car. "Is Quinn going with you?" she asks.

Kurt and Santana exchange a look, and then Santana says, "No, she's not. She's staying."

Kurt licks his lips. "She's waiting on you, Rachel, and she's willing to put her entire tertiary career on hold because you've always been the most important person to her."

Santana picks up the thread, realising what Kurt is trying to say. "Look, I get this is hard and scary and all those other words for you, but I need you to be truthful right now, okay? With yourself, and with her. If you can see yourself actually being able to give Quinn this chance, then, God, just do it, because you and Quinn, you're kind of meant to be.

"But, if you can't see yourself with her in any capacity, then you need to tell her. You need to let her go, so she can work on getting through this without waiting around, okay? That's all I'm asking. Regardless of what your feelings are about her in your head right now, this person she is in our present deserves that much from you."

All Rachel can really do is nod, and then squeak when Santana drags her into an unexpected hug.

"Take care of yourself," Santana says, releasing her and then climbing into the car.

Kurt hugs her next, and the embrace lasts a lifetime. "Call us any time, okay? With questions, or if you just want to talk. We're New York students, but we'll make time for our favourite diva."

"Okay."

Kurt kisses her cheek. "I love you, Rachel Berry," he says. "Make wise choices."

Rachel vows to try.

* * *

She fails.

It's later, when she's read Quinn's goodnight message that's now become a _thing_ that Rachel realises that she doesn't know if she'll ever again be the person _this_ Quinn needs her to be.

She can't imagine herself ever typing the words 'I love you' back to Quinn, and that kind of makes the decision for her.

She just doesn't know what she's supposed to do about it.

* * *

In the end, Rachel does nothing.

Quinn waits exactly five days to bring up dinner again, and Rachel makes an excellent excuse that she's not yet ready. Quinn's _okay_ is quick and painless, and Rachel tries not to feel guilty when Finn unexpectedly shows up for a visit mere hours later.

Rachel's not ready to face Quinn, and she would much rather deal with whatever this is with Finn. It's simpler with him; less dangerous and scary. It's safe, and she loves him. This Rachel Berry she is loves him, and nobody can expect that to change just because she woke up in someone else's life.

* * *

There are another five days before Quinn brings it up once more, and Rachel knows she has to do something now. She doesn't know how to tell Quinn dinner is a little much, and she thinks she might suggest they just take a walk together.

For the most part, the few texts they've exchanged have been easy. Rachel can handle this Quinn when they aren't in the same place, and she doesn't have to get lost in deep hazel eyes and facial features that were sculpted by the gods.

So, when she goes to type out that she'll happily meet her at the park, what she says instead is this: _I'm not actually feeling very well_.

It's the wrong thing to say, because it sparks Quinn's worry, and Rachel has to assure her it's nothing serious. _Just a headache that should pass with some res_ t. But, then, mentioning the word ' _head_ ache' after suffering a severe head injury merely fuels Quinn's worry, and Rachel wishes the ground would open up and swallow her whole.

She's still in the middle of trying to assure Quinn she's actually fine when the doorbell sounds, and she has to roll out of bed to answer it, because her fathers are out for the evening.

Rachel isn't sure what she expects to find, and she's pleasantly surprised by Finn, who's smiling hopefully and carrying a packet of takeout.

"Hi," he says. "I hope you haven't yet eaten."

And, the second Rachel invites him inside, Quinn and Quinn's worry is set aside, and she soaks up the ease with which she's found she can just _be_ when she's with Finn.

* * *

It's twenty minutes later, while Rachel is in the bathroom, that she hears the doorbell again. She doesn't think much of it, because Finn will answer the door.

_Finn_ will answer the door.

Rachel hurries just because, and it's a good thing, too, because she walks into a scene where Quinn is standing at the door and asking, "What are you doing here?"

And, Finn says, "I'm having dinner with Rachel. What are you doing here?"

When Quinn looks past Finn's form at Rachel, who is just standing there, she looks both confused and hurt.

Deeply, deeply hurt.

"You weren't replying," Quinn says. "I was worried." She holds up her own packet of takeout. "I brought you some soup. It's what you like to eat when you have a headache."

And, God, Rachel feels like the worst person in the world.

"I don't understand," Quinn says, and she looks so helpless. "What is he doing here, and why did you lie?"

Rachel steps forward. "Finn, why don't you take the soup to the kitchen?"

Finn glances at her, questions in his eyes.

"Just, take it to the kitchen, please."

Quinn hands it to him, and then she steps back and away from the front door. Rachel moves forward, exiting the house and closing the door behind her.

For a moment, they just stare at each other.

"You don't actually have a headache, do you?" Quinn starts.

Rachel sighs. "No, I don't."

"So, when I asked you about dinner, you already had plans with... Finn?"

"No."

"So, you just didn't want to have dinner with me?"

Rachel doesn't respond.

"And, what, you couldn't just tell me that?"

Rachel meets her gaze. "I don't want to have dinner with you, Quinn."

Quinn sucks in a breath. "See," she says; "that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Rachel doesn't know why she feels so irritated all of a sudden, and there's a part of her that wonders if her head trauma has affected her moods. All she knows is she doesn't owe Quinn anything. Just because they used to date in some life Rachel doesn't even remember; all of a sudden Quinn thinks she can just show up here with - with _soup_ and all these _questions_ and _now what_?

Rachel's irrational anger sparks something and, before either of them even knows what's happening, Rachel is yelling incoherent things and Quinn just looks completely lost.

"Rachel," Quinn almost begs. " _Please_."

"What?" she snaps.

Quinn clenches her jaw, clearly resisting the urge to say something she's bound to regret. "What is this even about?" she asks. "What are we even doing here?"

"You said whenever I'm ready," Rachel accuses.

"I did," Quinn allows, still agitated. "But you've given me nothing. _Nothing_. And, now I find out you're having dinner with Finn. Is this even the first time? I mean, how long has this been going on?"

"What does that matter?"

"What does that matter," Quinn echoes. "It matters because you're having dinner with other people when you're my girlfriend."

"No, I'm not," Rachel snaps, because she's not. She's _not_. "I'm not _your_ anything. If anything, right now, I'm _Finn's_ girlfriend."

Quinn narrows her eyes. "You're not. Stop saying that."

"But, I am," she argues, and she doesn't even know why she's forcing the issue when she and Finn haven't even decided on anything. "Regardless, I'm not your girlfriend, and I'm never going to be. You made sure of that."

And, now, Quinn looks thoroughly perplexed. "And, how exactly did I manage that?" she asks, and her tone is laced with so much HBIC that Rachel just  _reacts_.

"Because I don't remember!" Rachel suddenly yells. "I _can't_ remember! And it's your fault!"

Quinn's brow furrows.

"Yeah, it's your fault," Rachel continues, unable to stop herself; "because you were the one driving and now we're all in this horrible, overwhelming mess because of you."

Now, Rachel has seen Quinn Fabray be many things, but this is the first time she sees utter heartbreak written across her face.

There was apathy and defeat during their sophomore year, and a lot of indifference, but now it's something else entirely. Rachel realises far too late that her words are the absolute worst thing she could ever say to Quinn.

She knows she has to take them back.

"I didn't mean - "

Quinn just waves a hand to silence her. "Yes, you did," she says, her voice broken. "You meant every word. You do." She looks away, sighing heavily. "God, is this what you've been thinking the entire time?" She shakes her head. "You were never actually going to give me a chance, were you?"

Rachel doesn't know what to say.

Quinn blinks rapidly to keep her tears at bay. "It's okay, Rachel," she says. "I mean, I spent years trying to rectify myself in your eyes, and it would be selfish and stupid to expect the same to happen in just a few days, right? You don't remember me or our relationship."

Rachel can't help her flinch, and Quinn looks positively gutted.

"Wow," Quinn says. "I _never_ stood a chance, did I?"

It's a rhetorical question, so Rachel doesn't try to respond.

The silence that follows is long and painful, with Quinn looking at Rachel as if she doesn't recognise her, and Rachel looking at Quinn the exact same way.

"I think I'm going to go," Quinn eventually says, nodding her head, as if she's trying to convince herself it's the right thing to do. "I, um, I'm really sorry, you know? If I could take it all back, I really would, but I can't. All I can do is stand here and tell you that, despite everything, I really do love you. I wish nothing but the best for you, and just know that I'm always going to believe in you."

Rachel doesn't even know why she's crying, because she doesn't even remember the relationship Quinn seems to be mourning.

Quinn reaches out as if she wants to touch Rachel, but she stops herself, probably remembering the last time she made the move to do such a thing that day in the hospital when Rachel practically shrieked _at_ her.

Rachel feels helpless, and Quinn looks it.

"Take care of yourself, okay?" Quinn says, and she just about manages a smile. "And, you know, if ever you're in New Haven, feel free to hit me up." She rolls her eyes at herself, which is something Rachel can't stop herself from finding endearing. "Bye, Rachel," she finally says, and Rachel feels the weight of the farewell.

Quinn is saying goodbye for forever, because Rachel can't ask her to stand by while -

While she tries desperately to find solid ground.

While she tries to get a hold of herself and where she stands in this new life in which she's woken up.

Just,  _while_.

Quinn turns on her heel, not waiting for a reply, and then walks away.

Rachel can't do much more than just watch her go. Which is what she does, standing there on her fathers' front porch with a heavy heart.

It seems she waits out there for ages, because it takes the door opening behind her for her to realise that Quinn's taillights have been gone from sight for a very long time.

"Rach?"

Rachel feels her heart twist in her chest, because that's Finn.

It's _Finn_ , and he's the one she wanted in 2010, and he's the one she wants now.

It doesn't matter that time has passed.

It doesn't, because it hasn't passed for her.

What more can she do?

"Everything okay?" Finn asks.

Rachel wants to tell him no. She wants to unload all her conflicting, terrifying feelings on him, but she knows she can't. He's not the right person to help her through all of this, and she just can't shake the feeling that the person who _is_ just walked out of her life.

* * *

**Quinn** : _Just wanted to wish you goodnight. Sleep well, my dear, and dream sweetly. I love you. Xx_

**Quinn** : _Sorry. It really is a habit. I'm stopping now._

* * *

Rachel hears from her fathers the next evening that Quinn has returned to New Haven.

She missed two weeks of the new semester, but they've offered her the chance to make them up, and she jumped at the opportunity to get out of Lima the first chance she could.

"I hurt her, didn't I?" Rachel asks her fathers around the dinner table, even though she already knows the answer.

Hiram and LeRoy exchange a look, as if they're silently trying to decide which one of them should answer.

Eventually, LeRoy is the one who says, "Yes."

Even though Rachel already knows what's going to be said, she still flinches.

"I think, regardless of what ended up happening, you were always going to hurt her."

Rachel frowns.

LeRoy sighs, setting his fork against his plate. He's no longer hungry. "Even if you were to give her a chance, you'd just be going on our word that she's worth it. You needed to see it for yourself, and I think you both would have struggled with certain expectations, and it would have ultimately failed."

Rachel clenches her jaw. She doesn't want to agree, but the words are true. She knows that, but it doesn't make her feel any better.

"Is she going to be okay?" Rachel asks.

It's Hiram who responds this time. "Of course," he says. "She's Quinn Fabray. She can do anything."

And, really, the way her fathers speak about Quinn with such wonder and pride in their voices makes her irrationally jealous and confused. She can't tell if she wants them to be talking about her like that, or if she wants to be able to talk about Quinn like that.

Either way, the feeling is aggravated when, after dinner, LeRoy receives a text, and then leans over to say to Hiram, "Blondie's arrived, and she's safely in her dorm. She says the lentil soup I make is better than the shit she had on the plane."

Rachel isn't a part of the conversation, she knows, which is okay, and also not. She can't stop herself from being curious, though, and it's the first time she realises she's always been a little too interested in Quinn Fabray and her doings.

Rachel likes to think it's because she needed to be sure of where not to go, in order to avoid the Head Cheerleader, but she knows better. Rachel has always been intrigued by her, and it's taken Quinn walking out of her life to acknowledge that 2010 Rachel might have been a little too caught up in Quinn Fabray than she initially thought.

It's later, when she's up in her room that she pulls her laptop onto her bed with her, inputs the password Quinn wrote for her, and then finally opens _Facebook_. She's largely avoided it, in order to keep herself from getting too confused, but her curiosity is getting the better of her.

Her profile is rather standard. Her picture is one of her standing in Times Square, with her arms spread wide and a huge smile on her face. Her cover photo is one of a group of four people standing at what she knows to be Coney Island.

The people in the picture include herself, Quinn, Kurt and Santana, which succeeds in blowing her mind. Particularly when Quinn isn't even looking at the camera.

She's looking at her.

She's looking at Rachel, and the expression on her face is so serene; so peaceful, and Rachel is sure she's never seen Quinn look like that.

Rachel moves on to her wall, sifting through all the messages of support since the accident. There's an update from around the time that says, ' _Hi, Everyone. Rachel and I were involved in a car accident several days ago. She's currently in the hospital, in an induced coma. As yet, we're not sure when she's going to wake up, but her recovery is coming along as expected. Please can you keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Merry Christmas, and please travel safely. - **Quinn Fabray**_.'

The outpouring in the comments to that post is monumental, and Rachel doesn't even recognise half the names.

There's a post by Quinn for her birthday that brings tears to her eyes, and she's not even sure why. She reads it four times, and she finds herself missing someone she doesn't even know.

' _My dearest **Rachel Berry**. Today, you turn a year older - yes, baby, just accept that you're older than me - and I want this to be your best birthday yet. It's the first one we get to spend (Facebook) officially together, and I have a few things to say. I am so thankful for you and all you've done for me. I know I don't tell you this enough, but you've saved my life in more ways than I can ever explain. You have allowed me the opportunity to be young and free and bold, and I am so desperately in love with you that even the sun and the stars don't shine as bright as you do. You are light, Rachel, and you bless us all by shining it on us. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to figure out just how special you are and, even then, I'm sorry I handled it like a pubescent little shit when I did. The fact you've been able to forgive me and eventually love me back is astronomical, and you continue to surprise me in all the best ways. So, this is me, humbly wishing you a happy happy birthday, and I'll see you tonight. I promise to leave straight after my last Final today. We will not miss our reservations. You can stop getting that pesky **Daniela Lovato** to spam my phone. I'm coming._  
 _I love you._  
 _\- Quinn_.'

And, Rachel gets it.

This Quinn is _free_.

She's open and happy and she's accepted exactly who she is, and she's unafraid to show it to the world.

Rachel wipes at her eyes, and then forces herself to keep reading. There are lots of posts for her birthday, and she zeroes in on Santana's ' _happy nine-months-after-conception, bitch. you better not forget to buy my tampons_ ,' and Kurt's ' _I'm cooking, so you better be home early for lunch, seeing as Blondie is flexing her girlfriend muscles and monopolising the plans for your entire night. I'm not sour about it. I'm fine, really. Anyway. Happy birthday, and I love you_.'

It's when she gets to Finn's ' _happy bday_ ,' that she knows the 2013 Rachel was lucky to have Quinn, Santana and Kurt in her life.

Beyond those posts are a lot of random things. Uploads of selfies via Instagram. Little quotations from old movies. Shares of inspirational stories to motivate the masses.

There are a few posts from her friends - from Quinn - and Rachel actually shudders when she sees Quinn Fabray's casual ' _Just wanted to let you know I love you. See you Friday, baby. X_.'

The more she scrolls, the more she sees of Quinn and how much Quinn offered of herself. It amazes her, really, imagining the 2010 Quinn Fabray she remembers actually writing a post about her time at Pride with her favourite gays or about the way she spent days of her summer staring at her gorgeous girlfriend wearing only a bikini.

The summer posts are filled with pictures of the two of them, and with Santana and Brittany, and some with Kurt and Blaine. There are even a few with her fathers.

Apparently, the four of them went on a week-long getaway after graduation, and Rachel wishes she could remember.

For their sakes.

Also, for her own, she supposes.

Graduation is a whole slew of photographs, and Rachel wrote a post saying, ' _Today marks the end of four of the worst and best years of my short life. I want to say good riddance, but I can't. This place, while testing my resolve, has given me so much in return. Not only do I walk out with my diploma and my dignity, I also leave with lifelong friends and the love of my life. **Quinn Fabray** , I know we've been through more than most couples go through in whole lifetimes, but I just want you to know I regret nothing, because it all got me to this moment, and I don't think I've ever been happier. I love you, and I'm so proud of my super smart, genius girlfriend, who is Valedictorian and on her way to Yale - yes, people, be jealous - and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life growing with you. This summer is ours, baby. Let's make the most of it_.'

Rachel has more tears, which turns into laughter when she reads the comments. Santana is especially snarky, and Brittany just sends a smiley. There are well wishes from Rachel's extended family, and quite a few of them invite her - and Quinn - to spend some of their summer with them.

Rachel doesn't recall seeing any evidence that they did.

Next comes their trip to Chicago, where they took the Nationals' Title, beating out every other show choir in the country. The pictures are goofy group shots, and Rachel is nostalgic for that memory. She really wishes she had it.

Prom is a post of only two pictures. A couple shot with just the two of them, both of them in their dresses and smiling warmly at the camera. The other picture is a group shot of the two of them with Santana, Brittany, Kurt and Blaine. It's yet another milestone she doesn't recall, and she hates this. She hates it with such a passion.

She keeps scrolling back, reading through various posts and studying the pictures. There are so many with Quinn. The blonde has a habit of looking at Rachel in all of them.

Rachel actually gasps at the first picture she sees of the two of them kissing. It was obviously taken by someone else - Tina, if the comments indicate much - and Rachel can't take her eyes off the way Quinn holds her as they kiss.

If she closes her eyes, she can almost feel the blonde's arms around her body.

And, lips against her own.

Rachel clears her throat, keeps going, and has a bit of a heart attack when she sees their Regionals pictures, because, okay, was there not a duet?

Kurt told her about Mr Schuester's decision to buck tradition (which may or may not have been Quinn's influence), but it's something else entirely seeing it.

There's even a video of some of their performance, and she watches it four times, unable to stop her smile when Mercedes, Santana and Tina lead a particularly soulful Amy Whinehouse number.

It's on the fifteenth of February that Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray become _Facebook_ official, and Rachel wishes she could remember. She also wonders about how they spent Valentine's Day, and she's suddenly really curious about whether they were sexually active.

She flushes at the thought, because, seriously, she should not be thinking about having sex with Quinn.

Santana's ' _FINALLY_!' is followed by Noah's ' _I thought you already did this shit. Haven't you been together for like forever_?'

There are something like a million likes, and Rachel's eyes widen at Finn's ' _Is this for real_?' Santana's reply is to say, ' _Yip. They're going to have lots of Berry-Fabray babies_.'

Well.

Rachel's next post is Quinn's birthday, and her heart races at how much love she can tell was poured into the words.

When she first started dating Finn, she remembers wanting nothing more than to be able to post about her significant other, but knowing not to, because she was lower than him in the social hierarchy and she remembers him asking her not to.

Finn cared about that kind of thing, and Quinn didn't seem to, from the looks of things. Rachel reasons she lost it all once, so she was willing to risk it again.

It goes, ' _If anyone told me, at the start of this year, that I would be here, feeling all these butterflies for you, then I would probably have laughed in their face. But, you showed up on my doorstep at the worst and best time in my life, asking me to let you actually TRY, and now look where we are. We've come a long way from being adversaries. I thought nothing could top being your friend, but what we have now means the world and so much more. I love you, **Quinn Fabray** , and I wish you the best birthday imaginable. I'm in charge, so it's going to come close. See you at school, baby_.'

It's odd, she thinks, that she and Quinn waited so long to become _Facebook_ official, given the fact they were already open about their relationship before that. It's something she probably could have asked Quinn before she went and lied to the girl about Finn.

It's in this moment Rachel feels real regret sink in.

She really never even gave Quinn a chance, even though she had every intention of doing so.

Then, there's this: ' _hey, you. just letting you know you look super hot today. i can barely concentrate on what mr harris is saying. like, fml, i'm going to fail this section. thank you for that, by the way. i love you_.'

Just when Rachel thinks she has a handle on everything, things like this pop up.

Quinn wrote on her wall, just because she could, and Rachel knows she's always wanted a relationship like that. She's always wanted a relationship where her partner actually seems to like her and like spending time with her and talking to her.

Is that so much to ask?

Apparently not, if it comes to Quinn, and she's unsure how to feel about that.

Their January is tame, with little posts here and there about mundane things. There are a few pictures of a day out with Brittany and Santana, and Rachel wonders if her relationship with those two changed because of Quinn, or if her relationship with Quinn changed because of them.

She reasons it's the former, just by Quinn's caption of ' _The best day with my best people. (Nobody can know how happy I am they can all get along_ ).' And then Rachel sees Santana's comment: ' _The threats help_.' And then her own: ' _Just admit it, Lopez, you love me_ ,' which is followed by Santana's reply of ' _Shut it, Berry, you're doing that whole talking thing again_.' Brittany's ' _San, play nice_ ,' makes her smile, and she positively beams at Quinn's ' _This is her being nice, B. Snarky is her default setting. This is the best we're going to get_.'

It's at New Year's that Rachel gets the surprise of her life. The second picture of her and Quinn kissing, under the stars with fireworks in the sky. She's tagged in Quinn's post, with the caption: ' _Guys, guys, GUYS, I have news. You heard it here first, people. I have a super gorgeous, amazing girlfriend. That's all. kthanksbye._  
 _P.S. Oh, and happy new year, good people_.'

Rachel laughs softly, and she literally cannot stop looking at the picture in front of her. They're the perfect height for each other, really, and Rachel wonders how they managed to get to this point in this picture.

She has the sudden urge to call Quinn and just ask her, but she knows she can't do that. She's not sure she'll ever be able to again.

The rest of their Winter Break is obviously spent together, and the pictures tell Rachel that Quinn was with her and her family for Christmas, Hanukkah and Rachel's birthday.

Her own birthday post includes a picture of her with Quinn's arms wrapped around her from behind, her nose nuzzling Rachel's hair. It says, ' _The best gift I got today is this girl, **Quinn Fabray** , who's coming to stay. With me. Forever. (She doesn't yet know about that last part, so don't tell her). I am the happiest girl in the world, today and every day_.'

Rachel is surprised by her own tears, and she quickly wipes at her eyes, because she's never seen her own self look as content as she looks in that picture. She looks so relaxed in Quinn's arms, and she can only imagine what it felt like.

The next pictures involve their Sectionals, and they obviously won. She wishes she could remember that, because music has always been a comfort to her.

Rachel just wants to find the start. She wants to see the beginning of their relationship, and she finds it a few posts later.

Sort of.

It's around Thanksgiving.

It comes in the form of one of Quinn's posts that Rachel is tagged in.

' _Hello, Friends. If you're seeing this, then you're the select few I trust with my true self. I've deleted my old account - too many of my family members are on it - and from here on out, these are the important things to know about me: 1. My favourite book is Alice in Wonderland. 2. I'm not a natural blonde. 3. I've always wanted a pet to call Roosevelt (maybe a kitten, I don't know). 4. I'm a writer. And, 5. I'm in love with **Rachel Berry**._  
 _That's all._  
 _Let's talk_.'

Rachel's heart is beating far too quickly, and she can practically feel it in her entire body.

Quinn.

_This_ Quinn Fabray.

She's someone Rachel realises she wants to know, but she can't shake the feeling that she's missed her chance.

She wishes she could go back, somehow, or just remember everything, so she can have a conversation with this Quinn and just get to know her.

But.

She sighs at the words, ' _Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray are now friends_ ,' and wonders how they went from barely tolerating each other to public declarations of love.

Rachel wants to go on reading, maybe about their friendship, but she can't bring herself to. It's obvious they were already dating by the time Quinn deleted her old profile, and Rachel wonders how much of Quinn's decision involved her discovered sexuality. How did she come out? Did they do it together?

It's yet another thing she wants to ask, but it's all over now.

Quinn built the bridge, and Rachel burned it.

All in all, Rachel feels exhausted after all of that, and her heart hurts in ways she didn't know it could.

It's regret, yes, but it's a lot more, as well.

* * *

It's the first night Rachel goes to sleep without receiving a goodnight text from Quinn.

It's also the first night she dreams.

The first night she truly starts to remember.

* * *

If Rachel expects that particular feeling of regret to dissipate with time, she's wrong. It doesn't help that her fathers bring Quinn up in conversation, even when Rachel is around, or that Finn studiously avoids the topic like the plague.

Kurt, Santana and Quinn are all gone now, and it's just Finn, Brittany, Sam and Blaine.

Really, it's just Finn, because Brittany is sad and she's unsure how to handle it, Sam and this Rachel barely know each other and Blaine is... _something_ , with her and with Finn.

Rachel tries to wrap her head around all of it, but it doesn't work.

Before the accident, she was in an adult relationship with Quinn but, according to her memories, she's still in a relationship with Finn.

Which means they had to have ended at some point, and Rachel is suddenly curious to know why.

At first, she doesn't know who to ask, but then she decides that Finn has to be her best bet. He claims he wants to do better this time around, so she's going to let him try.

That's the whole point of this, right?

Though, she can't shake the hypocrisy that she didn't even give Quinn the same courtesy.

It's almost ten days since Quinn's departure that Rachel asks the question of Finn. They're at Breadstix, which means only salad for her, but she's trying not to dwell.

As far as she knows, she's still a vegan in 2013, and she can't shake the feeling Quinn would have taken her somewhere she could have a decent meal.

Still, 2010 Rachel loves Finn, and she's not willing to let that go. Not when there's still a chance they can work it out.

"Why did we break up?" Rachel suddenly asks.

Finn chokes on the Coke he's currently gulping, and Rachel definitely could have picked a better moment to ask the question.

"I'm just curious," Rachel says when he's sufficiently recovered. "What happened? The last memories I really have are of Mr Schuester telling us about the duet competition. Did we win?"

Finn looks deeply uncomfortable, and Rachel can only wonder what happened.

"Finn?"

He clears his throat. "Uh, well, we didn't win. We kind of threw the competition."

Her eyes widen, because what! Why would she ever agree to something like that?

"Well, we wanted to keep Sam in the Club, especially after he got slushied, and he was getting on so well with - " he stops, and then smiles this smile that she's never seen before. It's almost evil - if she thought he were capable of such a thing - and she wonders what he's thinking. "Either way, Sam and Quinn ended up winning."

Rachel blinks. "Oh."

"If anything, our losing helped get them together."

"Together?"

"Didn't Quinn tell you?" he questions, all innocence. "They dated for a few months."

"Oh."

Finn nods. "I wonder why she wouldn't mention that."

Rachel didn't really give her a chance to.

Rachel sighs. "You still haven't told me why we broke up."

He swallows nervously. "It was just a misunderstanding."

She frowns. "What happened, Finn?"

He looks away for a moment. "Well, you see, you found out I lied to you about something, and then you cheated on me with Noah, and then I broke up with you."

Rachel just stares at him. "You're not serious?"

"That's what happened."

She shakes her head, because she's going to need more than that. "What was the lie?" she asks.

"It's not important," he says. "It was just a misunderstanding, and we've moved on from it."

"No, we haven't," she says. "I'm still stuck in a time when I didn't know, Finn. If it was bad enough to get me to do something as deplorable as cheat on you, then I think it's something I need to know."

He winces. "You're going to be mad."

"Tell me."

He sighs in defeat. "I lied about my virginity," he finally confesses. "Back then, when you asked if I was still a virgin, I said yes, when I wasn't."

Rachel really isn't sure how to respond to that, and she reasons she's going to have to spend some time thinking it over before she can properly respond. "Is there anything else you need to tell me?" she asks, and her voice sounds entirely too calm to both their ears.

Finn quickly shakes his head. "No, nothing."

She nods once. "Can you take me home now?"

Finn's face falls, but he eventually acquiesces.

All Rachel knows is she needs to get home and away from all of this. There's no way for her to know what's real and what's not, and she can't shake the feeling that the only person who's been completely truthful with her is Quinn.

* * *

It's later, while she's lying in bed, that Rachel reaches for her phone and pulls up Quinn's contact. Her thumb hovers over the screen, but she can't bring herself to make the call.

Instead, she dials Santana.

"Hi, Bitch," The Latina answers. "I thought little Rachel went to sleep at, like, nine o'clock."

Even though this is all new to Rachel, she rolls her eyes at Santana's antics. "Hey," she says; "are you busy?"

"Nope," she says. "Kurt's just attempting to make hot chocolate, which is usually your job, by the way, and I'm watching the _Food Network_ because Q's got me obsessed with these stupid cooking shows."

Rachel's heart rate rises at the mention of Quinn. "I kind of have a few questions," she says. "I know you'll tell me the truth. I just - I don't really know who to believe at this point."

Santana hums. "Sure," she says. "Mind if I put you on speaker? I'll keep Hummel honest."

"Okay."

It takes a moment, but everyone eventually gets into position, and Rachel starts with her questions.

"Did Finn and I really not win the duet competition junior year?"

Santana laughs. "You two sang the most offensive song on the planet," she says. "Trouty Mouth and Q ended up singing the most cavity-inducing song in the world to combat that, and everyone loves that sickly-sweet blonde love, so they took the win."

Rachel blinks. "And then they started to date?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Santana says. "He was good for her image. She wanted back on top, and he was going to help keep her there." She breathes out. "You have to understand that giving up Beth took a lot out of her. She lost everything, Berry, and then her quest to regain it all burned both herself and others. It's why she was so terrible those first few months. She tried to overcorrect, she likes to say. Sam helped mellow her out, and he's also the one who convinced her to reach out to you when you and Finn ended. So, really, if anyone's going to be credited for the epic Berry-Fabray romance, it's really him."

Rachel feels a little overwhelmed by all of that. "Why did Finn and I break up?"

There's a moment of silence, and then it's Kurt who speaks. "I should probably take that one," he says. "Uh, well, you see, because Quinn and Sam won the duet competition, Mr Schue picked them to sing the duet at Sectionals, and you really didn't take it well, at all. Like, at all. There was a bit of an altercation in the choir room, and Santana kind of revealed that, well, she and Finn did the deed and Finn lied about it."

Rachel actually gasps.

Kurt continues anyway. "You _really_ didn't handle it well, and you retaliated by making out with Noah. When you calmed enough to talk to Finn about it, you revealed what happened with Noah, and Finn suddenly got all self righteous and ended things with you all dramatically, when I'm pretty sure he kissed you while he was still with Quinn."

"You're getting off topic, hun," Santana says, and Rachel suddenly wishes she were currently in the same room as them. She just wants to bask in their light and energy.

"Right, sorry," Kurt says. "Anyway, well, that happened, and you tried to date Noah, but that was always never going to work out. That ended, and you were kind of a mess."

"Kurt," Santana says, and her voice is laced with impatience and a warning. "Just tell her what happened."

"Well, as far as San and I know, Quinn supposedly showed up at your house shortly after that and the two of you had a long talk. Quinn says she talked to Sam about your history and he encouraged her to patch things up, so she did. She asked for a chance, and you gave it to her. It kind of shook things up at school, Head Cheerleader Quinn Fabray and, well, Rachel Berry. You were soon off limits, and it was kind of a lot to get used to. But, then, you helped Sam and Quinn work on their duet, and we won Sectionals, and that was really the start of Rachel and Quinn."

"Quinn and Rachel," Santana says. "Get it right."

Kurt groans. "We've gone two whole months without anyone saying those words in this apartment, and now look at us."

"Speaking of which, tell her about the song," Santana says.

"You wrote a song, Rachel," Kurt says. "For Regionals. I think, by then, you already started to develop feelings for Quinn, but she was still with Sam, and you were sure she wouldn't reciprocate, so you wrote the saddest song imaginable, and you confused the hell out of everyone because we all thought you were over Finn, and you didn't actually care he was dating some random Cheerio."

"The song was about Quinn," Rachel deduces. "Do you have it?"

"There should be a recording on your laptop," Kurt says. "It's called Get It Right, artist Rachel Berry."

Rachel immediately rises from her bed and pads across the carpet towards her desk.

"Things got a bit weird after that. You pulled away from Quinn a bit, and she and Sam ended up breaking up, though we weren't sure why, at the time. Quinn told us later that she started to accept that maybe there was more to the way she treated you in the past, and Sam helped her see that."

Rachel actually wants to give Sam a hug right now.

"Eventually, you kind of managed to sort yourselves out and get back to being friends," Kurt says.

Rachel can sense something coming, even as she opens her _iTunes_. "But...?"

"But, then, well, there was Jesse, who came into the picture and made it clear he wanted you back, which prompted Finn to jump into the mix as well. Which really set Quinn on edge, and she was already convinced she didn't stand a chance with you, anyway."

"It was strange when we went to New York for Nationals," Santana says. "Quinn was a little lost, and you were contemplating whether to give Finn another chance or... give in to Quinn and what it could possibly mean to your friendship if you told her about your feelings."

Rachel does a little jump when she finds the song. She lines it up, but doesn't yet press play. "Did I tell her?"

"Well, no," Kurt answers. "Finn really pulled out all the stops for you, but you resisted enough for him to think it would be something epic to kiss you on stage, in front of everyone."

"It's the reason we lost Nationals," Santana says.

"Oh, my God."

"I almost killed you," Santana says, "I'm not even joking. They had to hold me back."

"Quinn was obviously distraught, but she never said anything," Kurt says. "She could play it off as disappointment at not even placing for Nationals, but you could tell it was more than that. She thought you were going to get back together with Finn, but then you didn't."

"Because, come on, Quinn kisses so much better than Finn does," Santana says.

"How do you know what Quinn kisses like?" Rachel finds herself asking, and she really can't keep the accusation out of her voice.

Santana chuckles. "How else, Berry? Quinn and I have kissed."

Rachel feels an irrational jealousy creep into her bones, because _why is that even a thing_? "When?"

"When she was figuring out if she's really gay, or if she just has the hots for only you," Santana explains. "It was that summer. You made it clear to Finn you weren't going to take him back, which made him pursue you harder, which made you spend more time with Quinn, and it forced her to accept herself."

Rachel sits in her desk chair and breathes out slowly. It's all too much, and not nearly enough.

"She's gay, by the way," Santana says. "She's very gay, and she's always been a hit at Yale. The second her relationship status changes, it's going to be chaos."

And, okay, Rachel's feelings regarding that are both irrational and completely honest.

She's jealous.

She's so, so jealous. She doesn't want anyone else to be flirting with Quinn or touching Quinn or even looking at Quinn for too long.

"San," Kurt whispers, thinking Rachel can't hear him. "I thought we're holding out for them to work this all out."

Santana sighs. "Q called," she whispers. "She's not doing so well."

Kurt hums, and then clears his throat. "Are there any more questions, Rach?" he asks. Then, genuinely curious, he asks, "Why didn't Quinn tell you all of this? She said she was going to."

Rachel feels guilt creep into her bones. "I didn't let her," she confesses. "I just - I can't get... passed it. I don't know how, and I don't know if I can or even want to."

Kurt sighs. "Nobody is forcing you to say or do anything, Rachel. None of us knows what it's like for you. The only thing we can ask of you is not to hurt us, and that's all."

Rachel closes her eyes. "I think I've already failed at that."

There's silence for a long while, as they all let the truth of that sink in.

"I should go," Rachel eventually says. "Thank you for all your help. Things are a bit clearer now."

"You sure there isn't more you want to know?" Kurt asks.

"Not right now," she says. "I think I've learned enough for one day."

Santana sighs. "That's cool, Berry," she says. "Just, you know, when you want to know how you two finally figured out your shit and got together, _please_ can I be the one to tell you?"

Kurt groans. "God, please, no," he says. "Rachel, please don't ask her. She's going to twist it into something gross, when it's actually sweet."

Before Santana can interject, Kurt continues. "We'll talk to you soon, okay?" he says. "Take care of yourself, and keep us posted on your progress. We can't wait until you're back in New York with us."

"You just want the rent money," Santana accuses.

"Three hundred dollars is a lot, Santana," he grumbles, and Rachel hangs up to the sound of them squabbling like an old, married couple.

Rachel feels more settled and also not. She's learned a lot today, but she doesn't know what to do with any of it.

Finn lied.

He also didn't reveal the full story behind the lie.

Quinn and Sam dated for months.

She wrote a song about Quinn.

The second the thought registers in her mind, she looks back down at her laptop. The song is queued up, so all she has to do is press play.

She's not prepared.

Not for the way her heart hurts, and definitely not for the tears that follow her into slumber.


	3. Chapter 3

**III**

Rachel continues to meet with her tutors, and she's surprised by how much seems familiar.

"That's expected," David Alberts says, and he's responsible for all her social science courses. "You've already learned this all. It's in there somewhere. Your brain's just forgotten how to access it all. In time, it should all come back to you."

Sometimes, Rachel isn't sure she wants it to.

Like, now, when it seems nothing she does will allow her to escape Quinn. The only person who avoids talking about her is Finn, and Rachel's fathers have no such qualms. Quinn is a constant topic in their household, and Rachel reasons it's because Quinn is just another one of their children. She lived in this house for majority of their senior year of high school.

She's a part of this family.

"Quinn sent that link to the TED Talk she told us about," Hiram says, his eyes on LeRoy. "The one about the countries in Africa."

"Oh, yes," LeRoy says. "She said she would. _Two weeks ago_."

Hiram slaps his arm. "She's busy," he says, rolling his eyes. "Kid's trying to become something, you know?"

"I know," LeRoy says with a sigh. "I just wish she'd call more often. She used to be better at it."

"You miss her," Hiram concludes.

"Don't you?"

Before Hiram can reply, Rachel rudely cuts into their conversation.

" _God_ ," she says; "Can everyone just stop talking about Quinn for like _one minute_?" She almost growls; she's so exasperated and guilty and heartsore and anxious and regretful and all those other things that are threatening to overwhelm her when it comes to Quinn Fabray.

Both her fathers stare at her with wide eyes.

"I get it, okay?" Rachel snaps. "Quinn is wonderful and perfect and I'm an idiot, all right? I get it, so please can you both just _stop_?" She drops her fork with a clatter, and then gets to her feet and storms out of the kitchen.

The tears start the moment she enters her bedroom.

She has absolutely no idea what she's doing.

* * *

"I'm going to New York next weekend, for an early Valentine's Day."

Rachel glances up from her laptop at where Brittany is stretching out on her carpeted floor. "Oh?"

"Blaine and I are making a trip of it," she says. "Do you want to come with us?"

Rachel might have said yes in another life, but her hesitation is as clear as day.

"It'll be fun," Brittany says. "Just think about it, okay? Q set up a travel account for us because, even though it's cheaper to drive, she doesn't want any of us doing that ever again. There's plenty of money for a ticket for you. Please come."

Rachel does a mental calculation, and she has just under eight days before they're expected to leave. Eight days seems like enough time to wrap her head around what it means to visit New York.

"I'll have to check with my dads and my doctors first," Rachel says. "But, if they say yes, then I'm in."

* * *

It's two days later, when she's on the phone with Kurt that she hears Santana say, "Fucking fuck, Fabray, can you stop hogging the fucking popcorn?"

Rachel flinches, because _Quinn_.

Her fathers have stopped talking about her since Rachel's blowup at the dinner table that one night, and she's been starved of news about Quinn.

She's desperate.

"Quinn is there?" Rachel finds herself asking.

Kurt is silent for a moment. "She's visiting us, yes," he finally says. "Santana is having a crisis with this girl, Dani, from work, because Britt is arriving and San has kind of been seeing Dani, and now V-Day is about to mess everything up, and I've also kind of been missing my blonde."

Rachel's jealousy spikes dangerously, and all she wants is to be a part of it.

That part of her psyche hasn't changed since the accident. She's always felt as if she's been on the outside looking in.

Still, with every day that passes, she's starting to feel more and more settled in her body and mind. Things come back to her at the strangest times, and she's been remembering bits and pieces of the last two and a bit years.

She has an answer to one of her questions.

She and Quinn have definitely had sex.

Lots of it.

Really good, out-of-this-world, mind-blowing sex.

Rachel flushes every time she thinks of it, so she tries to keep that to a minimum. Which is easier said than done, of course. She can't help it, sometimes, when she thinks about Quinn's mouth, and Quinn's tongue and Quinn's fingers and Quinn doing all sorts of naughty things with those body parts.

"That's... nice," Rachel manages to say.

"It is," Kurt says. "She arrived yesterday, and we've just been spending the entire day catching up, pigging out and watching movies."

"Catching up," Rachel echoes. "As in, discussing everything that happened here in Lima?"

Kurt sighs. "We're her friends, Rachel," he says. "She's always talked to us, and we're kind of the only ones who can help her get through this. It's essentially a breakup, that only she has to go through. It's nobody's fault, I know, but it still sucks."

Rachel just can't seem to do anything right when it comes to Quinn. Even weeks after they ceased contact, she's still messing things up.

"How is she?" Rachel asks.

"Do you actually care?"

Rachel winces. "Of course, I care," she says. "Of course, I care, Kurt. How can you ask me that question?"

"Right now, I don't really know what to think," he says. "But, I really don't want to get into this, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now, let me tell you about this gorgeous Marc Jacobs piece I saw today. It's to die for."

Rachel is just able to pay attention to Kurt's words, but she can't completely forget that Quinn is _right there_.

* * *

It's near the end of the call that Rachel hears. "Why does she have to do that cute as sin thing where she even snores prettily?"

Kurt sighs, and then says a muffled, "Take a picture. Send it to Noah. He doesn't believe me when I say she's the most photogenic person I've ever met. I mean, even in sleep… why do people get all the good genes?"

Rachel can't stop herself from saying, "Can I see it, too?"

Kurt audibly hesitates. "Sure. I'll get San to send it to you."

Rachel is silent for a moment. "Everything is wrong, isn't it?"

"I don't know, Rachel," he says. "In your mind right now, is anything right?"

And, maybe, at some point, she could convince herself it was, but it's definitely not now. She thought being with Finn would settle the overwhelming feeling, but it's really just made it worse. She has this kind of loneliness that exists in her; a void of some kind, and she doesn't know what to do to fix it.

"No," Rachel eventually says. "Everything is wrong."

Kurt sighs. "Can I tell you something, and you have to promise not to freak out?"

"Okay..."

"I kind of threw out all your Argyle."

Rachel gasps. "Kurt!"

"I'm not sorry," he says. "Honestly, it was time. But, you can rest assured that Quinn saved two of your favourite ones. She's actually wearing one right now."

Now, Rachel really wants that picture, and it arrives several minutes after she gets off the phone with Kurt. She actually gets two of them, one a close-up of Quinn's perfect, peaceful face and the other of her curled up into a little ball on the couch, wearing Rachel's favourite owl sweater.

Rachel says _aww_ before she can stop herself, and she stares at the picture for nearly three minutes. She's dreamt of nights like this, and she realises they're actually memories.

Of her curled up against Quinn, the two of them wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, with Santana and Kurt bickering about what they're all going to watch.

She wants to be there.

And, in just a few days, she's going to get a taste.

* * *

Santana is the one to fetch them from the airport and, from the widening of her eyes, it's obvious to Rachel that Brittany didn't inform her Rachel was coming along.

Blaine lets out a laugh at the sight, and then says, "Oh, boy."

Santana grabs hold of Brittany's arm and tugs her away to talk, but Rachel and Blaine can still hear them, and Blaine slips his arm through hers as they wait, blatantly watching the interaction between the two girls.

"Britt," Santana hisses. "Why didn't you say the Midget was coming?"

"I thought you knew," Brittany says, all innocence. "What's the problem?"

Santana just shakes her head, and then sighs. "We'll worry about it later," she says. "We have to talk about something else."

"What?"

Santana shifts awkwardly, and Blaine whispers, "Oh, boy," again.

"What?" Brittany asks again.

"There's a girl," Santana says. "We work together. We've kind of been... seeing each other."

"Oh."

Santana winces. "I'm sorry?"

"Why?"

"I don't even know," she says. "She's going to be around this weekend, and I haven't really told her about us."

"Oh."

Santana runs a hand over her hair. "It's going to be fine, right? She's nice. I think you'll like her." She smiles nervously. "All I know is it's going to be an interesting weekend."

And, Rachel doesn't really realise what that means until Santana gets them on their way and casually says, "By the way, Quinn is here."

"What?" Rachel squeaks.

"You do know it's her birthday on Sunday, right?"

And, okay, Rachel kind of forgot, and she hasn't even thought of a gift and what is expected of her now?

Santana huffs out a breath. "Jesus, Berry," she says. "Please don't let her know you actually forgot her birthday, because that'll completely crush her."

Rachel looks down at her feet as they walk, already feeling overwhelmed, and they've barely been here a full half hour.

"Oh," Santana adds; "and she brought Julia."

Brittany actually growls, and Blaine says, "Oh, boy."

"What?" Rachel asks. "Who's Julia?"

"Quinn's roommate," Blaine answers.

"Who totally wants Quinn," Brittany says. "Like, she's not even sneaky about it."

Santana hums. "She's like a vulture, just waiting for Quinn to become available, and the worst and best part is that Quinn doesn't even know it. For like the hottest lesbian at Yale, she is so oblivious to her powers."

"She doesn't see anyone else because she loves Rachel," Brittany says.

Rachel flushes at the sound of that.

"I'll protect her," Brittany says. "Seeing as I can't kiss you, I'll kiss Quinn."

Santana glances over her shoulder at Rachel, and then smiles at Brittany. "You should definitely do that, B," she says. "Q definitely needs someone to kiss her. She's been all mopey and a bit of a bitch."

"She's sad," Brittany says.

"She's sad," Santana confirms.

"Don't worry, San," Brittany says. "We'll make her happy."

* * *

Quinn's deer-in-the-headlights look is honestly the best thing Rachel has ever seen in her life.

They get to the loft that was once her home to find Kurt sprawled out on the couch, a dirty blonde girl lying practically on top of him, a brunette boy sitting cross-legged on the floor by their feet, a brunette girl sitting primly in an armchair and Quinn, standing in a doorway with a bowl of cereal in her left hand, the spoon halfway to her mouth and the widest eyes imaginable.

Rachel is caught up in her sudden urge to wrap her arms around Quinn, but she keeps it together, even as Brittany launches herself at the blonde.

Santana does the introductions. "Berry, you know Q and Kurt," she says. "The one on the floor is Brody, the freeloader."

Brody throws a peanut at Santana.

"The one in the armchair is Julia, the roommate, and Hummel's blanket is Dani, the much prettier freeloader."

"I resent that," Dani grumbles.

Rachel does an awkward wave, and they all shift as the truth that she really doesn't know any of them settles into the room.

Brody gets to his feet, and then says, "You better be keeping up with your dancing, or Cassie is going to straight-up murder you when you get back."

Rachel just stares at him.

"Leave her alone, Brody," Kurt says, as he squirms out from under Dani. "She doesn't even know what you're talking about."

"Oh, yeah."

Kurt hugs Blaine first, kissing his cheek, and then pulls Rachel into a hug.

"This is a nice surprise," he says. "Why didn't you say you were coming?"

"I thought Brittany told you," Rachel lightly defends as she releases him. Before she can even take a breath, she's wrapped in another hug. Brody's arms are strong, and they feel oddly familiar.

Next, Dani hugs her gently, and says, "I know you don't remember me, but you and I sang a pretty killer version of Lukas Graham's _7 Years_ at Spotlight."

Rachel is frowning when she pulls back. "Spotlight?"

"It's the diner where we all work," Dani says. "We wait on tables and sing. It's the perfect place for people like us."

And, Rachel has to admit that it _does_ sound like the best place in the world.

Every diner should have singing servers.

It's then that Rachel notices that Quinn is no longer in the room. Neither is Santana, and Rachel casts a questioning look at Kurt, who is now huddled in deep conversation with Blaine.

The girl, Julia, is still seated in the armchair, and Rachel can practically _feel_ her animosity. She gets it now, what the others have been saying, but she doesn't have time to dwell, because suddenly there are raised voices.

"Can you just fucking calm down?" Santana hisses, her voice coming from somewhere in the apartment. "Stop that. _Fabray_. Fucking stop packing."

Rachel glances nervously around the room, and then winces when Quinn's sharp voice asks, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know."

"You could have texted from the airport, Santana," Quinn accuses, and her voice sounds strangled. "She doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want anything to do with me, and she's made herself perfectly clear. Jules and I will just go back to New Haven, and the lot of you can enjoy your weekend."

"Don't make me slap you," Santana warns. "Stop packing. Just, stop, dammit. Take a breath. Just breathe. There you go. Deep breaths, babe."

Rachel feels something ugly twist in her chest, because it's not supposed to be like this.

"You're not going anywhere," Santana says. "This is your weekend and our weekend, and we're all adults here, so we're all going to suck it up and just enjoy ourselves, okay? Can you do that? Can you just do that, because you cannot leave me here with all these crazy people, okay? You actually can't."

There's a long, awkward silence, and Rachel feels the weight of it settle on all of them.

"How?" Quinn eventually asks. "How do I just... do that?"

"You just do."

Quinn lets out a small laugh. "You're an idiot."

"I know," Santana says. "Now, can you come out there with me and say hello to her, so we can get over the awkwardness and then figure out what we're doing tonight?"

There's more silence, and Rachel wants to hide away somewhere.

"San," Quinn whispers. "Do you think I should take off her sweater?"

"No," Santana says. "I think you look cute. Especially with those glasses. Did you see how wide her eyes got when she saw you?"

"I can assure you I noticed everything about her," Quinn says, and her voice sounds closer now.

Rachel tucks herself against Brittany's side, just as Santana says, "Just so you know, B is probably, definitely, going to jump you at some point."

"Oh?"

"You look like you need it," Santana says.

Quinn is smiling when they both emerge, and Kurt is the first person to speak before the girls can catch on to the fact everyone heard their conversation.

"So, what are the plans tonight?" Kurt asks.

There's a beat of silence, and then Brody says, "Callbacks?"

Quinn shakes her head. "That's probably not a good idea," she says.

"Why?"

Quinn glances at Rachel, and then says, "It's just not. Pick something else."

And, Rachel gets it. Quinn is saying no because of her; because she knows Rachel will encounter people who will know her but she won't recognise, and Quinn doesn't want that for her, because she's obviously not ready for it.

Even after the way Rachel treated her, Quinn is still worried about her, and Rachel feels so unworthy, because this girl is obviously something special, and she very clearly loves with every part of her.

"Let's go to Robbo's," Dani suggests. "He's got booze, and Regina's got the music. Didn't you say you wanted to play the new _Kingdom of Hearts_ , San?"

"Fuck yeah."

It's almost funny the way everyone looks to Quinn for the final say, and this isn't even her apartment. There's just something about her; something so naturally commanding. She leads without even trying.

"That sounds acceptable," Quinn finally says.

"God, you're so weird," Santana says. "Why can't you just be normal and say yes?"

"Why can't you just be normal and not be a bitch?" Quinn shoots right back.

Santana lunges first, and the two of them end up in a giggling heap on the floor, and Rachel is so glad she's here.

"Dog pile," Brittany declares, and the drops down on top of them. Brody joins them, of course, because why would he pass up the opportunity to roll around with three gorgeous ladies?

"Okay, okay," Kurt says. "Break it up, Unholy Trinity... and Brody." He rolls his eyes. "Brody, get out of there, you perve."

"Just because you're gay," Brody grumbles as he slowly gets to his feet, and then holds out both hands to help the girls up, as well. He presses kisses to each of their cheeks, and Rachel is hit by a wave of jealousy so had, it almost knocks her over when his lips touch Quinn.

"Come to the dark side," Kurt jokes. "You're literally the only completely straight person here."

Rachel frowns slightly, because she's pretty sure she's completely straight.

But, then, she sees Quinn do this thing where she bumps Santana with her hip, a completely playful grin on her face, and Rachel isn't sure she's ever _not_ found Quinn insanely attractive.

"Call Robbo," Quinn tells Dani. "I should probably change."

"Me, too," Julia says, speaking for the first time, and she quickly follows behind Quinn, who disappears into a room.

Kurt grumbles something under his breath, and Dani chucks a peanut at him.

"Behave," she says.

"That's _my_ room," Kurt says. "I'm pretty sure I offered _Quinn_ my bedroom, and not both of them."

Santana's the one to throw a peanut at him this time. "Don't act all self-righteous," she says; "you're enjoying Rachel's bed far too much."

"My bed?" Rachel murmurs. "Can I see it?"

Kurt gasps. "God, we're the worst hosts, aren't we?" he says. "Let me give you a tour."

"It's a _room_ ," Santana says. "What's there to see?"

"Shut up."

Rachel doesn't know how it's possible to miss something she doesn't remember, but she does. She wants to bottle this all up and just bask in it.

Kurt links his arm with hers, and then leads her around. Nothing seems familiar, which is disappointing, but she's definitely quite surprised by her own bedroom.

"Obviously, Quinn usually slept in here whenever she visited, but... she can't seem to handle it these days, so she takes my room and I sleep in here whenever she's here."

Rachel just nods. "And... Julia?"

He scowls. "Honestly, I don't even know what she's doing here," he says. "Quinn is entirely too trusting. She just can't see that the girl is biding her time, making a silent play for her attention."

Rachel clenches her jaw. "Has she always?"

"You mean, even when you two were together?"

"Yes."

Kurt nods. "She's not very good at subtlety," he says. "The only reason Quinn doesn't notice the staring is because she's always looking at you."

Rachel disengages from him and walks around the room, taking in what she can. Her desk is neat, all her notebooks and textbooks perfectly organised. There are pictures pinned up, and she spends a few moments looking at them. There are a lot with Quinn, of course, and Kurt and Santana. Brody, too, and she wonders who he actually is.

When she asks Kurt, he says, "He's the guy you had to tell you were in a relationship with a girl four times before he stopped hitting on you."

Rachel laughs. "Oh?"

"Quinn even had to have a word with him."

Rachel smiles warmly. "How did we end up friends, then?"

Kurt's features soften slightly. "He helped you out of a tricky situation," he says softly, somewhat cryptically. "It's just one of these things. We've adopted him. Like, our special child. Sometimes, he even crashes on the couch."

"You haven't rented out my room?"

"Of course not," he says. "It's _your_ room, Rachel."

"But, you were complaining about the rent," she points out.

He waves a hand. "It's cool," he says. "Dani helps out. And, so does Quinn."

"But - "

"Leave it," he dismisses. "This is your room, and it's always going to be yours, okay? You're going to be back soon, and then our New York lives can restart."

"You really think so?"

Kurt nods. "I know it."

Rachel really hopes he's right.

* * *

Later, after Santana has exhausted herself on the _PlayStation_ and everyone is suitably buzzed, Rachel does the thing and looks for Quinn, only to find her missing in action.

Rachel leans over a slumbering Blaine and asks Kurt, "Where's Quinn?"

Kurt gestures to his right with his head, and Rachel frowns when she follows the movement towards the window. "Fire escape," he mouths.

Rachel immediately gets to her feet, stumbling slightly, and then makes her way towards the open window. She pokes her head out into the cold, and smiles when she sees Quinn leaning against the railing with her head tipped back and her eyes on the stars.

"Hey," she says, and Quinn startles at the sound of her voice. "Sorry."

Quinn's smile is gorgeously lazy, and Rachel focuses on that when she attempts to climb out. She's aware of Quinn moving closer and starting to offer her hand to help, but she stops herself.

It's the moment Rachel realises Quinn has only touched her while she's supposedly been unconscious or in slumber. It's never really been a _shared_ thing, and Rachel is saddened by that.

"What are you doing out here?" Rachel asks once she's steady on her feet.

Quinn glances at her. "Just needed some fresh air," she says. "What are _you_ doing out here?"

Maybe it's the alcohol in her system, but Rachel says, "I was looking for you."

"Oh?"

"I - I wanted to say sorry," she says.

Quinn frowns. "For what?"

She takes a breath, and then starts listing them. "For Lima. For yelling. For making you think I blame you when I definitely don't. For lying to you about Finn. For not giving you a chance when I told myself I would. For wasting your time. For not being the Rachel you know and love."

Quinn turns her entire body to face her. "That's a lot," she finally says.

"It is," Rachel agrees. "But, I really am sorry, Quinn."

Quinn doesn't say it's okay, because it's really not. "Rachel?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you know any Japanese?"

And, for all her worth, Rachel laughs, and laughs.

Quinn looks slightly bemused, but still pleased. "I'm going to assume that's a no," Quinn eventually says.

"Nihau," Rachel offers.

"Wrong language," Quinn says. "Mike And Tina would be offended. God, I'm offended for them."

"Konichiwa."

"Look at you."

Rachel cocks her head to the side, and she wonders why she never really gave this Quinn a chance before. This girl is all kinds of wonderful.

Quinn's smile is perfect, and Rachel just wants to reach out and touch her. She thinks she hasn't done it for a very specific reason, and she just now realises that the reason might be because she knows there's no coming back from it if she does.

If they touch, it'll all be over.

"Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"Santana told me that, if ever I wanted to know how we finally got together, I should ask her, but Kurt says that's a bad idea."

"I'd probably go with Kurt on that one."

"Can I ask you?" she questions. "Would you tell me how we finally got it right?"

Quinn looks at her, immediately catching on to the song reference. "You listened to it?"

"I did."

"You know, at the time, I thought you wrote it for Finn," Quinn admits. "It was a very confusing time for me. It was kind of the start of my coming to terms with everything, because the thought of you going back to him made me feel physically ill, and Sam kind of forced me to self-evaluate and unpack what that meant."

"Was it scary?"

"It was terrifying," she says. "Those last months of junior year were some of the scariest. I was feeling all these things, and then you started pulling away, and I tricked myself into thinking you figured out my feelings changed and you wanted to let me down easy." She rolls her eyes at herself. "I was way off base, though. You wanted me almost as much as I wanted you, and we were both so afraid of the rejection."

"Quite the pair, huh?"

"I could almost convince myself to confess to you, but then Jesse showed up, and then Finn was vying for your attention, and I knew I didn't stand a chance. I've never really stood a chance when it comes to him, have I?"

Rachel doesn't even know what to say.

Quinn continues anyway. "When you went out on that date with him in New York, I knew it was over. And then he kissed you in some huge romantic gesture, and I knew that was something we could never have. I almost gave up."

"Why didn't you?"

"It was probably Santana," she says. "She figured out how I felt about you, and we had a long talk about it."

"Did this talk happen to involve the two of you kissing?"

Quinn grins at her. "She told you about that, huh?"

"She claims you're a good kisser."

"I'm pretty sure you once called me phenomenal," Quinn says, this smug smile smile making her look ridiculously appealing.

Rachel can almost recall a memory of such an incident. "I see it definitely didn't go to your head."

"Your sarcasm needs some work, Berry."

"How did we finally get together?"

Quinn let out an amused breath. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"From you, yes," Rachel says.

"It's kind of gross," Quinn admits.

"That's what San said."

Quinn clears her throat. "Well, it was during the summer, July nineteenth to be specific, and you called me up complaining about severe period pain and your general woe-is-me feeling. You sounded so down and just utterly defeated when the call ended, and I knew I wouldn't just leave it at that. So, I gathered some heating packs, some vegan chocolate, and then headed to your house with my latex gloves, cleaning products and lovely bubble bath and bath salts.

"I kind of commandeered your bathroom while you lay groaning on your bed with the heating packs. I think you were delirious after you took your painkillers, but you claimed you were completely sober. Anyway, I scrubbed your bathtub clean, and then filled it, because I know you like to take baths when you're feeling uncomfortable or when you're in pain.

"I don't really know what happened, but I was bent over the tub at some point, and you came into the bathroom to see what I was up to." Quinn smiles softly, and Rachel wishes she had this memory. "Before I knew what was happening, you were tugging me to my feet and then immediately kissing me."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," Quinn confirms. "Later, you told me you'd never felt so cherished or protected, and I showed you how much you mattered, and you just couldn't stop yourself. I think I surprised us both when I started kissing you back, and our lives were never the same."

"I kissed you first?"

Quinn nods. "And, then, afterwards, I stumbled spectacularly through asking you out on an actual date. You took pity on me, just said yes, and then kissed me again. We went out two days later, and it was probably the worst and best date imaginable."

"What happened?"

"Well, I was so nervous," Quinn explains and, if she's been doing any drinking tonight, Rachel can barely tell. "I was so convinced I was going to make a fool of myself, but I bought the flowers and I made the reservations, which we ended up missing because I worked myself into a slight panic and ended up having an asthma attack and my inhaler was at home, and it was just a disaster."

Rachel's eyes widen. "Oh, my God."

Quinn laughs. "We ended up staying at your house, and I cooked some soup, and we watched movies until we both fell asleep on the couch. It was actually kind of perfect in the end."

Rachel sighs. "I wish I could remember."

Quinn's smile is a little sad. "I should probably say 'me, too,' right?"

"Don't you want me to remember?"

"Of course," Quinn says; "but, if this is the worst thing to come out of the accident, how can I complain? You're here and you're alive, and you weren't for a while." She steps closer to Rachel. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to look across the console at you and just see blood? To call out your name and receive nothing in reply?"

That overwhelming feeling is building again, and Rachel needs to take a step back.

Like always, Quinn seems to sense it, and the intensity in her entire being fades. She turns away, and Rachel does the thing.

With a hesitant hand, she reaches out to touch Quinn's shoulder. It's just about to make contact, when another voice sounds, and Rachel pulls back as if she's been burned.

Julia.

Quinn turns to the voice and smiles slightly, which makes Rachel's insides twist. "What's up, Jules?"

"Just wondering where you are," Julia says, blatantly ignoring Rachel, as she's been doing the entire night.

"I'm here," Quinn says, her smile widening.

"Do you need anything?" Julia asks.

"I think I'm good," she says. "Thanks, though."

Julia glances at Rachel, who is eyeing her critically. "Right, okay, then," she says, and then disappears from sight.

Rachel looks at Quinn. "Why do I get the feeling she doesn't like me too much?"

Quinn lets out an unexpected laugh. "You've never liked each other," she says. "Even before."

"Why?"

Quinn meets her gaze. "Unrequited feelings can turn a person ugly," she says. "Believe me, I know."

"You mean, you know? About Julia?"

Quinn nods. "I didn't, until she told me the other day."

"She told you?"

"Right after she tried to kiss me, yeah."

"She tried to what?" Rachel asks, her voice rising in pitch.

Quinn raises her eyebrows. "Careful there, Rach," she says. "You sound... concerned."

Rachel knows Quinn is being kind, because she actually sounds jealous. Completely and unashamedly jealous. How dare Julia try to kiss Quinn when -

When Quinn is single and unattached and gorgeous and at New Haven.

Rachel has no right to feel affronted by any of this. She let go of Quinn, and the blonde is free to do whatever she pleases.

"It was awkward," Quinn explains. "But, we're trying to get back to the way things were before... the _Kiss That Missed_ , I guess."

"You - you don't want her?"

Quinn gives her an incredulous look. "Rachel," she says, and she sounds entirely too calm. "I really don't want to qualify that question by responding to it, but I'll say this: I'm in love with you. _You_ , Rachel. I've been in love with you for nearly two years now, and it's not something that's just going to go away. I know what the pinnacle is.

"I know exactly how it feels to have it all; to have all I've ever wanted, and everything else pales in comparison. Do you understand that? Do you understand that the way I love you has ruined me? It's made it impossible for me to feel anything remotely similar for anyone else, and fuck if I can bring myself to be angry about that, because I'm always going to know you and I are meant to be."

Quinn smiles this little sarcastic thing, and then says, "you know you're fucked when the Mirror of Erised and a Boggart show you the same person."

It takes Rachel a moment to make sense of the Harry Potter reference, and she's definitely not prepared for it when she does.

Wow.

Quinn shrugs slightly. "Come on," she says. "We should head back inside. We'll never be able to leave if Santana passes out."

"Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry."

Quinn shakes her head. "I don't want an apology, Rachel," she says.

"Then, what do you want?"

"That's just it," Quinn says. "All I wanted was a chance, but you couldn't even give me that. What right do I have to ask for anything else?"

* * *

It takes Rachel almost two hours to fall asleep, and it has nothing to do with the fact she's sharing a bed with Kurt and Blaine.

In the next room, she just hopes Brittany is sleeping _between_ Quinn and Julia. Dani and Santana are in Santana's room and, while Brody tried to sneak in, he was relegated to the couch.

It's a full apartment, and Rachel can't shake the feeling that this 2010 Rachel she is doesn't belong here.

She just doesn't.

This is 2013 Rachel's life, and she's just an imposter.

It's the thought that eventually follows her into dreamland.

* * *

Quinn is in the kitchen when Rachel emerges from what is supposedly her bedroom. The blonde is filling up a water bottle, just standing there in her running gear, and Rachel's eyes zero in on Quinn's abs below the edge of her sports bra.

Rachel actually squeaks, and Quinn jumps in place.

"Oh, hey," Quinn says, flushing slightly. "I didn't know anyone else was up." She pauses. "Actually, I'm not surprised it's you. Still wake up at six, huh?"

"It's a habit."

Quinn nods. "Those are hard to break," she says. "I still catch myself about to send - " she stops herself. "Never mind."

Rachel knows what she's saying without her having to finish the words. Her goodnight texts. Rachel's missed them.

Rachel clears her throat. "So, you're going for a run?"

Quinn nods. "We usually do."

"Who?"

"You and me," she says. "Kurt and Santana would rather eat nails than wake up this early on a Saturday."

"So, you're going alone?"

"Well, yeah," she says. "Britt and Jules very adamantly said no. Lazy asses."

Rachel smiles softly, and then bravely asks, "Would you like some company?"

Quinn blinks once, twice, and then says, "you sure?"

"Do I have any running clothes here?"

"In your closet, yeah," Quinn says. "Second shelf. You like the pink shoes, as well. They fit better than the white ones."

Rachel can never quite get over how well Quinn knows her, and these are the moments that terrify her. "Okay, I'll be right back."

* * *

Ten minutes later, the two of them are on the street, stretching in the dim light. It's not that it's awkward, but it's obvious Quinn is practiced in this, and it's Rachel's first time.

Quinn stretches her arms up in the air, just casually revealing skin and muscles. "So, we usually run the same route," she says. "It's about four miles, and we maybe run it twice depending on how we feel when we get back."

Rachel's eyes widen. "I think we'll start with one for now," she says.

"I thought you might say that," Quinn says with a playful grin, and she's so lovely like this. "Think you can keep up?"

"Watch it, Fabray," she says.

Quinn laughs, her eyes alight with mischief. "Let's get going."

For the most part, the whole running thing isn't so bad. It's the fact that Quinn is beside her, sweaty and panting and almost naked that really makes the entire experience something else for Rachel.

It's obvious to her now that she's definitely not completely straight. It would be unusual for someone straight to trip over her own feet when Quinn runs a hand over her damp hair and reveals her biceps muscle, right?

"You all right over there?" Quinn asks.

"Yip," Rachel answers, and they keep running.

It's also obvious to her that Quinn has slowed her pace for her, which she appreciates, but it makes her feel bad.

"Can I treat you to coffee?" she asks once they finally stop.

"Oh," she says. "I usually pick up our usual order when I'm done."

"Our order?"

Quinn smiles. "You'll see."

Rachel just nods, and then follows Quinn into a busy coffee shop that she deduces is near the apartment. Quinn bypasses the line, and grins at a girl who shifts from behind a group of servers.

"Quinn," the girl greets, her smile so wide that Rachel feels as if she's witnessing a private moment.

"Hey, you," Quinn says.

"The Usual?"

"Number Two," Quinn says.

"So, Dan And Brody?"

Quinn nods. "I also need a hot chocolate, another flat white, and a café mocha."

The girl tilts her head to the side, visibly thinking. "Brittany and Blaine."

"You're good."

"The mocha?"

"Julia."

The girl pulls a face, and Quinn laughs.

"Behave," Quinn warns.

She just grins. "And the pastries?"

Quinn hums softly. "Why not?" she says with a shrug. "It's doubtful anyone's started on breakfast, and I'm kind of hungry."

"I'll get right on it," the girl says, and then looks past her. "Hey, Rachel," she says. "It's good to see you." And then she disappears from sight.

Quinn turns back to her. "That's Gina," she says. "She's awesome."

"Our friend?"

"Sort of," she says. "She wants to be, but she's a little young. She's also a little too obsessed with all of us."

"With you, you mean," Rachel quips, smiling knowingly.

Quinn blushes. "She wants to be a writer, as well."

Rachel sobers slightly. "I didn't know you wanted to be a writer," she says. "Is that what you're studying at Yale?"

"It's my Major, yeah," she says; "but I'm Minoring in Drama. I'm a little bit obsessed with the theatre. They're putting on a production on _Macbeth_ , and San and Kurt are trying to convince me to audition for Lady Macbeth."

"You should do it," Rachel says.

"You don't even know if I'm good or not."

"I doubt you'd be bad at anything," Rachel immediately says, and then blushes. "I mean, regardless of your talents, you can only gain experience from the entire process, right?"

Quinn merely nods, her eyes giving away her affection, and Rachel wonders how 2013 Rachel ever really survived a life where Quinn looked at her that way.

"Rach?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I tell you something and not have you freak out?"

"You know, that's what Kurt said before he told me he got rid of all my Argyle?"

Quinn laughs softly. "It's nothing as monumental as that," she assures. "I just wanted to tell you I missed you," she says. "Even just like this, as a friend. Just being able to talk to you. I miss that."

Rachel, thankfully, is saved from a response by Gina's return, and Quinn, mercifully, doesn't bring it up again.

* * *

The day, itself, is lazy.

Quinn runs through the entire apartment when they get back with coffee, waking everyone up like the adorable, crazy person she is, and Santana curses her out so badly until Quinn hands her a cappuccino and she shuts up.

Quinn, ever so smart, claims the bathroom first, because there are nine people in this apartment and only one bathroom. She doesn't take long, but then she's the one to get started on a big pot of soup while everyone gets ready to face the day.

"Hey, Birthday girl," Santana says once everyone is decent and fed. "What do you want to do today?"

Quinn seems to think about it as she taste-tests her soup. "You're really leaving it up to me?"

"I'm generous like that, yeah."

Quinn rolls her eyes. "It looks like a nice day," she says. "You reckon we can go see the ducks at Central Park, and then stop by that bakery I like for some cakes to go with the pre-drinks I know you have planned for a potentially crazy night."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Santana says at the same time Brody says, "It's going to be epic!"

Quinn gives Santana a significant look, and the Latina punches Brody's upper arm.

"I think it sounds like a good plan," Dani says.

"We're going to see the ducks?" Brittany asks excitedly, her eyes on Quinn.

"We're going to see the ducks, B," Quinn confirms with a nod.

Brittany does a little dance, and then wraps an arm around Rachel's shoulders. "We're going to see ducks."

And, really, how can anyone even feel remotely down or out-of-sorts when someone can be _that_ excited about ducks?

* * *

As it turns out, Brittany isn't the only one who goes crazy for the animals.

It's almost expected of Rachel, but Blaine and Brody surprise them all.

"Don't judge me," Brody grumbles when Santana practically laughs in his face; "they're cute."

* * *

Quinn loses all say in proceedings by the time they arrive back at the apartment. Santana turns into a dictator when she sends everyone to start getting ready for a night out on the town, and that's apparently that about that.

Santana even tells Quinn to _wear that red dress that makes baby gays want to eat your legs_.

Rachel doesn't really get what that means until Quinn emerges from Kurt's bedroom in a skin-tight, bright red dress that is positively sinful. Rachel's jaw actually drops, and Blaine has to close her mouth for her.

She's well out of her depth here, and Brittany stays near her side through it all. Before they head out, they eat the cakes Quinn picked out at her favourite bakery and they drink cheap wine and share a bottle of tequila.

"First round's on me," Brody declares, and then they're on their way.

Because she's still 2010 Rachel, this is all so new to her, but her friends and their friends all look comfortably sure of who they are and what they're doing in this modern New York in which they're living.

Rachel doesn't see where she fits in here, and she imagines things would be different if she and Quinn were actually on better terms.

Maybe, then, Quinn's arm would be linked with hers, and not Julia's, who doesn't even look shy about the fact she obviously wants Quinn.

Rachel can commend her for that, at least. It's not easy putting yourself out there, and then getting rejected, and then choosing to be in close proximity with said rejecter.

Julia is either a masochist, or she just bounces back quickly.

Somehow, Rachel thinks it's actually neither, because she imagines nobody would be satisfied with being relegated to the 'Friend Zone' when it comes to Quinn Fabray.

Not that Rachel can really blame her. Quinn is all kinds of wonderful, and Rachel knows it would be selfish of her to hold onto the blonde when she has no conscious intention of actually being anything more to her.

Because she knows that's what Quinn would want. They could try being friends, but there would always be the expectation of more, and Rachel isn't quite there yet. And, frankly, she can't conclusively say _if_ she'll ever be.

It's the decision Rachel has made numerous times, but this is the first time she's going to say it explicitly, and it requires a lot of liquid courage and a few rehearsals for her to pull Quinn aside when they get back to the apartment after they've danced their way right into the morning.

It's late - or early - and Rachel knows she'll lose her thunder if she doesn't get it out now. Santana has been singing happy birthday at the top of her lungs since they started for home, and Quinn looks almost relieved - and completely dead on her feet - when Rachel asks to speak to her.

Like the night before, they go out onto this apartment's fire escape, stumbling only slightly from the alcohol that hasn't quite burnt out from all the dancing.

Rachel can still remember staring at the way Quinn dances, her hips and her legs and her upper body just moving to the beat. It was sexy and sensual, and Rachel has never felt so overwhelmed by anything as much as the moment Quinn turned her head to her, crooked a finger and winked.

It was the moment Rachel knew she couldn't do this.

She _can't_ do this, to Quinn and to herself, and the two of them need to have this conversation she's put off for far too long that Quinn had to run away to New Haven because they both couldn't handle it.

In the end, Rachel doesn't even have to say anything.

Quinn takes one look at her, and then says, "It's really over, isn't it?"

Rachel doesn't even know what to say.

"It was over the second that truck skidded on the ice, wasn't it?" Quinn presses her lips together. "I thought I was prepared for this. I thought these last few weeks clued me in to how it would feel to know it's really over, but I'm not ready."

Rachel can't even look at her, because her facial expression is so pained, and Rachel's heart can't handle it. She'll never be able to handle it, and that's why they need to do this.

They _both_ need it.

"I'm sorry," Rachel says.

"Please, stop apologising," Quinn says, and her voice is strained. "I knew this was coming. I just - I was kind of hoping it wouldn't."

Rachel wants to apologise again, but she just manages to stop herself.

"It hurts," Quinn whispers; "but it was always going to."

"It'll stop one day," Rachel tries.

"You promise?"

"I promise," she says. "You'll heal."

Quinn shakes her head. "No, I won't," she says. "Maybe, one day, I might look as if I'm all better. But, if you look close enough, you'll see I'm just covered in concealer."

"I'm sorry," Rachel says.

"Don't be," Quinn says. "At least you're being truthful about it this time." She glances away. "Nietzsche once wrote, 'Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.' So, I should really say thank you for making it clear to me."

"Quinn," Rachel whispers.

"It's okay," she says. "It's okay, Rach. You take care of yourself, okay? Maybe, one day in the future, we can try that whole friends thing." She winces. "Maybe." She shakes her head, and then turns and climbs back into the apartment.

All Rachel can really do is watch her disappear into a cocoon of Brittany and Santana, and Rachel just wants to go home.

"You're making a mistake, you know?"

Rachel jumps slightly at the sound of Julia's voice.

"You're a lot of things, Rachel, but you're not stupid," the other brunette says. "Even if you don't remember your relationship with her, you know it was a good one. You know it was great, and you're just going to throw it away, and for what?"

Rachel stares at her. "I thought you'd be happy about this."

"You all misunderstand me, don't you?" Julia murmurs. "All I really want is for Quinn to be happy, and I've had a repeated reality check that I will never be the person to make sure of that, and the only person who _can_ just let her go."

"This is the best thing for everyone," Rachel says.

"You don't honestly believe that."

"I can't be who she needs."

"She doesn't need you to be _anyone_ ," Julia says. "She just needs _you_. That's all."

"I can't."

Julia shakes her head. "You can," she says; "you just don't want to."

It's the truth that follows them all into slumber, and completely plagues Rachel when she wakes on the morning of Quinn's nineteenth birthday to find both the blonde and Julia gone.

Santana doesn't even comment on it, and that says more than any of her words ever could.

* * *

When Rachel gets back to Lima, she changes her relationship status on _Facebook_ , and she tries to accept that's all it's going to take to allow them all to get back to the lives this accident has convinced her they were meant for.

* * *

Mercifully, the changed status garners no comments, and that's the only relief she gets because, whenever Rachel does the thing and checks on Quinn through her profile, it's littered with other girls vying for the blonde's attention.

Quinn isn't active on the website at all, which is the only thing that helps Rachel get through the days following their official breakup.

She doesn't want to see anyone - particularly Finn - and she doesn't respond to any texts or calls, particularly from New York. All she does is throw herself into her schoolwork and carefully avoid conversations with her fathers.

The days start to blend together and, before she knows it, Brittany is at her front door and saying, "We're going to New York for Spring Break. Pack your things. We're leaving from Columbus in five hours."

Before Rachel can even respond, Brittany is sweeping into the house and heading up to Rachel's bedroom like a hurricane.

Helpless, all Rachel can do is follow her.

"I'm not going," Rachel eventually says, wincing as Brittany finds a random suitcase and starts throwing clothes into it.

"Yes, you are," Brittany says. "You need to get out of this stupid town, and everyone misses you, and we're going. We already bought your ticket. It's already decided. Blaine said he'll even drug you if he needs to."

"He wouldn't."

* * *

He would, apparently.

* * *

Rachel is in a terrible mood by the time they arrive at the apartment in Bushwick. She's tired and groggy, and the absolute last thing she wants is to deal with Santana and Kurt asking her accusing questions or looking at her as if any of them could _understand_.

It's what she expects, anyway, but what she gets instead is a bustling Santana who's searching _everywhere_ for her Chemistry textbook, an exhausted looking Kurt, who is slumped over the kitchen table, a casual Dani, who is holding out a set of keys and a travel mug of coffee, and Quinn absolutely nowhere in sight.

Santana barely even notices their arrival.

It's the only reason, really, Rachel thinks, that Santana whoops when she finds her textbook under a throw blanket, scoops it up, and then scurries over to Dani, who hands her the keys and mug. Santana then smiles this dopey smile, presses a kiss to Dani's lips and says, "you're the absolute best. I love you," and then rushes out of the apartment without a glance back.

Rachel turns to Brittany, who looks as stoney-faced as Rachel has ever seen her, and Rachel can only imagine what's going through her head right now. She imagines Santana's going to be in her own tizzy when she realises just what happened.

Well.

Dani eventually notices them as she's gathering her own things. "Hi, guys," she says, hugging each of them. "Sorry about San," she says. "She's writing her last Final at five, and zombie-Kurt just had his final hand-in, so they're probably going to be terrible company." She rolls her eyes. "But, I know you guys can make yourselves comfortable. I, on the other hand, have to get to work. I will see you good people later tonight."

As soon as she's gone, Blaine looks at the two girls. "Well," he says; "I'm going to see to my boyfriend, and I think Rachel here needs a nap."

Without a word more, Rachel disappears into what is still her bedroom, flops onto her bed, and promptly falls asleep.

* * *

The apartment is alive with people when Rachel next wakes, and she rolls onto her back, groaning into the space above her. She can hear voices, muffled as they are, so she doesn't actually recognise any of them.

She should know better, though.

It's late enough that Quinn's train would have already arrived, and Rachel walks into the living area to find Quinn Fabray tucked into Brittany's side as the two of them look at something on an _iPad_.

She's obviously the first person Rachel sees, because everyone else is wholly unimportant in comparison, and Quinn is still so stunning. Even like this, in a Yale sweatshirt and her glasses, socked feet hidden beneath her body; she's gorgeous.

"There she is," Santana suddenly says, jumping up from her position at Dani's feet. "Dude, I'm fucking starving. Why do you sleep like the fucking dead?"

"Blaine drugged me," Rachel weakly defends. "And, hello to you too, Santana."

"Yeah, yeah," she says, dragging Rachel into a brief hug. "Can we order some food now?"

"You didn't have to wait," Rachel says.

Santana shrugs. "Yeah, we did," she says. "What are we having? I swear I'll fucking cut someone if they say the word 'soup.'"

" _Somebody_ had a crappy exam," Quinn teases, which is entirely the wrong - or right, given that it makes Santana forget for a while - thing to do, because Santana suddenly lunges for her, and Quinn's helpless giggles are probably the best thing Rachel has ever heard in her entire life. "Okay, okay," Quinn says, breathless from her laughter as Santana mercilessly tickles her. "Uncle, uncle!"

"What was that, Fabray?"

"I'm sorry," Quinn squeals, and Rachel has managed to avoid _this_ feeling until this very moment.

She was _fine_ , hidden away in Lima, where she could almost forget this entire world that she was once a part of exists, and now that she's here, she knows she'll never be a part of it.

It's why she walked away in the first place, isn't it?

Back in Lima, she could almost convince herself none of this even existed. She could pretend there isn't this void in her chest where these people exist, and she could exist in a world where nothing was different.

She thinks it's helped her, somehow. It allowed her to take a breather, just to evaluate and accept, without the added pressure of having to make decisions and maintain relationships with people she didn't really know.

She's in a better place now.

Kind of.

She's willing to _try_ , this time around.

When Quinn is finally released from her tickle-torture, she scrambles to her feet and says, "I want sushi."

"Sushi, it is," Kurt declares, as he also gets to his feet because, God, he can't handle Santana shooting down the idea. He's too exhausted for that debate. "Blondie, you want to order our usual?"

Quinn nods, and then glances at Dani. "Yay or nay?"

"Yay," Dani says, which is an interaction that confuses Rachel.

Quinn notices her questioning frown, and pauses when she's near Rachel. "Dani has a slight shellfish allergy," she explains. "Sometimes, she's a go for the prawn, which is her favourite, and sometimes she's not." She smiles softly. "Also, hi, Rachel."

"Hi, Quinn."

Quinn's smile widens slightly. "It's nice to see you," she says, and she sounds as if she means it. "I usually order you the vegetarian platter, and ask them to switch out the mayonnaise. That okay?"

Rachel audibly swallows. "Sounds perfect."

"Cool."

Rachel watches her go until Kurt is pulling her into a hug of his own. The two of them have barely spoken in a month, and she's missed him.

_This_ him, in particular, because he's her best friend, and she hates that she hasn't been able to handle any of this better than she has. They _all_ deserve better, and she doesn't know how to do any of that while she's more 2010 Rachel than 2013 Rachel.

She's been remembering more these days, just flashes and brief snippets of laughter with Kurt, banter with Santana and quiet moments with Quinn. She keeps recalling this one memory of rolling over in bed and coming face-to-face with a sleeping Quinn, who she watches slowly wake up.

It's one of her favourite memories, and she doesn't know if this person she is deserves to have something like that again.

Not with Quinn, who she's hurt in ways the blonde definitely doesn't deserve. How they ever get passed that is lost on her, and she finds herself holding onto Kurt even tighter, because this is a comfort she's denied herself since everything officially ended with Quinn.

"I missed you," Kurt says, and there's nothing accusing about his tone. "Did you have a good sleep?"

"My bed is amazing."

"God, I know," Kurt says.

"Where did I get it?"

Kurt hesitates. "Well, Quinn actually picked it," he says. "The bed you had before was crappier than mine and, after the first night she spent here, she dragged you out to get a new one, claiming there was no way she was sleeping another second on that death-trap."

Rachel can't help her smile. "She's all about the comfort, huh?"

"You definitely weren't complaining."

The words spark a memory of her and Quinn putting the bed to good use, and she blushes.

"Rachel?" Kurt questions, and then eyes her critically. Then: "No? No ways? _That's_ what you remember?"

Her blush intensifies. "I remember other things, too."

"Like what?"

"I'm pretty sure you've worn one of my Argyle sweaters."

He gasps, a hand pressing over his heart. "You lie."

" _You_ lie," Rachel says. "You claim only Quinn kept some of my sweaters, but I reckon I would find some in your closet if I went looking."

"You wouldn't."

"I wouldn't what?" she teases. "Go looking or find something?"

"Both."

"Is that a challenge? Because, you know I will."

"You wouldn't," he repeats.

Rachel's smile spreads across her face, and then she makes a run for it, Kurt right on her tail. They're both laughing as they fly into Kurt's room, only for them both to collide with Quinn, who's just getting off the phone with the restaurant.

All three of them go tumbling to the floor, and Rachel's body ends up spread over Quinn's.

Which, okay, brings back an entire host of memories that involve them in this position, just with considerably less clothing and decidedly more panting.

"Ouch," Quinn complains. "What on earth is happening?"

"She's going for my Argyle," Kurt complains, as he rolls onto his back.

"So, you _do_ have Argyle," Rachel accuses, as she scrambles off of Quinn before she does something crazy like lick the throat right in front of her.

Quinn slowly sits up and rubs at her sternum. "Shit, Rach," she says. "Did you lead with your elbow or something? _Fuck_."

Without thinking about it, Rachel reaches out to take over the rubbing and, _shit shit abort abort_.

Quinn stops moving, just staring at her, and Rachel freezes in place.

The moment is charged, and it might actually ignite if Santana doesn't come tumbling into the room.

"And, the gang is back together again," she declares, dropping onto the floor with them. "God, I've missed you crazy bitches. You can't just leave me alone with Lady Hummel for so long."

"But, Dani's here," Rachel points out, and Santana - _Santana Lopez_ \- blushes.

Santana actually looks at Quinn, seeming a little unsure. "Have you talked to Britt?"

"About?"

Santana drops the volume of her voice. "I kind of told Dani I loved her in front of B."

Quinn winces.

Kurt's eyes widen. "Wait. When did this happen? Where was I?"

Santana sighs, and then quietly explains her situation while the four of them remain huddled on the floor of Kurt's bedroom as if they haven't lost any time at all.

Rachel's knee is even touching Quinn's, and this is the most physical contact they've shared since she was in the hospital.

"Dude," Quinn says. "You're totally in love with Dani."

Santana looks distressed. "I know."

"But, you still love Britt," Kurt points out.

"I know."

Rachel licks her lips. "I think it's possible to love more than one person," she says, and all three of them look at her.

"Romantically, Berry," Santana says.

"I know," Rachel says. "It's possible."

"Are you trying to say that you believe in throuples?" Kurt asks.

"I think we're getting off topic here," Rachel says. "What I'm saying is that it's okay to love them both, San. Britt loves you, and she loves Sam."

Santana can't suppress her scowl.

" _And_ , you're a total hypocrite," Quinn says.

"Don't you start with me, Fabray," Santana says. "If we're going to start talking about hypocrites, you better bring yourself to the table."

Quinn glares at her.

Rachel looks between them, feeling completely lost.

Kurt sighs. "Well, San, you're with Dani, and I like her and you love her and she's here in New York, and you're happy, so I don't see what the big deal is."

"What happens when B comes to New York permanently?" Santana asks.

"That's still months away," Kurt points out. "Who knows what's going to happen between now and then? Just enjoy your life while you're young. We're nineteen. I think, out of everyone in this world, the four of us are all too aware that anything can happen in this life, and the best we can do is just live it to the fullest."

Quinn and Rachel exchange a look, and that's a truth they can't deny.

Santana rolls her eyes. "Okay there, _Hallmark_ ," she says. "We hear you."

"Good."

Quinn looks at Santana. "Britt will understand."

"Will she?" Santana asks, and it's as if she's asking a completely different question.

Quinn glances worriedly at Rachel, and then answers Santana. "I don't know," she says, and it's obviously the truth. "I really don't know, San."

The awkwardness of the moment is too much for Rachel to handle, and she almost wants to ask the question, even if she's terrified of the answer.

* * *

Rachel learns what the 'moment' is all about when Dani asks, "Where's Julia?" later while they're eating.

Quinn shifts awkwardly. "She's gone home for the Break," she answers.

"Oh."

Quinn clears her throat, and then says, "We haven't really been able to… recover from what happened at the Sig Ep's party."

Rachel looks at all their faces, trying to figure out what's going on.

Santana takes pity on her. "Party at Yale," she says. "Julia made a move on Q here, and, well - "

Kurt winces. "And, well, Quinn - "

"Blondie gave her a five-second taste of what she could have, and then totally bailed before Julia could stick her tongue down Q's throat," Santana finishes.

" _Santana_!" Quinn hisses.

"What?" the Latina innocently asks, popping a maki roll into her mouth. "It's the truth, is it not? You two kissed and, when she tried for more, you panicked and fled. It's totally acceptable."

Quinn flushes. "I didn't tell you any of that, so you can just talk about it like this," she says, somewhat heatedly. "It's been awkward and awful, and I thought we were over all of this, but apparently not. It's not easy liking someone who doesn't like you back, and I know you all know what that feels like, okay? It feels horrible being on that side, but it sucks just as much being on this side."

Everyone sobers at the sound of that, and they eat in silence for a few minutes.

Quinn isn't really hungry anymore, and Rachel is still trying to wrap her head around the idea of someone else kissing Quinn, or even Quinn potentially kissing them back.

Nobody else is supposed to be kissing Quinn.

Why are people kissing Quinn?

Eventually, Dani breaks the silence by asking Quinn about how her audition went.

Quinn very quickly stuffs a prawn California roll in her mouth, which is suspicious to all of them. They all know patience is the key when it comes to Quinn, so she eventually gives in to the silence once she's swallowed her mouthful, and says, "I got it."

Kurt jumps to his feet, dislodging several sushi rolls and spilling soy sauce everywhere. "What?" he practically shrieks.

Quinn winces at the volume. "I - I got the part," she says. "I start rehearsals on Wednesday, which means I have to go back earlier than expected."

"I don't even fucking care about that," Santana says, glaring at Quinn. "What the fuck, Fabray? You've been here for _hours_. Why didn't you say anything?"

Quinn's blush spreads from her cheeks right down her neck. "I'm telling you now," she says. "It's - it's not a big deal."

"It's not a big deal?" Kurt questions, looking incredulous. "You're a freshman, Quinn, and you're going to be starring in an _actual_ Yale production. That's - that's amazing. _Quinn_! Oh my God!"

As if her blush can get any worse, it _does_. "Guys."

Dani offers her a salmon rainbow roll. "Congratulations, Lady Macbeth," she says, putting on a faux British accent. "I, personally, can't wait to see you take the stage. When can we expect to make a trip to New Haven?"

"As if you lot would _ever_ come to New Haven willingly?"

"When, Fabray?" Santana asks, because she definitely would for this.

"Early May, some time," Quinn says. "I'll let you know when I know for sure." She drops her gaze, and her voice follows. "Will you actually come?"

It's Rachel who answers. "Of course."

Quinn's head snaps up, her eyes wide. "Really?"

Rachel nods. "Really, Quinn. We're all going to be there."


	4. Chapter 4

**IV**

Sleeping arrangements are a little different this time around, because Kurt wants to sleep with Blaine, and Quinn won't kick him out of his room while his boyfriend is here.

Brittany throws a fit when Quinn says she'll sleep on the couch, so this is how Rachel finds herself sleeping beside Brittany, with Quinn on the other side of the dancer in her own New York bedroom.

She's never going to be able to get any sleep like this.

"God," Quinn suddenly says. "I can practically hear you thinking."

"Sorry," Rachel whispers.

Quinn lets out an amused breath. "Go to sleep, Rachel," she says. "You're going to be grumpy in the morning, if you don't."

"I'm already grumpy," she says, unable to stop her pout.

"I can tell," Quinn murmurs. "It's cute."

Rachel takes a breath. "Are you going running in the morning?"

"Probably."

"Can I come with?"

"Sure."

Rachel opens her mouth to say something else, but she's stopped by a pale hand covering it.

"Shut up," Brittany says, and both Rachel and Quinn giggle softly, dropping into silence as they both fall asleep with smiles on their faces.

* * *

This time, Rachel keeps up far better with Quinn on their run, enough that Quinn is actually impressed when they eventually stop and head to pick up coffee.

"I've been running a lot at home," Rachel explains after Quinn has given Gina their order. "I've had a lot of time."

Quinn nods. "Your fathers mentioned you've been a bit of a... home body," she says carefully.

Rachel scratches at her collarbone, and she's all too aware of Quinn watching the action very carefully. "It's just easier," she says. "Everything is the same when I'm at home."

Quinn frowns. "That's something I haven't quite understood," she says. "Why do you want everything to be the same? I thought you didn't really like things as they were junior year."

"I just don't want everything to be different." She looks into Quinn's eyes. "Imagine waking up one day and realising that every little thing you know just _isn't_ anymore. Everything was different, Quinn. Literally, everything. It was as if I went to sleep in one body, and then woke up in a different one, and I had all these people telling me things, and it was just too much."

Quinn steps closer to her. "Okay," she relents. "I get that. But, answer me this: why is it that it's really _me_ you can't seem to wrap your head around? You seem to have adjusted to the roles Santana and Kurt now play in your life, but it's different with me. Why?"

Rachel considers her response for a moment. "It's because you're you," she says. "You're _Quinn_. I feel as if that should be answer enough."

Quinn still looks slightly baffled by that, but they're interrupted by Gina, whose smile is wide when she looks at Quinn, and Rachel feels both irrationally jealous and wonderfully endeared.

Still.

They don't talk about it again.

Well, not until they really have to.

* * *

For the most part, being around Quinn is easier for Rachel now that there aren't any expectations hanging over them.

It also helps that Julia isn't around.

Quinn does spend most of her time with Brittany, and Rachel is the third wheel around Kurt and Blaine, and then Santana and Dani.

It's almost too easy, and they spend the days of their Break doing random things. Quinn opts for museums, Brittany wants the ducks, Kurt takes them to the Met, Blaine suggests a trip to Broadway, Dani drags them all to a comedy show and Rachel asks if they could show her Spotlight, NYADA and Callbacks.

They meet Brody at Callbacks on Monday night, and there's something so familiar about all of it, though she can't be sure exactly what.

Somehow, Brody convinces her to sing with him, and she feels Quinn's heated gaze on her the entire time.

Things have started to feel quite intense with Quinn, but she's trying not to focus on it too much. They still have things to talk about, and she's definitely not helping herself by constantly recalling aspects of their relationship she definitely shouldn't.

Like, the way Quinn's body feels when she's wrapped around her, or the way Quinn looks when she's approaching climax.

Rachel is flushed and a lot aroused when she steps off the stage, and Quinn silently slides her a drink when she resumes her seat.

"Thanks," Rachel murmurs.

Quinn leans forward. "I've missed hearing you sing," she says.

"Yeah?"

"Definitely," Quinn rasps, and Rachel realises, from the dark of Quinn's eyes, that she's not the only one aroused.

 _Well_.

All Rachel knows is it's a very good thing she and Quinn have a blonde dancer sleeping between them, because Rachel can think of a slew of stupid things she knows she would do if she and Quinn were alone in this bed. She doesn't even know if she _wants_ to kiss Quinn, but she knows she would do it.

She wonders if that will sort it all out.

Would that overwhelming feeling disappear if she just gave in and kissed Quinn?

What happens afterwards?

"You're doing that thinking thing again," Quinn whispers. "It's so loud."

"Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"Did Kurt tell you that I've been remembering some things?"

Quinn sucks in a breath. "No, he didn't."

"They're just bits and pieces," she says. "I can't really make a lot of sense of them, but seeing all these familiar places has helped. I can now put context around some of the things I've seen."

"That's good, Rach," Quinn says.

"Did I visit you at Yale a lot?"

"I wouldn't call it a lot," she says. "Maybe once every six weeks. You and Jules never quite got on, and it was just easier for me to come to you."

"But, I did visit?"

"Yes."

"Do you think I'll be able to come with you on Wednesday, so I can take a look around?" she asks.

"You want to come to Yale?"

"Yes."

Quinn is silent for a moment. "Okay," she says. Then: "Rehearsals are going to be for only a few hours, so we'll be able to make it back for dinner."

"You're going to be a commuter?"

Quinn chuckles softly. "I don't want to spend my Spring Break alone in New Haven when all the important people in my life are just two hours away."

"That's understandable."

They fall into silence.

Then: "Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"Are we okay?"

And, really, the fact that Quinn can't bring herself to respond tells Rachel far more than an actual answer ever could.

* * *

Rachel wakes on Wednesday morning to a sight that's been plaguing her dreams for longer than she would care to admit. Before this moment, it wasn't a full picture. It was rather only focused on Quinn's face, but now she gets the complete scene.

Rachel doesn't know where Brittany is, but she wakes, stretches and rolls over to come face-to-face with a sleeping Quinn Fabray. She's so close; Rachel can even feel her breath against her skin.

She knows she should move away. She knows this moment is dangerous, because she has absolutely no idea what she's doing. The truth is she's had no idea since her eyes opened to this new world.

This is _Quinn_.

The reasons she said no before still stand, but why does everything feel so different?

What has she learned about Quinn that's changed something inside of her?

Whatever that thing that's changed; it's the reason she stays exactly where she is, even as she witnesses Quinn slowly wake to the day.

Quinn makes this adorable mewling sound, and then stretches her body like an elegant cat, and Rachel has to bite the inside of her cheek to stop herself from reaching out to touch her.

Quinn's eyes flutter and, for a moment, she looks at Rachel with the most serene expression on her face. "Hey," she says, this breathy sound that absolutely destroys Rachel.

It takes a moment, but then Quinn suddenly remembers where she is and what their lives are, and she scrambles away as if she's been burned.

"Sorry," Quinn mumbles. Then, looking around the room, she asks, "Where's Britt?"

"I don't know," Rachel says, feeling supremely awkward. "Are you okay?"

Quinn nods slowly as she sits up. "Yes," she says, her expression relaxing slightly. "You ready for Yale?"

"Are you ready to meet all your cast mates?"

Quinn blanches slightly. "What if my Macbeth is someone like Jesse St James?"

And, really, all Rachel can do is laugh.

* * *

Yale is more beautiful than Rachel anticipates.

It suits Quinn so perfectly, and Rachel can see why she picked it for herself. On the train, she asked Quinn to tell her about how she initially felt about the fact they were going to be two hours away from each other.

Quinn laughed softly and said, "You absolutely hated it. I think you didn't speak to me for two full days, which was a feat and a half because we slept in the same bed and I can be very difficult to ignore when I'm trying to get your attention."

The way she blushed afterwards told Rachel all she needed to know about just _how_ Quinn tried to do that.

Now, though, she's just dropped Quinn off at the theatre for rehearsals, and she has free rein on the campus that feels familiar but foreign at the same time. She has Quinn's student card and room keys in her pocket, and a vague idea of the way to Quinn's residence.

Later, though, because this campus is beautiful, and it's also nice and empty because people are generally not here, or they're locked away in their rooms, doing God knows what on a Wednesday morning.

After walking around for a full hour, she finds a small coffee shop and spends a moment going through the menu before she approaches the front counter.

When she gets to the register, the girl behind the counter smiles widely and says, "Soy Latte for Rachel."

Rachel's eyes widen.

The girl looks slightly thrown. "Wait," she says. "You _are_ Rachel, right? Quinn's Rachel?"

And, okay, the sound of that fills her with the kind of warmth she just can't explain.

"I am," Rachel confirms.

"Phew," the girl says. "Quinn probably would have killed me if I got that wrong."

"Does she come in here often?"

"Monday to Friday at noon, like clockwork," she says. "She gets the same thing every day. It's kind of cute."

Rachel smiles.

"You know, Rachel, you're lucky," she says.

"I am? Why?"

The girl leans forward. "Every day, she comes in here and gets the same thing, and then purchases another coffee on her way out for that guy over there," she says, pointing to a spot past Rachel's shoulder, and Rachel turns to look at a homeless man leaning against one of the buildings. "His name is Dave, Homeless Dave to the locals, and Quinn bought him that jacket he's wearing."

Rachel feels her heart swell in her chest.

"The way she cares, particularly about the homeless, is astounding. The way she cares, period. You're lucky to have someone like that, Rachel."

Rachel smiles softly. "I know," she says, and Rachel thinks she gets it now.

Quinn cares so much because, for a time in her life, Quinn _was_ homeless. She'll take care of those she can, and Rachel wonders how it's possible to exist in a world where she's expected to be in love with Quinn, and somehow be able to act the part.

The girl smiles in return. "The coffee's on me, by the way."

"Oh, you don't have to - "

"Nonsense," she dismisses. "Just, you know, if Quinn asks, tell her Jackie sorted you out."

"Definitely," Rachel says. "Thank you." She pauses. "Do you think you can point me in the direction of Bingham Hall? I get a little turned around sometimes."

Jackie's smile widens. "Of course."

* * *

Quinn's room, when Rachel finally finds it, isn't exactly what Rachel is expecting. It's pretty standard, two beds, two desks and two closets. It's perfectly symmetrical, and Quinn has claimed the bed on the left, by the look of her music notes comforter that Rachel is suddenly sure she had a hand in picking out.

Everything is also just so neat, which is in such contrast to Julia's side. Her textbooks are all properly organised, and her bed is perfectly made. For a moment, Rachel considers if Quinn even takes a ruler to it.

There's a pile of notebooks on her nightstand, which are partially hiding a framed photograph of, well, of Rachel and Beth.

Together.

Two of the most important people in Quinn's life.

Rachel's seen Beth since she's been in Lima, and the little girl has grown so much. She looks more and more like Quinn with every day that passes, and Rachel can't stop herself from imagining all the other babies Quinn is going to have in the future.

Rachel doesn't want to think about Quinn having children with _someone else_ , but that's the way it's going to go, given the way their lives are currently playing out.

Right now, Rachel's convinced she doesn't want Quinn that way - she thinks, at least - but _a lot_ of other girls _do_ , and it's only a matter of time before Quinn gives someone like Julia the time of day, and then Rachel will really know what it's like to be without Quinn in all of the ways.

Merely the thought of that forces her heart to beat that bit faster, and her breath to catch.

That's the last thing she wants.

Rachel moves on to Quinn's pinup board above her bed, and it's littered with pictures, of her, and of Santana and Kurt.

But, mainly of her.

They all look so happy, and she wonders if they were _always_ this happy.

They're Quinn and Rachel, so they _had_ to fight, right? They're both passionate, fiery beings, so it's expected, but all her memories - as fragmented and out of sequence as they are - don't include raised voices or the silent treatment.

Maybe she's just remembering the good parts and blocking out the bad ones. That makes sense, because why would she want to remember the bad parts, anyway?

Quinn's schedule that's pinned to the board is filled to the brim with all sorts of activities. She's part of a book club, she sings in a glee club, runs with the running club, and even has a penned-in nap every Friday afternoon.

Well, it's either that or she's boarding a train for RACHEL, RACHEL, RACHEL.

The entire weekend is generally blocked out with her name, and Rachel wishes for a time when this was her life. 2013 Rachel really had it good, and she didn't think she would ever be jealous of her own self. It's almost funny, but not something to laugh about. They're in a truly unique situation, and Rachel has a habit of making it worse for herself.

For all of them.

Rachel is actually just really surprised that Quinn has kept up all the pictures of her.

Maybe, she, like Kurt and Santana, is holding out for everything to work itself out.

As if, one of these days, Rachel is suddenly going to remember everything she's been missing, and she's going to come running back to Quinn.

If anything, Rachel doesn't imagine Quinn would take her back just like that. Not after everything she's already put Quinn through in her quest to hold onto everything that's familiar to 2010 Rachel.

She's never really been a fan of change, and having everything change all at once was the absolute worst.

But, she's slowly coming to terms with it.

It hasn't been easy.

As a list of all the things one could find terrifying when waking up in the future, being gay and in a relationship with your once bully would probably be near the top of the list. Rachel doesn't know. Maybe it's just her.

* * *

On Quinn's desk, Rachel finds a a stapled wad of papers with Quinn's name and course code on it. It's titled 'Feels Like This,' and Rachel just can't resist. She's aware she's probably overstepping, but she can't seem to help herself.

She's been particularly curious about Quinn's Major since she learned there's writing involved and, as much as she's wanted to ask about it, she just hasn't.

So, she's curious, and she'll ask for forgiveness later, if need's be.

* * *

It's how Quinn finds her two hours later.

Having given Rachel her student card, she had to wait a while to get let into Bingham Hall by another student, and she finds her room door unlocked and Rachel Berry lying on her bed with one of her term papers open in front of her.

In another life, Quinn would probably be mad at the scene, but just having Rachel here, in her room and on her bed; it's _everything_.

"Is it any good?" Quinn asks, and Rachel fumbles with the pages in surprise.

"Sorry," is the first thing Rachel says.

"Not really an answer to my question," Quinn says as she removes her coat and hangs it over the back of her desk chair. "Which one is that?"

Rachel sits up straight and crosses her legs. "It's called 'Hiding.'"

"Ah," Quinn says. "It's one of the better ones."

"You got an A."

Quinn shrugs. "I'm actually doing something I love," she says. "Coming here has probably been the single best decision I've ever made."

"Oh?"

"Well, besides you, of course," Quinn says offhandedly; "but I reckon that's a bit of a given, at this point."

"I thought I kissed you first."

"You know, before the accident, you were sure to remind me of that all the time, as well."

"As long as you know."

"It's not something I'm likely to forget," she says, dropping her gaze. "I don't think people generally forget their first kisses with the loves of their lives."

Rachel audibly swallows. " _I_ can't remember," she says, and she sounds genuinely upset about it.

Quinn hums softly. "Well," she says. "We could always reenact it." Her tone of a voice is a perfect blend of serious and playful, which makes Rachel's gentle shake of her head coupled with a roll of her eyes not seem out of place. "I charmed you once, you know," Quinn says. "I could do it again."

Rachel definitely doesn't say _you already have_ , because this is the moment she knows every effort she put in to avoid _this_ was futile.

* * *

On Thursday, when Quinn gets back from her solo trip to New Haven, Rachel meets her at the door and immediately asks, "Macbeth isn't like Jesse, is he?"

Quinn lets out an unexpected laugh. "No, he's not," she says, carefully slipping off her coat. "He's actually the better one with whom I initially read, so we'll see how it goes."

Rachel beams at her, and there's something so domestic about the way she takes Quinn's coat from her, and then hangs it up.

"Where is everyone?" Quinn asks, her eyes taking in the empty apartment as she sets her bag on the floor by the closest armchair.

"Dani's at work, so San took Britt to see the ducks, and Kurt and Blaine are on a date."

Quinn looks at her. "You didn't want to go see the ducks?"

Rachel blushes slightly. "Well," she says; "besides the fact I think San and Britt need some time alone to talk about everything, I was waiting for you."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yip."

Quinn regards her carefully, noting the nervous way she nibbles at her bottom lip and can't seem to look her in the eye. She smiles knowingly, allowing Rachel this moment of reprieve, because she knows exactly what's happening.

 _Rachel is charmed_.

Quinn can't help her smile, feeling something warm settle deep in her chest. She _could_ draw attention to this moment and ask Rachel what any of this means, but she doesn't think either of them is actually ready. So, instead, she says, "You just want me to cook for you, don't you?"

Rachel's smile spreads across her face. "You've caught me out."

"Hey, Rach?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm really glad you're here."

"Me too," Rachel says, and she really, _really_ means it.

* * *

On Friday, when Quinn gets back to New York, she, Rachel and Brittany meet Dani and Santana at Spotlight after their joint shift to have some dinner before they go out to meet Kurt and Blaine at an actual gay bar.

It's a completely new experience for Rachel, and she's forced to acknowledge how different it would be if she were actually on Quinn's arm.

Because, as it is, Quinn is probably the ultimate lesbian here, dressed to kill and blissfully single.

Rachel's just relieved Quinn spends the first hour dancing sinfully with Brittany, instead of with the other various women who openly seek her attention. Santana and Dani do the same thing a little ways from them, and Rachel loses sight of Kurt and Blaine at some point.

Rachel doesn't think they're conscious of leaving her alone at the booth, but she is, and it allows her the opportunity to think about things a little too much.

Her mind wraps around this past week, and all this time she's been spending with Quinn. Everything about it feels... natural, and she can't tell if that makes her nervous or relieved.

Both, maybe.

It's a lot to think about.

And, that's what she does until a redhead slips into the booth opposite her and gives her such a heated look that Rachel's pretty sure she's being undressed with eyes alone.

"Uh, hello," she awkwardly says, because she's polite to a fault.

"You here all alone?" the woman asks.

"Nope," she says, feeling a slight ripple of fear shoot down her spine. "My friends are just dancing."

"And, what, you don't want to, as well?"

"Nobody to dance with," she finds herself saying.

"Well, today's your lucky day," the woman says. "I'm a fantastic dancer."

Rachel isn't sure she should because, God, Quinn is _right there_.

But, Quinn also hasn't been paying any attention to her, so Rachel reasons it wouldn't hurt.

It's just dancing.

"Sure," she says, as she starts to get up. "I'm Rachel, by the way."

"Theresa."

It seems like a good idea to take up this stranger on her offer right until the moment they're on the dance floor, and she has some foreign woman's body pressed against her own.

She's uncomfortable for the first twenty seconds, but then Theresa grabs hold of her hips, and the music kind of takes over.

All she sees and feels is the music and this woman.

Time fades away and, the next thing she knows, someone is tapping her shoulder and Brittany is right there.

"Mind if I cut in?" the blonde says and, before Rachel knows it, Brittany has stolen Theresa away and she's now face-to-face with a dark-eyed, serious-looking Quinn Fabray. Her expression is severe, her cheeks flushed and her hair somewhat mussed. There's something _predatory_ in her eyes, and Rachel feels her entire body react to it.

Before Rachel can ask her what's wrong, she's been tugged forward, and then they're dancing.

It's automatic with Quinn.

Their hips easily shift into position, and the air Rachel breathes smells like Quinn.

The air _tastes_ like Quinn.

It's intoxicating, and they're touching so intimately, and Rachel's entire body is _burning_.

"Jesus," she breathes when one of Quinn's legs slips between her own, and this is everything and nothing, and she needs to be closer. _Closer_. Her arms wrap around Quinn's neck, their bodies pressed so tightly together that she can _feel_ Quinn breathe. She can feel every part of Quinn, and she wants nothing more than to spend her entire life with her body is pressed into Quinn's this way.

They're barely even dancing now.

Quinn's arms are tight around her waist as they grind against each other, and she's pretty sure everything about this moment is indecent for public viewing.

Still, she tries to get closer, burying her face in the crook of Quinn's sweet neck and just breathing her in. Her eyes are tightly shut, because this is happening.

It's happening.

This is Quinn, and she's Rachel - whichever year doesn't even matter in this moment, because she's just Rachel - and she _wants_ Quinn.

Consequences be damned.

They'll deal with it in the morning.

* * *

Rachel isn't sure how they get home, just that they do, and it's just the two of them.

Brittany is somewhere with Theresa, and the other two couples decided to stay later at the club.

So, when Quinn pulls her through the door and immediately starts undressing her, Rachel has no qualms about anything. She's just breathing and touching and being touched, and this is everything and nothing.

They stumble to Rachel's bedroom, and it's the moment Rachel remembers, shit, in her own head, she's still a virgin.

"Wait," Rachel suddenly says, and Quinn immediately does, her hands stilling and the lips pressed against Rachel's throat disappearing.

"We don't have to do anything," Quinn says, and she sounds so delightfully sober, even though Rachel knows she's anything but. Her eyes are clouded and hazy, and her smile is particularly lazy.

Rachel runs her hands over Quinn's soft hair, threading her fingers through the loose strands. "I don't remember our first time," she confesses.

Quinn looks momentarily pained by that, but then she smiles reassuringly. "It might be a good thing," she says. "It was awkward as fuck."

Rachel giggles.

"We can have another one, another time, when we're both sober," Quinn says. "But, God, I just want to kiss you and see you and touch you."

And, then, Rachel does the thing and brings her head down for what is their second first kiss - but the only one she actually remembers - and she sees fireworks explode behind her eyes the moment their lips touch.

She immediately moans, and then feels Quinn's lips curve into a smile.

Rachel suddenly pulls back. "Let it be known that I kissed you first."

"Sure, baby," Quinn murmurs, and then they're kissing again.

* * *

It's bliss when Rachel wakes the next morning.

She's made immediately aware she's alone in her bed, but that doesn't stop the smile from spreading across her face at the memories of the previous night.

She had Quinn on top of her and underneath her, she had Quinn's hands in her hair, on her breasts and on her ass, and she had Quinn's mouth on her neck and her tongue in her mouth.

They kissed and touched until exhaustion caught up to Quinn and she fell asleep, and Rachel spent another twenty minutes just lying there with a blonde beauty wrapped all around her, and she was left to wonder just where that overwhelming feeling disappeared to.

Wherever it's gone, she hopes it never comes back.

* * *

Quinn is in the kitchen when Rachel emerges, and she's already dressed for her Saturday run. The blonde looks a little uncertain when she sees Rachel, and the first thing Rachel does is smile to let her know everything is okay.

Quinn lets out a breath of relief. "Hey," she says.

"Hey," Rachel returns. "Weren't you going to wake me?"

"I still hadn't decided," Quinn confesses quietly. "I wasn't sure I was ready to handle it if you regretted what happened last night."

"I don't," Rachel assures her; "but we should probably talk about it, shouldn't we?"

Quinn shrugs. "Or, we could _not_ , and just say we did."

Rachel closes the space between them and wraps Quinn in a tight hug. "It's going to be okay," she says.

"You can't know that."

And, maybe Rachel can't, but she still kisses Quinn's cheek and pulls back. "Maybe I can't," she allows; "but I'm going to do my damnedest to make sure of it."

* * *

Gina is all smiles for them when Quinn and Rachel enter the coffee shop.

"The Usual?" Gina asks over the din of the shop.

Quinn nods. "Number one and a half."

Gina laughs, already knowing that's the one that includes Dani but not Brody.

"And a hot chocolate, and a flat white."

"Gotcha."

Rachel looks at Quinn. "Why is my drink still included in the Usual?" she asks.

Quinn blushes slightly. "I've never really been able to ask G to take it out," she confesses. "When you're not here, I kind of just give it to someone on my way back to the apartment."

Rachel blinks. "Someone like Homeless Dave?"

Quinn's eyes widen, because how could Rachel even know about that? "Uh, yeah," she says. "Someone like that."

Rachel shifts to stand closer to Quinn, because she really has no idea what she's doing, but she just _has_ to be in Quinn's space. She doesn't know if she's really ready for this or if she really even wants this, and she's really trying not to let 2010 Rachel's insecurities ruin this for her.

What she does know is she likes this Quinn far better than the Quinn she still has in her head from junior year, and she's tired of hiding from it.

Maybe they can be friends.

Rachel thinks she can do that.

"Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we doing?"

Quinn sucks in a breath. "We're getting coffee," she calmly says; "and then we're going to go home and feed our special children. Once we've done that, we're going to get ready for the day, and then you and I are going to go for a walk and we're going to talk about what this means for us and for the future." She meets Rachel's gaze. "How does that sound?"

Rachel smiles softly, and then nods. "That sounds acceptable."

"God, you're such a nerd."

"I'm pretty sure I've heard you say that before," Rachel says, and Quinn just shoots her this cheeky grin that has her heart racing, even threatening to burst right out of her chest.

Gina's interruption is almost welcomed this time around, and Rachel uses the opportunity to get a hold of herself.

They're going to talk about it, and they're going to make decisions about their future.

A collective future.

Rachel and Quinn.

Quinn and Rachel.

* * *

The panic starts to set in while she's in the shower, and Rachel stays hidden in her bedroom while everyone else has breakfast. She knows she shouldn't be overthinking everything, but she can't help it.

Quinn is here, and Rachel is in Lima.

For now, at least.

She's expecting to end her Leave of Absence by the Summer, and take all the classes she possibly can, in order to prepare herself for the Fall semester. She's going to be back in New York, which will be closer to Quinn.

But.

Rachel closes her eyes and curls herself into more of a ball on her bed. She's aware enough to acknowledge that it's 2010 Rachel who's thinking about everything all at once. The logistics and the semantics and all those other scary things that make reality so much more difficult than her dreams are threatening, and she doesn't know how to... let go.

Right now, they have things they're going to have to figure out while, before, they could just exist.

Now, there's going to be work involved, and Rachel still hasn't really been able to decide if this is actually what she wants.

2010 Rachel is still apprehensive, but the knowledge that this worked for 2013 Rachel does help.

But.

Rachel squeaks when she feels the bed shift behind her. She holds her breath when warm arms snake around her middle and a body presses against her back.

 _Quinn_.

"You're not ready," Quinn whispers, and her breath is warm against Rachel's skin. "You're not ready for any of this, are you?"

Rachel sighs, her body relaxing into Quinn's embrace. "I'm sorry," she says.

"I hate that you even think you have to apologise."

"I feel as if all I've been doing is hurting you."

"I've hurt you far more than this, Rachel," Quinn says.

"But, that was before," Rachel points out.

"Before what?"

"Before the love," Rachel says.

Quinn sucks in a breath. "The love?"

"I - I don't know if - I'm not yet - "

"Ssh," Quinn soothes, pressing a kiss to the side of Rachel's neck. "It's okay. I promise it's okay."

Rachel shakes her head. "It's not okay," she counters, suddenly irritated. "How is any of this okay? Why aren't you more angry? Why don't you hate me or something? Why aren't you yelling and being mean and demanding that - "

"Rachel," Quinn gently interrupts. "I'm not that person anymore. I'm not." She shifts until she's propped up on one elbow and able to look at Rachel's face. "And, it's okay, because I'm not angry and I could never hate you. I love you, Rachel, and I'll wait as long as you need, as long as..." she trails off. " _Do_ you actually want this?" she asks. "Do you actually want _me_?"

Rachel opens her mouth to respond, only for Quinn to keep talking.

"And, please don't tell me what you think I want to hear. This is about you. Don't listen to anything anyone else says, okay? Just tell me what's in your head and heart."

Rachel rolls over, so she can look at Quinn's perfect face. "I like you," she says, and she means it. "I _like_ you. I want to be your friend, Quinn. It's kind of all I've ever wanted."

Quinn audibly swallows, and Rachel stares at the way her throat moves. "Is that all?"

"Can we start there?" Rachel asks softly. "And see what happens?"

"Start where?"

"As friends."

Quinn breathes out slowly. "Are you sure you're ready for that?"

Rachel just nods, and then presses a soft kiss to the corner of Quinn's mouth. "I'm aware friends don't do that, but I get the feeling you and I have never done anything the way we're supposed to."

Quinn just nods, and then kisses Rachel properly. She pours everything she can into it, which is overwhelming and screams of promises of the future.

Eventually, Quinn pulls back and rests her forehead against Rachel's. "I love you," she murmurs. "This you. Whether you exist in 2010 or in 2013, I don't care. I love you, and I'll wait lifetimes for you. There's no rush. We're friends, and we can be more. I just - I want you to know that it's you, okay? It's always going to be you, because you and I, we're meant to be."

This time, Rachel is the one to kiss her, wrapping her arms around Quinn's neck and pulling her down on top of her, immediately feeling Quinn's mouth curve into a smile.

"You're honestly the best friend I've ever had," Quinn murmurs, her hands sliding under Rachel's top to touch her skin.

Rachel pulls back to look at Quinn's face. "Yeah, we can go back to being 'just fiends' tomorrow."

"Yeah?"

Rachel nods. "As long as you remember I kissed you first."

"As if you would let me forget."

* * *

It's Rachel's first night back in Lima when she receives the first of what she's sure is going to be many texts.

 **Quinn** : _Hey, Rach :) Kurt said you guys made it back to Lima safely, so I was just dropping in to say goodnight. Sleep well and dream sweetly, dear. X_

Rachel beams all by herself in her bedroom, and then flushes madly when Quinn sends another message.

 **Quinn** : _I usually add the words 'I love you' to the end of those messages, but I realise that could be overwhelming. Please advise which would be more suitable for this whole 'friends' things we're trying: 1. I'm infatuated with you, 2. I yearn for you, 3. I'm rather partial to you, 4. I'm smitten with you, 5. I ode you, 6. I'm totally into you, 7. I adore you, 8. I'm fond of you, 9. I'll always choose you, 10. I'm all about you, 11. I'm down with you, 12. I think you're the one, 13. I'm crazy about you, 14. I'm under your spell, 15. I appreciate you, 16. I'm out of breath for you, 17. I'm enamoured with you, and, my personal favourite, 18. I want to have your babies. Choose wisely, Berry._

Talk about being overwhelmed.

Before she can overthink anything, she quickly types back.

 **Rachel** : _I think 'I love you' will do._

 **Quinn** : _You sure?_

 **Rachel** : _Yes_.

And, so it begins.

* * *

.

* * *

In the great scheme of things, very little about Rachel's life actually changes.

She's less of a home body now, and she spends a lot of time with Brittany and Blaine, and even Sam, who is Brittany's sometimes boyfriend.

Rachel, admittedly, starts off slightly wary of him, because she suspects the boy knows all about what's really been going on with Quinn.

But, he's such a happy being, and he just pulls her into a hug and says, "We're totally singing Vanessa Carlton together when we're at a piano."

If that isn't some form of extended olive branch, she doesn't know what is.

* * *

For a college freshman who has a full course load, a full timetable of extracurricular activities and a play to rehearse, Quinn is frighteningly good at responding to Rachel's texts.

Rachel wonders if she was always this way, or if she's adjusted herself because she doesn't want Rachel to think she's not interested. As if she doesn't want Rachel to wonder if she's bothering her or not, and Quinn makes sure to let Rachel know if she's not going to be able to reply for a while.

Like, during rehearsals or exams.

Other times, she doesn't seem to care.

She'll readily reply during her lectures or when she's supposed to be writing a paper in the library.

Whenever Rachel tells her to pay attention to her work, Quinn always replies with a 'you're more important,' and Rachel can't dispute that because Quinn was willing to put off returning to Yale for her. Which, admittedly, Rachel has told her was a terrible idea, but Quinn counters that she's had worse ones.

They're friends, sure, but they're the kind of friends who can say this:

 **Quinn** : _I'm thinking that, maybe, you and I are going to go on a picnic to the park when I'm next in Lima. We'll go, just the two of us (and the ducks), and you can ask me all the questions I know you've drawn up since you opened your eyes. I promised to be honest with you when we first started out this friendship (all those years ago), and I've never broken it. I wouldn't_.

 **Quinn** : _I wouldn't lie to you, Rachel. I spent far too many years watching my family constantly lie to one another, and I don't want that in my relationships. Particularly ones that involve the love of my life_.

 **Rachel** : _You're truly very special, and I'm so happy I wised up enough to get to experience this person you are. From the person I remember in my memories, to this person I've been getting to know... I'm proud of who you've been able to become, Quinn Fabray._

 **Quinn** : _Who have I become_?

 _Someone I love_.

Rachel doesn't send it, because she can't possibly say something like that for the first time over text message.

But.

It's during this particular text thread that Rachel first sees herself being able to type the words 'I love you' back to Quinn, and that tells her everything she needs to know about her own realised feelings.

She could probably say when it happened, but she doesn't think that's important.

The important thing is that she _is_.

* * *

Rachel has dinner with Finn the second weekend in April, and she officially and unceremoniously ends whatever he's been trying to start. It isn't exactly an easy conversation, given that she has to explain that she found comfort in him because he hasn't really changed since they were juniors.

If he's insulted by it, he doesn't mention it.

Instead, he says, "It's her, isn't it?"

Rachel can't help her smile at the mere mention of Quinn. Her heart even does a ridiculous little flutter, and she's pathetic. There's no other explanation for it.

Finn looks away, unable to stomach the content on her face. "I should have known," he says, mostly to himself. "You chose her once before, so I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I thought this was our chance to get it right."

Flinching at his choice of words because, God, that's a _Faberry_ song, Rachel can still see how he would think that, because she thought it, too. The Universe put her in that time for a reason, and she used to think it was because she somehow made the wrong decisions in life.

Now, she thinks differently.

She made all the right choices, and she's just been given the opportunity to make them all over again. She's starting to count herself lucky that she actually gets to fall in love with Quinn for a second time.

Because, God, that's exactly what's happened.

Rachel has fallen in love, and it's equal parts terrifying and absolutely exhilarating.

"I guess I was wrong," Finn says, his mouth turned downwards.

Rachel isn't too worried about him, because he got on without her once before, and she's sure he can do it again.

They were both searching for something in the other that they definitely shouldn't have, and Rachel wonders if going through all of this was for a reason she doesn't yet know.

Maybe this was the Universe just proving to her that, regardless of whatever time in which she exists, she's always going to end up loving Quinn Fabray, and she was a fool to think otherwise, because, God, they're totally meant to be, aren't they?

"I guess we both were."

* * *

When Rachel gets home from her dinner that didn't end up being a dinner at all, she finds her fathers in the living room, both of them huddled over one of their laptops.

She stands for a moment, just watching them, and then she almost screams when she hears Quinn's voice say, "No, I had lasagna for dinner. It was actually surprisingly good."

It takes Rachel a moment to realise the voice is actually coming from the laptop, and she's immediately drawn to it. She and Quinn have just been texting these past few weeks. She hasn't heard the blonde's voice since she bid her goodbye at Grand Central Station, the two of them sharing a few chaste kisses.

Rachel slips into the room and moves to stand behind her fathers on the couch. She almost rolls her eyes at their twin guilty looks, because they obviously waited for her to leave the house before they called Quinn.

She hasn't told them that she and Quinn are now... (probably, definitely, more than) friends, so it's a surprise to them when Rachel looks into the laptop's camera and says, "Hi, Quinn," with a beaming smile on her face.

Quinn's face literally lights up, and she actually shifts closer to the screen. "Rachel," she breathes. "Hey."

Hiram and LeRoy exchange a curious, knowing look and, before long, their presence is a hinderance as the two girls embark on a conversation of their own.

Neither girl seems to notice when both men slip out of the room.

* * *

Rachel is the one to make all the necessary plans to get herself, Brittany, Blaine and her fathers to New Haven to watch Quinn perform in _Macbeth_ when she takes the stage the first week of May.

It's only on for three nights: Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and the only feasible night they can all attend - including the New York cohort - is Saturday.

Quinn organises a row of tickets for them a week before the production begins, and Rachel takes care of everything else. She books their flights straight into New Haven, she reserves their hotel rooms, and makes sure Kurt gets everyone from New York to New Haven with hours to spare on Saturday.

Rachel hates that she's missing Quinn's opening night, but she'll be there for the closing one, and she just knows she has to plan something special.

It's doubtful she'll get to spend any time alone with her while everyone is around, but Rachel's sure she can think of something.

Because, well, she has something very important to say.

* * *

Quinn calls Rachel in a panic an hour before she's meant to go on stage her first night, and says, "I can't do this."

"Nonsense," is the first thing Rachel says. "You're Quinn Fabray; you can do anything."

"What if I mess up?"

"You've rehearsed and rehearsed," Rachel says, laying down on her bed. "You know this play inside and out. You even made me run lines with you. You're not going to mess up."

"But, what if I do?"

"Then, you do," Rachel says. "You recover and then you keep going. I promise you're going to be fine."

"That's a hefty promise, Berry."

"And, yet, I'm still making it."

Quinn is silent for a moment, and then she says, "Rachel?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"Any time, Fabray."

Quinn is silent for another moment, and it's a loaded one, during which Rachel is quite certain the earth shifts on its axis. "Rachel?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

It's the first time Quinn has _said_ the words since they last saw each other, and Rachel is surprised by how _not_ overwhelmed she feels. This is just her and this is just Quinn and they're just doing this thing, and Rachel is fine.

She's better than fine.

Rachel knows she's not going to say the words back for the first time _over the phone_ , so, instead, she says, "I want to have your babies."

And, Quinn laughs, and laughs.

* * *

Several hours later, Rachel receives two texts from Quinn that make her smile like a Cheshire Cat.

 **Quinn** : _Don't let it go to your head or anything, but you were right. I didn't mess up. We actually received a standing ovation, and tonight was probably one of the better nights I've experienced this entire year (save for the last two nights you and I spent together over Spring Break)._

 **Quinn** : _You should also know that I appreciate you, Rachel Berry. I honestly cannot wait to see you and hug you and touch you and (friend) kiss you and all the other good stuff. Until the morrow, though, my dear. Goodnight, sleep well and dream sweetly. I am so in love with you. Xx_

* * *

Rachel, Brittany, Blaine and her fathers arrive in New Haven late Friday night, which is something Rachel keeps from Quinn, because she doesn't want the blonde to be out too late the night before her final performance.

It takes a lot out of Rachel to be in the same city as Quinn and not see her, but she manages it.

Barely.

Brittany has to tell her to stop moving several times during the night and, by morning, Rachel is rearing to go. She gets dressed in her running gear, heads towards Bingham Hall nice and early, and then sits on the front steps to wait for her blonde.

The sun has just risen when Quinn emerges from the front doors, already stretching her arms in preparation for the upcoming run. Rachel watches her carefully, taking in the sheer beauty of her before she gets noticed.

It takes another thirty-two seconds, but then Quinn is literally jumping out of her skin, and Rachel laughs out loud.

Quinn just stares at her in disbelief for seven long seconds, and then she's closing the space between them and wrapping Rachel in a tight hug that forces an involuntary squeak from her body.

"Quinn," Rachel eventually complains, and the blonde pulls back enough to look at her face.

"You're here," she says.

"I'm here."

Quinn takes in what she's wearing, and then grins. "You came all the way to New Haven to run with me, huh?"

"It's lonely in Lima," Rachel says.

"I missed you."

Rachel barely hesitates before saying, "I missed you, too."

Quinn's smile grows. "You should know my standard route here is at least six miles long."

Rachel groans.

"I thought you said you've been running in Lima."

"Not _six miles_ , Quinn," she points out with a whine.

Quinn just grins, presses her lips to Rachel's forehead, and says, "Come on, let's see if you can keep up."

* * *

"Quinn and Quinn's Rachel," Jackie greets the second Quinn and Rachel reach the front of the line to order their coffee after a run that has completely exhausted Rachel.

"Hi, Jackie," Quinn says.

"You're never in here on a Saturday," Jackie says.

Quinn glances at Rachel, who is still trying to catch her breath. "That one over there likes this place," she says. "I usually run all the way to the _Starbucks_ in the Plaza, but she's halfway to dying, and _I'm_ the one with asthma."

"You do realise I can hear you, right?"

Quinn ignores her, and orders their drinks from Jackie. She pays quickly, and then drags Rachel into a booth with her. "Are you actually dying or what?"

"Shut up."

Quinn smiles. "I'm so happy to see you."

"Your entire life is about to descend on your city."

" _Jesus_."

"Do you have any idea how proud of you I am?"

Quinn blushes. "Well, I'm pretty proud of you, as well."

"Why?"

"I didn't think we would ever be able to do this again," Quinn admits, and her voice drops in volume as she waves a hand between them. "I couldn't really wrap my head around never being able to do this with you."

"Do what?"

"Sit with you. Talk to you. Tell you how fucking gorgeous you are."

Rachel just stares at her for a long moment. "Even when I'm a sweaty mess?"

" _Especially_ then."

" _Hey!_ "

"Hey, back," Quinn murmurs. Then, almost shyly, she says, "You're here."

"I told you I would be."

* * *

When the New York crew finally arrive in New Haven, the entire lot of them go for an early lunch at one of Quinn's favourite restaurants, and Hiram and LeRoy make the mistake of offering to pay for the meal _before_ anyone has ordered.

Brody almost attempts to order the lobster, but Quinn stabs his thigh with her fork, and that shuts him right up. She orders, almost predictably, the tomato basil soup, and Santana teases her mercilessly.

Quinn ignores her, losing herself in conversation with Brittany, who is telling her a very important story about the DNA model she built in Biology.

Rachel loves the way Quinn gives all of her attention to Brittany, looking thoroughly interested in whatever the other blonde is saying, even if it's borderline nonsense.

Rachel bravely holds Quinn's hand under the table, and everything feels so natural. Even when she links their fingers, and doesn't let go until Brody has stuffed the last of Blaine's beef Wellington into his mouth.

"Dessert?" Hiram asks.

Quinn excuses herself to the bathroom after she's ordered a cappuccino for herself, and Santana uses the opportunity to ask Rachel, "are you and Q playing footsie?"

Rachel's eyes widen in both surprise and alarm. "What?"

"You have that guilty look on your face," Santana says. "What have you been doing?"

"Nothing," Rachel immediately says, a little too quickly.

Santana eyes her critically.

Rachel blushes deeply. "Just holding her hand," she eventually says.

Santana's mouth spreads into a wide smile. "Yeah?"

Rachel nods.

"Well, good for you, Berry," she says. "Now, don't wait too long to put a ring on it, okay? These New Haven lesbians are fucking vultures."

Rachel just laughs, even though that sentence leaves her with a hoard of conflicting feelings - _is she supposed to claim Quinn now, to keep everyone else away_? and _this is is, isn't it? they're dealing with forever here_ \- that all seem to settle the moment Quinn returns, retakes her seat, and bravely slides her hand back into Rachel's.

"Everything okay?" Quinn whispers.

Rachel immediately nods, pulling their joined hands into her own lap and holding on with everything she has.

* * *

After taking them on a tour of - the highlights, only, because Yale is large - her lovely campus - even though majority of them have already been here before - Quinn has to head to the theatre to start getting ready for her final performance.

She starts to look a little nervous as she's saying goodbye to them, so Rachel pulls her aside and assures her she has nothing to worry about.

"I think I liked it better when there were just strangers in the audience," Quinn grumbles, her face a little flushed.

"You say that now, but I can assure you there's nothing better than being able to look out into the crowds and see a familiar face," Rachel tells her. "Believe me, Fabray, because I'm going to be front and centre, and I cannot actually wait to watch you perform."

Quinn just stares at her.

"You're going to be okay," Rachel says. "Where's the HBIC?"

"I locked her away the moment I realised _she_ wouldn't help me get you to love me," Quinn confesses.

"That's a shame," Rachel muses, because she doesn't want this moment to turn as serious as it has the potential to turn. "I'm pretty sure I found her kind of hot."

"Only kind of?"

Rachel isn't quite sure why Quinn's smile is as secretive as it, but the sight of it makes her heart hammer against her chest. She is _so_ not completely straight. In this moment, with this girl, she's the furthest thing from straight anyone can imagine.

Quinn frowns when Rachel doesn't respond. "Rach?"

Rachel just smiles, shakes her head, and then pulls Quinn into a deep kiss that would probably go on for hours if Santana doesn't say, "Oh, my God, can you two fucking get a room already? We don't need to see that."

Quinn is grinning madly when she pulls back. "Shut up, Santana," she says, but her eyes are solely on Rachel.

"And, again," Rachel says, probably feeling the happiest she's ever felt in this new life she's decided she's going to live; "there I go kissing you first."

"Don't ever stop."

* * *

While Rachel expects Quinn to be ridiculously good in the play, she's really surprised by how brilliant Quinn actually is. There's just something so authentic about her performance, and Rachel reasons it has a lot to do with her high school experiences, her time with her family and, well, the last few months of their lives.

Quinn commands the stage whenever she's on, which is something that's so natural about her, and she steals scenes without even trying. Rachel has always harboured the thought that the play _Macbeth_ might have been entitled **_Lady_** _Macbeth_ if it were set in a different time.

Even in those early years, having such a strong female character was not the norm, and she almost laughs at the idea that the formidable woman was probably, actually, initially played by a man.

Whoever that man was, though, probably has nothing on Quinn Fabray, who is able to channel the character marvellously, and Rachel can practically feel herself falling in love all over again.

She's already there, she knows, and the fact it's happened so quickly should be alarming to her, but it's not.

If anything, she feels as if she's been actively _fighting_ against Quinn and the way Quinn makes her feel.

That overwhelming feeling has finally disappeared from her life, because she's allowed herself to give in.

To all of it.

To _Quinn_.

"That was amazing," Santana declares once the applause has died down and the rest of the audience has started to file out of the theatre.

" _She_ was amazing," Kurt says. "I knew Quinn was intense, but…"

" _Damn_ ," Dani finishes for him.

"Couldn't have put it better myself," Kurt says, shooting her a wink. "She's really sure about being a writer?"

Santana shrugs. "Girl makes all her own decisions these days," she says. "You try telling her what to do."

"Rachel probably could," Blaine teases, and said brunette blushes brightly.

"Come on," LeRoy says, rounding them up. "Let's go congratulate our supremely talented blonde."

Rachel immediately nods. "That sounds like a _great_ idea," she says, bending to retrieve the bouquet of flowers - which may or may not include gardenias - she intends to give to Quinn.

"We have to embarrass the crap out of her," Brody says. "She would totally do it for us."

"She really would," Santana agrees, mischief in her eyes.

"Oh, boy," Blaine murmurs, and everyone _has_ to agree with him.

* * *

'Embarrassing the crap out of Quinn' includes yelling _Lucy, Lucy, over here_ and _Oh my God, can we get your autograph?_ at the top of their lungs when Quinn eventually emerges from the back of the theatre.

The blonde has barely stepped into the main foyer, and she's already blushing to the roots of her hair. She actually covers her face, because _oh my god, why do I even know you people_?

Rachel practically skips towards her, and holds out the flowers in front of her, with the biggest smile on her face. "Hi," she says.

Quinn's smile is barely there, and her eyes are watery. "Hi."

"These are for you," Rachel says. "You were amazing. Like, _so_ amazing and unbelievable and you are so talented it's actually not fair. Also, nobody even noticed you almost missed your cue in the second Act."

Quinn rolls her eyes. "You're actually terrible."

"I love you."

Quinn's eyes widen and her jaw drops.

"Just thought I would let you know."

Before Quinn can even think of a response - which, let's be honest, wasn't going to be coming any time soon - she's accosted by Brittany, who almost knocks Quinn right over.

There's just a moment where Quinn continues to stare wide-eyed at Rachel, and then they're both buried in the mother of all group hugs.

If Rachel is being honest, confessing that way was definitely _not_ what she had planned. They were supposed to be alone, and it was definitely supposed to be more romantic, with an entire speech about how she's finally caught up to what 2013 Rachel was on about.

2010 Rachel resisted as much as she did because, she knew, the second Rachel actually gave Quinn the chance - even at friendship - she so desperately wanted, she would find herself right here.

With _Quinn_.

 _In love_ _with_ Quinn.

God, it was inevitable, wasn't it?

From the way Quinn looks at her as if the great big world doesn't even exist when they're finally freed from the hug, Rachel knows the answer to her own silent question.

* * *

At their celebratory dinner, Rachel wouldn't say that Quinn is actually _quiet_ , but she's definitely not as animated as she was at lunch. It surprises her that she even notices something like that, because she can't be sure how much she actually _knows_ Quinn.

Far more than she initially thought, apparently, and she exchanges a look with Santana at some point, which is enough for Rachel to know she's not the only one who's noticed.

Rachel can't really do anything about it until they've finished with dinner when one of Quinn's friends, Kira, from the play suggests they hit one of the bars off campus, and they all agree.

It's also the moment Hiram and LeRoy bid them goodnight, telling Quinn they'll see her in the morning.

Or the afternoon, given the way the evening is probably going to play out.

It's only when they're on their way that Rachel slides in next to Quinn and slows their pace, so they're trailing behind the group.

"Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

When Quinn looks at her, Rachel is hit by the uncertainty and disbelief she sees in the blonde's hazel eyes. "Did you mean it?" she asks, and her voice sounds so small; so scared.

Rachel doesn't have to ask what she's referring to, and she immediately nods. "I did," she confirms. "I do."

Quinn stops walking and turns her body to face her. "I don't understand," she says.

"What don't you understand?"

Quinn blinks repeatedly, as if she's searching her own mind for the answers before she asks her questions. "When?"

"You know," Rachel says, "I don't remember the first time I fell in love with you, but I definitely remember the second."

"When?" Quinn asks again, and Rachel gets the impression the answer to this question is very important.

"Are you sure you want to know?" Rachel finds herself asking. "It's kind of gross."

Quinn's eyes widen slightly, and she actually smiles. "Tell me, anyway."

"I had a panic attack," Rachel tells her, and Quinn's face falls. "Like, the whole big thing. I was alone at home, and it was just after I got off the phone with you, and you'd told me about Homeless Dave, who you think may or may not have diabetes, based on how much sugar he asks you to put in his coffee for him."

Quinn waits patiently, recalling the conversation.

"I had a panic attack thinking about your suddenly not being in my life anymore," Rachel says, flushing slightly. "The second you hung up the phone was the moment I realised I was truly and completely vulnerable to you, and I didn't even know it was happening until I just did, and it's been terrifying and exciting ever since. But, I guess, with you, it's always been, hasn't it?"

Quinn doesn't say anything for a long moment, and Rachel starts to wonder if she's actually _broken_ Quinn Fabray.

But, then, Quinn just smiles this dopey thing and says, "That doesn't sound gross at all, Rach."

"There was snot," Rachel immediately says. "And drool. Lots and lots of drool."

And, Quinn kisses her.

Rachel smiles against the blonde's lips. Her heart is beating a mile a minute, but she isn't the type of overwhelmed that makes her want to run. She's staying right here, with Quinn Fabray, and she's as happy as she has any recollection of ever being.

Rachel pulls back first, because she has a feeling they're five seconds away from being interrupted by a crass remark from Santana. "Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"You kissed me first," Rachel says.

"If I can help it, Rachel Berry, I'm going to be kissing you for the rest of my life."

Rachel feels her entire body relax the moment Quinn's arms wrap around her waist. "That sounds acceptable," she murmurs.

Quinn grins. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I love you, Rachel Berry," she says, and there isn't even a hint of hesitation in her voice. Saying the words has always been surprisingly easy for Quinn, especially when she's saying them to Rachel.

"I love you, too," Rachel says, and Quinn's eyes grow wide once more.

"It wasn't a fluke," she whispers.

"No, it wasn't," Rachel assures. "I _love_ you."

Quinn's smile is a little lopsided, and, this time, when they kiss, Santana's barbs are never going to stop them.

* * *

When Rachel gets back to Lima, the first thing she does is change her relationship status on _Facebook_.

She is now in a relationship with Quinn Fabray, and the entire world is going to know.

* * *

By the morning, Santana has commented with ' _FINALLY. AGAIN_ ,' which makes Rachel laugh as she lies in bed. Noah has written, ' _I think I'm experiencing some kind of deja vu. What is happening right now_?'

Finn writes, ' _Oh, don't mind me_ ,' and Rachel feels bad for all of five seconds, because Quinn's own comment is a red heart and a kissing face.

Rachel already misses those kisses.

There are a few texts in her inbox when she checks, and she's unsurprised to find majority of them are from her girlfriend.

Her _girlfriend_.

 **Quinn** : _I had a dream you were speaking Japanese to me. I think I have an actual problem, Rachel._

 **Quinn** : _Also, good morning, beautiful. Today (well, yesterday) marks the beginning of our second round at a Facebook official relationship. You should be warned that I'm not going to be holding back. At all. I'm going to share things with you every chance I get, and I'm going to write on your wall every day. Gosh, we're going to be one of THOSE couples. The social media stratosphere is going to be so sick of us. I've made it my mission. EVERYONE is going to know we're disgustingly happy and in love, and they're all going to be jealous._

 **Quinn** : _Now that you've been warned, I want to wish you an amazing day, and I will talk to you later. X_

 **Quinn** : _Ai shiteru yo. (I think.)_

 **Quinn** : _Japanese translation: I love you. (But you totally already know that.)_

And, the thing is Rachel does.

Quinn loves her, and she loves Quinn, and this is officially the first time she's consciously going to remember typing it into one of her own messages. It really doesn't overwhelm her when she sends the words _I love you_ right back (in English, of course).

It's at moments like these that Rachel wonders if life gave her this odd reset, just so she would have the opportunity to experience all of this again with Quinn.

It's how she's choosing to look at it, anyway.

That way, she can count herself lucky, because Quinn is proving to be everything both 2010 and 2013 Rachel has always wanted, and now she knows it.

Whatever she's gained from this entire experience; it's that Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray have always been destined for each other.

* * *

Eventually, Rachel has to get out of bed and actually face the day, which is something she finds she's looking forward to more than she has in days past. She's not even thinking that Quinn is in a completely different state, or that she has no idea when she's going to see her again.

 _Soon_ , if Rachel has anything to do with it.

It's been less than twenty-four hours since she last saw Quinn, and she's already planning for the next time. She's pretty sure she would probably live in Quinn's bedroom at this point, if given the opportunity.

It's sad, she knows, but she gets the feeling her fathers just _get_ it, merely from the way they keep giving her knowing looks when she strolls distractedly into the kitchen.

While she's not actively thinking about the distance between them, she _is_ thinking about Quinn. It's unlikely she'll be thinking about anything else, anyway. It's a new relationship for her, and the 2010 Rachel is going to have to adjust quite quickly.

"Hello, Sweetheart," LeRoy says, watching as she rubs at her sleepy eyes.

"Hi, Daddy," she mumbles, dropping into a chair at the kitchen table and sighing deeply.

LeRoy exchanges a look with Hiram, and they share a smile.

"Something wrong, Honey?" Hiram asks.

Rachel shrugs. "Not really."

Hiram hums, just enjoying the moment, knowing what he knows. "Hey, Rach?"

"Yes, Dad?"

"We're thinking of heading up to New York for your father's birthday," he says.

Rachel eyes snap up to look at him, and she definitely doesn't miss the way he's sporting a secret little grin. "That's in two weeks," she points out, suddenly more awake than she was just seconds ago.

"It is?" he asks, all innocent. "I had no idea."

"Dad?"

Hiram tilts his head to the side. "It's also my understanding that a certain blonde will probably, definitely, be in the city at the same time."

"Oh?"

"Funny that, isn't it?"

Rachel just nods slowly.

"How does that sound?" Hiram asks.

Rachel's grin practically spreads across her face, and this is the moment she knows she's exactly where she's always been meant to be, timelines be damned. "That sounds acceptable."

Hiram and LeRoy exchange a look. "That's funny," Hiram murmurs. "That's exactly what Quinn said."

At this, Rachel rolls her eyes. "I _know_ you two were also holding out for us to work things out," she accuses gently.

"Guilty," LeRoy says with a slight shrug.

"You've just always known, huh?" Rachel says, looking at them both, and feeling as settled in her skin as she has since her eyes first opened to this new world.

"Known what?" Hiram asks.

"Quinn and I," she says with the kind of smile that's reserved for when she's thinking about her blonde girlfriend; "we were always meant to be."

* * *

_Fin_


End file.
